In a heartbreaking new interview, a man by the name of “Mr. Brown” sat down with Q Notes to talk about life on the DL.
According to Urban Dictionary, “on the DL (down-low)” is a term used primarily among African-American men who are gay or bisexual but portray themselves as heterosexual in their everyday lives.
36-year-old Brown tells Q Notes that he grew up in a community where being openly gay or bisexual “just isn’t an option.” His family was deeply religious and had a “zero tolerance policy” for anything LGBTQ-related.
“If you were a gay or bisexual man, you definitely didn’t talk about or tell anyone,” he says “No one in their right mind would open up a can of worms like that.”
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Brown says he’s been attracted to both men and women for most of his life, but “I’m just not in a position where I can be out in the open about it.”
At 23, he married a woman, but he has maintained discreet sexual relationships with other men on the side for years. He mainly meets his partners on Grindr and Jack’d.
Related: Probation department employee admits to sleeping with parolee on the DL but denies killing him
“I mostly sleep with men who are on the DL, too, because that way I know they value their discretion as much as I do,” Brown says. “I’ve always been scared to death that someone would find out about my secret. And if it were to ever get out that I was bisexual, my life would basically be over.”
It has been a constant struggle, and Brown has had to be hyper aware of how he acts so as not to betray his secret.
“I never keep apps on my phone,” he explains. “I download them, and then after I meet up with someone, I delete the app from my phone.”
Brown says he isn’t proud of being on the DL and he wishes he could be more honest with the people he loves, but, sadly, he doesn’t see that as an option for himself.
“If I came out of the closet now, my entire life would be over,” he laments. “My wife would divorce me and try to take my kids away, my family would literally disown me and I would become a social outcast. And, I’m just not willing to give up my whole life just because I happen to be attracted to both sexes.”
He continues, “Every time I sleep with a man I feel guilty. But, that doesn’t stop me from going back online and doing the same thing again when I get that itch.”
Related: On The DL: Straight-Identifying Men Speak Candidly About Their Sexual Relationships With Other Men
DarkZephyr
If he likes men and women, I don’t see why he’s got to cheat on his wife. He needs at the very least to be honest with her about his apparent inability to remain faithful.
Bob LaBlah
If this story is true (and I seriously doubt it) this guy needs some serious counseling. By now everyone knows what dl stands for as to referring to gay men but why all the worry about an anonymous article that names no names or contains any clue as to the identity of the subject. What raises an eyebrow with me is why didn’t he say what city and state he lives in? If his wife or family found out (and no, it doesn’t say they did) then I might be able to understand all the secrecy but thats not the case. This article has a Reddit sound to it.
Smith David
Honey, this is a tale as old as gay time. Living in one’s truth takes bravery. Guys like this have sat back for years and allowed others to do the grunt work. I hope he’s outed.
This is a selfish act and even in his confession he’s only thinking of himself and how he will be affected. I hope he stays hidden until the children are old enough.
Chrisk
Whenever I see that word….”DL” I always block and move on. I mean what the hell is that even suppose to mean. Don’t dress in drag or act gay around me? I mean this is effing 2019!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus what a sorry bunch of cowards. We’re not in Iran or Saudia Arabia for f*ck sakes. Not to mention the sex is always lousy. That is unless you like some idiot acting all weird and then watch the guilt wash all over them at the end. Yeah, no thanks.
Just learn to live in the shitty secret life that you chose all on your own and don’t bring others into it.
TheMarc
Amen!
Donston
I do feel bad for these men who feel, for decades, that they can’t truly be “out” or who simply have a persistent urge to sexually engage with guys but don’t really have any same-sex affections, love, romantic fulfillment or relationship contentment. However, so many of a lot of these guys just come off as incredibly selfish and manipulative. And many wear their “DL” tag with pride. The main incentives to “being out” are political, for your personal mental health and mental ease, and if you truly want to be with someone of your gender and unabashedly love your sex. If you don’t fit into any of these categories then there isn’t much upside to man being out. Furthermore, many of these “queers” who hype up pride are the same ones who fetishize and unabashedly fantasize about “straight” guys, closet cases, dudes on the DL, men who mostly or entirely date women. And that makes us all look like off-our-rockers hypocrites with no genuine “pride” or self-respect.
andrewl
Harsh but I agree in principle with you.
GLF
Exactly. It’s called a hard choice and life is full of them. You cannot expect sympathy for living a dishonest life and crying crocodile tears because you’re too afraid of telling your family you’re bi. Are those people really your family, then? Those of us who are trying to live with integrity bear the brunt of society’s b s because of people like this. There’s a reason Harvey Milk told us to come out to our parents. Real change won’t happen until every single one of us does (once we are in a physically safe situation).
Wicked Dickie
1. Black men aren’t the only ones on the DL, or have hyper religious family where homosexuality is not accepted. Looking at you Mormons, Catholics, Evangelicals. Second, is he practicing safe sex? Black women account for a disproportionately high number of heterosexual HIV transmission recipients (from their DL partners). Third, if the article is about a supposed DL black man, why is the silhouetted model of a caucasian looking man? But whatever, it’s 2019 and PrEp is available, I guess.
Seth
The only thing heartbreaking here is that we’re still coddling people’s cowardice about this instead of telling them to get a backbone and stand up to their hateful family/religion/community. Hard choices don’t get easier when we refuse to face them, we just do ourselves and those in our lives further harm.
Donston
It’s not as simple as you put it. But there are indeed too many folks living for other things. Whether it’s for religion, family, friends, politics, social media, career- there’s all these driving forces. Your truth, your convictions, passions, love, well-being and personal contentment should come before all of that.
I hate to continuously go here, but everyone understanding and embracing the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum would help so much. Otherwise, so many folks will just continue to hide behind the blanket of identity, behaviors and/or sociology. But sociology, family, ego and religion are four monstrous things. The weight of all those factors aren’t going away any time soon. That is especially the case when it comes to the black community.
andrewl
Please live your life who you are and be truthful to your self and your family. I compartmentalised my life for years before coming out and what a waste. Your life will not end, this is not Saudi Arabia, there is no death penalty for being gay/bisexual. Your life may change and may change considerably or it may change very little as you may undervalue just how much you are loved. Live who you are!!!!
Donston
It is funny how when you see an article that’s about “straight” guys who hook up with dudes, guys on the “DL”, closet cases, and bi-identifying men who are in relationships with females you know it’s an article by Graham. I understand being intrigued by those type of guys and situations. And everything should be talked about. But at this point it just comes off as obsession and fetish. His perspective and motivations are part of the problem. Men like Graham hype up of these types of guys and treat them as either great tragedies or as optimum sexual/romantic objects. And that actually hurts them when it comes to being able to truly keep it real with themselves and others and freely live their lives the way they wish. There’s a lot of “queers” who are quick to coddle or even worship these types. But then they’re quick to talk about “pride” or homophobia.
TheMarc
Very well said
Donston
We constantly see these types of guys memorialized in fiction. Yet, high-profile, non-bio pic “gay” movies that aren’t centered around closet cases or secret same-sex affairs are incredibly rare. We’ve yet to even see a semi high profile movie centered around a non-dyfunctional, non closeted male couple. Even The Birdcage from so many years ago was about a long-term same-sex out couple having to suddenly pretend to be a straight couple. We constantly see “straight”, closeted, hetero-leaning guys fetishized and worshiped in pornography. And “gay media” (particularly the likes of Graham) constantly present these guys as tragic figures or as some type of subversive sex symbols or as wish fulfillment idea partners. It’s all very unhealthy and doesn’t assist anyone’s progress or well-being no matter how closeted they are, what identities they do or don’t embrace, or where they fit on the romantic, sexual, emotional, affection, relationship spectrum. Then folks wonder why being closeted or being on the “DL”, why internalized homophobia and gay shame and straight/hetero worship are still so prominent. Most refuse to acknowledge how much they contribute to all this shit.
Prax07
Guys like him, in the US anyway, get absolutely no sympathy from me. They could get a job and move away from vile families as soon as they turn 18, younger if they emancipate. There’s no excuse for staying with parents that essentially enslave who you are by forcing you to be living a lie. And to stick with that lie into an adult life, and bring rugrats into it, well they’re getting the life they deserve for not being real. Boohoo…go cry to your “wife”.
Brian
We all had our version of this and came out anyway, dealt with the aftermath, and started a new phase of life without that monkey on our back. If people would rather live a life and make choices that back them into a corner, that’s on them, my heart definitely doesn’t break for them. Some things in life are hard, but you do them anyway.
C_Alan
He shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids if he didn’t want to commit to that life faithfully. Just think how much happier he would be if he didn’t get married, told his immediate family he was bi and carry on w/o the burden of secrecy/shame. If they disown him for being bi then they weren’t real family to begin with and it’s good to know that sooner rather than later.
Chaz
I try to be sympathetic… but I do wonder why far to many choose to surround themselves with friends and family who do not allow them to be their true selves, and are thus basically allowing themselves to be mentally abused all for the illusion of what is clearly a toxic destructive and debilitating family and community dynamic.
powersthatbe
Poor guy. Every journey is unique, and every person’s choice to come out or not, a deeply personal one. I do hope he has at least one friend who would be OK with it. I think most out guys agree, life does get better when living your truth, surrounding yourself with the “family” of your choice. I do hope anyone living on the DL will eventually come out, but I fully respect those who choose not to. No one has the right to do that, except them.
Virpilosus
That guy needs a very good, experienced psychiatrist and long term therapy. Goal: Rewrite his life.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Was not too long ago Blacks were forced to sit in the back of the bus, sit at separate dining areas, have separate drinking fountains, not be allowed to marry whom they loved and suffer many more condoned and legal forms of discrimination..
For a Black to cast bigotry and hatred on another minority and speak out against equality is vile and disgusting. They are the same abhorrent noxious smcubag pukes the KKK were and are….
Kangol2
Stop this ahistorical, racist claptrap. “A Black”–are you kidding? Black people have had to fight for every right that we have, alongside fighting for this country’s freedom, going back to the Revolutionary War, and separating out Black people and Black LGBTQ people is pure BS. One could say the same thing about racist white gays, for that matter. I mean, just stop it, and stop generalizing about Black people. The main people trying to shut down rights and equality for LGBTQ people are white evangelical Christians, Catholic bishops, Mormon leaders, and the mostly white Republican politicians who agree with them. Take your argument to them and stop sh!tting with your skewed nonsense on Black people!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Kangol12: Pete Buttigieg has 0% Black support in some states. I stated my comment based on a minority casting hatred and bigotry against another minority who suffered the same discrimination and vile attempts to deny our community equality. You cannot deny the facts. And if it makes you happy, I’ll include the smcubag filthy disgusting Orthodox Hasidic Jews who cheered Gays dying of AIDS in the NYC council hearings back in the 80’s. Those vermin seemed to forget the Gays that suffered in concentration camps and were murdered alongside the Jews….
Chrisk
Not to mention the biggest supporter of prop 8 in California was the black community. Really bad when you consider we had just been elected our first black president.
gavo92
A man Down LOW? Sounds more like a guy who is hiding from fire to me. My boyfriend is masculine and is a diesel mechanic, but doesn’t care what others think including his own DAD. Parents who don’t love you regardless of the outcome aren’t really fit to be parents. I mean. . . there some parents out there who would still love their child even if he/she kills another human being. Get over yourself. You put yourself in that position by hiding yourself, so don’t go and blame others when they are shock to hear that you’re on the DL.
radiooutmike
I have some sympathy, but not a lot.
You know what? I was in the closet my whole life. I had girlfriends. I was with my ex-wife for 23 years and I have two kids. You know what I did not do? Have sex with men. I am tired of these men who complain about being on the DL. Oh, I can’t blow up my life. My wife and my kids. Oh, my guys on the side. Jesus Christ.
If you find yourself married to a woman and you are gay, but wanted a traditional life with a wife and kids. Fine. Just jack off to gay porn, don’t get involved with other men. If you can’t be true to yourself at least be true to your wife and family. If you can’t do that, end it.