SOUNDBITES — “I’m a little bit afraid of intimacy, so I’m much more comfortable just having sex — not even having sex, just making out in a night club or something and then just discarding them and going home. I don’t like bringing people to my house.” —Michael Musto, on his sex life 25 years after starting at the Village Voice [via]
michael musto
“I’m a little bit afraid of intimacy, so I’m much more comfortable just having sex — not even having sex, just making out in a night club or something”
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Mr.Hanky
I’ve just started on the scene recently and the amount of guys out there that are like this is just depressing. Cold, emotionally stunted and terrified of genuine affection…so disappointing.
Joseph
Michael Musto actually finds people that are willing to make out with him?
jason
This is just sad. However, it’s common. I think it reflects a lack of pride. I think it also reflects a fear of self. Anything that is conducted only in a dark corner of a club reflects this dreadful state of mind.
As to why he’s not happy bringing anyone home, does he fear bringing home a mass murderer? Puh-lease. I know there are some vile people out there but if you actually go to the trouble of socializing properly beforehand – rather than just a kiss and cuddle in a dark club corner – you might actually sus the person out enough to know them and be comfortable with them.
As I’ve said before, the whole gay club scene needs to have a giant vacuum cleaner put through it, people included.
bruce
A lot of people don’t want ties for one simple reason: they want to be promiscuous. They want to go from one man to the next depending on mood. Bringing someone home kind of complicates things, you know.
Dave
Quite a common sentiment. In fact I was like that for a time. The fact of the matter is there are a lot of gay men with issues out there. I stopped bringing them home after weird stalker incidents. And now actually do NOT even bother with relationships. Ideally, yes someone is out there, but current social gay culture conditions, just leave a lot to be desired. It’s hard to find a professional, stable, put together man that isn’t the typical stereotype.
bruce
Dave,
The gay club scene is fraught with men who simply want an orgasm. It’s a club scene based on a sex act.
I know a lot of gays who got so disillusioned with gay clubs for this very reason.
We’ve been brain-washed by gay culture gurus into thinking that sex is the answer to all our problems. What they forget is that men also need to bond spiritually with other men in ways that do not lead to sex.
fredo777
@bruce: You sound hot.
Wanna meet up + bone?
Rasa
kind of sad, kind of pathetic, kind of true…
and I can relate.
Fitz
Real intimacy is terrifying, but rewarding too.
If you can’t handle it, but also fear being alone, just distract yourself with depersonalized anon connections or better yet just get into a fetish where you are protected from thinking that the rejection was about you.
On the other hand– for those of us willing to really risk the broken hearts and shattered ego.. true intimacy makes life worthwhile.
D'oh, The Magnificent
Men lacking the capacity for intimacy is why I find dating so boring. Rather than hanging out with a person, the date ends up feeling like I am hanging out with cliches. Personally, I don’t understand how he could have enjoyed the last 25 years.
jeffree
Best advice: Don’t bring him home, get a hotel room ! :- p
To be serious, he needs to:
*1* Drop the “poor me” act. That’s a turn off!
*2* Get over being a “famous” person. That’s an excuse. By now he should b able 2 tell who likes him for him, not because he has celeb status.
*3* Get out of the gay ghetto & just MEET PEOPLE. Gays are everywhere! Do whatever it is he likes 2 do: i dont know, if he likes to eat, join a Meetup group of people who try out various restaurants; if he likes chess (lol) or fishing or foreign movies or art or music or rare books or collecting seashells, there IS a group or club or class he can join.
i met my bf @ a jazz concert in a park!
Stranger things happen every day!
my sister met her husband to be at the dog park. Their dogs were fighting. Those hounds have learned 2 get along, so the marriage is going 2 happen!!
Peter
He probably freaked out when seeing so many people die during the worst days of the AIDS epidemic, before there were any kinds of treatments. This happened to lots of people. His fear of intimacy also happens to lots of people who think that the bathhouse scene is a meaningful sex life.
merkin
I know Michael and he’s a very sweet guy, but extremely shy–which actually makes him a very good nightlife reporter. I don’t think that his comment reflects shallowness or coldness, but rather a kind of social phobia.
jeffree
@merkin: We shy guys often end up with other shy guys –those first conversations are *really* awkward!– or occasioally the total opposite: very outgoing and the get us out of the shell! Not seeing too many shy guys with people in the middle!!
Get a dog, maybe, Michael! Surely they have dog parks somewhere in NYC!! ;-D
Go learn Italian! Go take an improv class! Just go out among us real people!
Lanjier
I think his approach makes sense. No one to show to the door. Lower risk of disease. No asshole to clean up after. Wait. This is making more and more sense! Especially the cleaning up after asshole part. Thanks Musto!
Dave
@Bruce. I totally agree. I do not even go to clubs or bars, I’m that gay guy that actually does not live in that scene and it’s extremely hard to find someone like that. Camping, kayaking, running, dog parks. I get called boring for not wanting the cliche gay man’s life.
Tylertime
I like Musto’s writing, but the man is in his mid 50s. I just turned 40 and the bar/club scene really isn’t meant for gays as we age. Maybe Michael should find another outlet than bars/clubs.
D'oh, The Magnificent
@Tylertime: Exactly. The gay club scene to me is something you do for a few years, and then you move on. You certainly don’t stay there.
terrwill
Michael has been a Good Gay for a long time. His writing is intellignent and entertaing. On the TVs he is witty and smart. A couple of times I have E-mailed him with a question ’bout something in one of his writings and he replied back personally.
(Hasselib: you may want to learn something there from Michael) ………………..I hope he finds the happiness he deserves…………….
adman
I met my partner doing Judo at the gym. He was a cop, and an asshole I thought, since I am a judgemental hypocritical lefty, lol. But, thinking he was straight was a mistake, and a defense, I’ve learned. I didn’t want to get distracted grappling with such a hot guy, so my mind told me “he’s straight”. Others at the gym told him I was gay, and he eventually made a pass…solid victory. Meeting people involved in life is always easier than trying to break through to someone who is determined to entertain themselves. That’s why clubs suck when you’re over thirty…it’s like groundhog day.
scott ny'er
@adman: Meeting people involved in life is always easier than trying to break through to someone who is determined to entertain themselves.
=======
Interesting. I never thought of it like that. And when I compare a bar hopper I know to that statement, lo and behold, it fits well.
adman
@scott ny’er: It’s sort of the wave of the future, to actually meet people in the mix, doing what you do and just connecting in the meantime, I think. It’s always been hard for us GLBT’s because we need indicators of our preferences before we can proceed, but there are so many gay friendly environments where we and straights mix these days, that people can really let down the guard and get on with it.
Check out Grindr and other type of apps, GPS enabled gaydar??? Yes please! I’m taken, but we have met and become involved with Courage Campaign and the like through people we’ve met there…social networking may kill our privacy at times, but it’ll enable us to grow up and meet each other as we are, more effective beyond what the old-school peek at the pecs and ass ever did. Being gay and over thirty has never been this good.