When couples decide to be non-monogamous, they often lay down ground rules for their third-party playtimes. And some of those rules lit up Reddit this month when one user asked the r/askgaybros community for their “line in the sand for cheating” in an open relationship.
In one of the most popular comments on the thread, a user said that his partner “getting emotionally involved with another guy or [spending more] time with him” would be crossing the line.
Many other users concurred. “We avoid ‘dates’ and just do hookups for this very reason,” one person said. “Makes it just sex.”
Another wrote, “Yeah, mine wasn’t when he had sex with someone else, but when they went to a Disney movie. Everyone’s lines in the sand are different, and they don’t have to make sense.”
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Meanwhile, other Redditors said they put the kibosh on overnight dates or repeat meet-ups.
And several users said secrets and lies are big no-nos in their open relationships. “We keep all of our escapades out in the open,” one wrote.
“They should let me know if they are playing with someone else, [and] pictures are nice too!” a second person wrote. “It’s cheating when they do it behind my back.”
“The moment one partner feels the need to hide their activity, cheating is in progress,” a third Reddit user observed.
One commenter said “emotional involvement” would be the only grounds for cheating, while other “violations”—like lying about a hookup happening or not using a condom—would be “just a breach of trust.”
Related: Gay guys explain why they choose open relationships
Another Redditor gave his take after more 20 years in an open relationship. “Both of us have had outside people we really liked a lot. We discussed it and kept very close tabs on our level of commitment,” that user wrote. “I think, though, that had one of us really started to become deeply involved with someone else, we would have considered a polyamorous relationship rather than break up. The issue for us isn’t ‘Can you love someone other than me?’ It’s more like ‘Would you stop loving me?’”
Then there was the dude who wrote a thoughtful comment about not actually having a line in the sand. “People make mistakes, even people we love,” he explained. “We all deserve honesty, but we also all deserve understanding and forgiveness. Also, feelings are part of openness. Romantic feelings, confusing feelings, feelings that change individuals and relationships. So I would say ‘cheating’ isn’t really a thing, in my opinion. That doesn’t mean there isn’t such a thing as bad behavior. But I don’t relate to the idea of ‘the unforgivable relationship-sin that can ruin everything.’”
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JClark
Good luck with that. I’ve been in two long-term open relationships. Our primary rule was three-ways only, which my partners didn’t follow. I found the second partner in a three-way with the first one and didn’t feel guilty about it because he was breaking the rules all the time. Some people can probably manage it, but it doesn’t work for me. I’d rather be single than in that situation again. Monogamy becomes a lot easier as you age and sex falls a few notches on the priority list.
RIGay
I agree. I am retired, the husband is not (5 more years). The older we have gotten, the more we like our routine. Sex is not a driving factor in it; it’s more – he’s home from the plant at 3:30, we have dinner watching “Judge Judy”, then the local news, then he’s getting ready for his shift the next morning and off to bed by 7 to watch the recorded ABC World News before lights out. He’s up and out every morning for 5AM.
And we’re REALLY good with the routine! MAN do we get rattled when something comes up to alter that routine!
jsmu
What UTTER garbage!
I’ve been polyamorous my entire life; ecstatically happy with it; never had problems with anything about it. ‘Monogamy’ is a toxic lie based on jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity.
And, of course, if one isn’t even having sex, WTAF is the problem with being emotionally close to others besides a lover/husband? Wow you are majorly EFFED UP.
jsmu
@RIgay Clearly, the older YOU get, the more predictably old, staid, tired, exhausted, and on the verge of death you get. You have my pity.
RIGay
I am with my husband for just over 24 years. When we first met, I was a total horn dog and we tried an “open relationship” – nude, group swims in our pool (private) with other guys, mutual stroking, etc. but he found he was just not comfortable with the sharing THAT much and he backed out of the activity. I found that it really wasn’t fun for me without him, so I just lost interest in the other guys. We settled on enjoying an occasional night out to a male strip club (St. Pete FL) and jointly admiring being up close and personal with the dancers. That was about the extent of it because at the end of the night, we went home and the dancers went onto their next gigs.
Over the years, I’ve know a lot of guys in “open relationships” and came to understand that “open relationship” just seems to mean “I’m not really committed to you and I want options to shop around in plain site”. I’ve yet to see an “open relationship” last for any duration (and don’t kid yourself if you think you are in a stable OR).
The key is communicating. He was and still is the most important person in my life; who I go to sleep next to every night, and wake up next to every morning. He’s who I am happily growing old… and fat… with. And I am who he is happy nesting with on cold mornings and thinking of a day when we are both retired. It comes back to communications. “No” means “no”. “We’ll see” means “No”. Stink-eye means “No”. …but the occasional “Yes!” is fantastic!
jsmu
What absolute delusional imbecilic garbage!
Don’t kid yourself that you know ANYTHING about men, sex, life, love, OR open relationships.
You amazing moron.
LifeinShaw
Most couples who are open say as long as they communicate it’s fine and a few other rules. My experience when was I single and younger (and hooking up with someone’s husband or boyfriend) is that if the other one doesn’t know then it doesn’t count. So no matter how much you think you are communicating with your partner, let me tell you this, he’s hooking up with people you do not know about.
winemaker
Open rlationships or relationships where both parties get together to build a partnership without committment or any of the consrtraints of being faithful, what’s the purpose? Why not just stay single if you want to keep screwing around without any form of committment? Stop wasting time and fooling yourself that these escapades are nothing but just sex without any feelings. Time for people to grow up.
jsmu
What a drooling imbecile you are. Your ignorance is not the basis on which the sentient world functions, Bozo.
I pity whoever got stuck with you.
DarkZephyr
I think I would be in a polyamorous relationship before I did an open one. That being said, I am far more comfy with monogamy.
dbmcvey
Just from my own experience as an old person but I’ve never seen a long lasting open relationship. Not that they shouldn’t try, but, when someone says they want an open relationship it usually mean it’s the end.
If they start out open, it’s a different story.
jsmu
Utter SHITE.
I’ve never seen a successful ‘monogamous’ relationship.
All lies, all jealousy, all lying to oneself and one’s partner.
bachy
I remember coming to the attention of two guys who were in what appeared to be an OR. But they didn’t seem to be operating under the concept of an open “marriage.” Although they lived together and enjoyed three-way sex, they seemed more like “co-adventurers” than like “spouses,” if that makes any sense. The “marriage” model was not employed.
More Kirk & Spock than Steve & Miranda, I guess? They were well matched and seemed to get a big kick out of each other – and had fun seducing bookish solo acts like myself. I remember feeling envious of their erotic camaraderie, but didn’t detect any pretense to marital devotion. Those two jokers really showed me a fun time… it was wild.
Doug
I realize I’m only speaking for myself, but I lost the best relationship I ever had when we decided to open it after six years of being together. It was mostly my idea and we eventually broke up. Years later after a lot of therapy I realized I had some serious intimacy issues and used having sex with other guys as a way to avoid getting close and being vulnerable. He contracted AIDS during the short time we opened the relationship (it was the early 80’s) and died in 1990. I think about him every day and wish we’d stayed together. Just my experience, but I’d never go back into an open relationship.
jsmu
Your own spiritual and psychological problems have no bearing on open relationships in general.
GayEGO
I was with my husband 57 years and though there were a few bumps in the road in the beginning, we loved each other and got married in Massachusetts in 2004. We did not have an open relationship and we lived the American Dream!
jsmu
I don’t believe your fake fairy tale.
jaimedance3
Oh my god! I mean seriously are the morons of the world trying to take over? I mean that’s what open relationship means anyways is cheating! An idiot can figure that out! No offense to the idiots of the world! Hahaha hahaha
Consider This
My observation over an extended period – a quite significant number of open relationships are destined to and will eventually fail.
It is not horribly difficult to understand why that happens…
jsmu
Your ‘observation’ takes place from the vantage point of your second SPHINCTER.
winemaker
Why be in a realtionship if you still want to play the field? Really when two guys or two gals or a man and a woman get into a more than friends relationship that involves intimacy and committment. getting romantically involved with someone else is cheating. Open realtionships are pretty much a farce and are doomed to fail. Please no backlash on this comment as this is my opinion and you’re free to believe what you want just as i am.