A recent national survey released by the CDC revealed that more Americans are identifying as bisexual than ever before. Not only that, but more straight-identifying men are admitting to having tried gay sex.
Researchers interviewed more than 9,000 men and women ages 18 to 44 years of age. Of all the men interviewed, 6.2 percent of them said they had engaged in same-sex sexual activity at least once in their lifetime. And of that 6.2 percent, 2.3 percent identified as straight.
So who are these men? And, more importantly, where are they? (Hint: They’re everywhere!) It took some serious detective work, but we managed to locate a few and convince them to chat with us under the agreement that we would keep their identities confidential.
Now, let’s cut to the chase and hear what they had to say…
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Related: CDC Survey Finds A Surprising Number Of Straight Dudes Have Had Gay Sex
Rob (not his real name) is 46-years-old. He lives in San Jose, CA and has been married to his wife for 12 years. He identifies as “straight with bisexual tendencies” and has been hooking up with other guys on the down low since he was 19.
“Hooking up with other men, to me, is a non-complicated way of releasing sexual steam,” he explains. “It’s simply a physical release with no pressure.”
Rob prefers getting together with other married men on the DL, as opposed to single or openly gay men. He finds most of the guys on Craigslist or dating sites like Squirt.org.
“I seek out other married men for the simple fact that they are in the same boat as me, and hopefully can relate to what I am looking for,” he says. “I do not want to jeopardize my marriage. Another married man can understand that. Other married men are not willing to take as many risks.”
The primary risk being, Rob says, “getting strong emotions or falling in love. I wouldn’t want to become the object of another man’s desire. I do find some men attractive, but for me it’s just sexual. I don’t feel attracted to men in a loving way at all.”
Currently, there are two guys Rob sees on a regular basis.
“One is divorced, the other is a widower and semi-retired,” he explains. “They both live alone, and are therefore able to host our get togethers.” But, he is careful to add, “there is no love involved.”
Related: Straight Guys Are Giving “Bro-Jobs” And Hooking Up On The DL Using New App
Tony (not his real name) is 32-years-old. A divorcee, he lives in New York City and just recently began identifying as bisexual, though he’s only out to a small handful of people. He has a casual girlfriend as well as a few regular “buddies” who he will occasionally meet for sex.
“The first time I messed around with a guy I was 21,” he says. “He was an older married guy who I met on a gay website. My challenge is that New York City is a very feminine gay city, and that’s not my type. I’m only into guys who are DL, not being noticed as gay. That’s my protocol. When I find someone who’s a match I keep him as a regular.”
Tony says he meets most of his hookups on dating apps or on Craigslist, and he will often develop close friendships with them afterwards. He says he’s not “paranoid” about people knowing what he does, but he’s still not 100 percent comfortable with it either.
“I would be afraid of telling someone I had a relationship with a man,” he admits, adding that maybe someday he’ll feel differently. Until then, however, “I need to make sure the guy meets my criteria.”
Related: Straight Bro Confused By Warm, Tingly Sensation When He Spoons His Best Bud
Andrew (not his real name) is 33-years-old and lives near New Orleans, LA. He identifies as totally straight and has been married to his wife since he was 21. He had his first gay experience about ten years ago.
“I had been married for two years and was feeling that I wanted to try something different,” he says. “I’ve messed around with about a dozen guys since then. It isn’t often, usually when it feels like my marriage is in a slump or getting boring. It actually invigorates me.”
Like both Rob and Tony, he finds most of the guys he hooks up with online and tends to gravitate towards others who are on the down low.
“I prefer men on the DL,” Andrew explains. “I find I have more in common and it is easier to make a connection.”
Related: “Bro-Jobs” Author Talks Straight Man-On-Man Sex And “Repressed Homosexual Desire”
Jane Ward
is an Associate Professor and Vice Chair of the Department of Gender and Sexuality Studies, as well as the LGBIT Studies Program Chair, at the University of California, Riverside. She is also the author of the bestselling book Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men.
“We can learn a lot about sexual fluidity and diversity from men on the down low,” Ward tells Queerty. “Some men on the DL identify as bisexual but are not public about their sex with men. Others are completely straight-identified and view their sex with men as an erotic hobby, so to speak. For them, it’s an occasional means of getting off, but it’s not something that feels significant enough to influence how they understand their sexual orientation.”
Ward continues: “The point here is that people can engage in the same sexual activity but make meaning of it in very different ways. It’s that process of making meaning that is what ultimately matters when it comes to people’s sexual identifications. Unlike animals, humans have the capacity to reflect on our sex practices and what they mean about who we are and who we want to be.”
Related: Straight Guys Reflect On Those Times They Had Gay Sex
OK, and now the answer to the question you’ve all been wondering: What about these men’s wives and girlfriends? Do they know about their extracurricular activities? Here’s what the guys had to say…
“My wife is not aware,” Rob admits. “I don’t feel guilty doing what I do. However, I would feel bad if she found out. She would be very upset and consider it cheating. It concerns me very much, since I do not want a divorce.”
“My ex-wife didn’t know what I did,” Tony says. “The women I’ve dated lately, though, know. They know how I am and still think I’m interesting and attractive regardless. At this point of my life, I don’t feel like living in lies anymore.”
“If my wife found out she would leave me,” Andrew says. “She is very traditional and religious and does not believe in homosexuality. I love her and wish that we could have some sort of open relationship, but she would never go for it.”
He continues: “Hooking up with other guys is not something that I am proud of. I wish that I didn’t have the urge or want to do it, but there is something about being with another guy that reignites me. After being with another guy I find that I am more loving and happy at home. It adds life to me.”
Related: Ten Sexual Orientations Besides Gay, Straight Or Bi To Round Out Your Sexicon
Photo credits: Kirk Lorenzo, from his series Undisclosed Hedonism
bottom250
Sweethearts I am with many of these me. Often it is because their wives are horrible people who got fat and nag them and these poor men never get head or get anal from their wives. They come to me to get what they don’t get at home a loving caring sexual being.
Tobi
Brian, oh, Brian, you’re on… !
Prinny
@Tobi: Its like its made for him
Will Glitzern
And Heinlein called gay men “poor in-betweeners” in Stranger in a Strange Land…
Amaurys Arias
My God!. The level of delusion.
Dave Downunder
These men want to fool around with other men while still distancing themselves from being associated with gays. They will dip their toe in the water and then run away feeling superior and justifying their actions as not cheating because it is with men (not women) and they could they not feel any affection for men so that makes it OK.
It is a f@cked up dynamic and quite negative towards the men they use for their gratification yet gay men still chase after them like some kind of a trophy. It is a weird phenomenon that I have been a part of but will not indulge any longer because I feel they are not worth my time. I would rather hook up with guys that have more respect for themselves and for me.
Ervin Gainer
ð???
TampaZeke
@bottom250: STRAIGHT men who don’t get head and/or anal from their wives find other WOMEN to get it from. Just like gay men, when they aren’t getting sex from their boyfriend/husband, don’t go looking for a woman to get off with. You are delusional, or your fetish is clouding your good sense, if you think straight men are seeking you out for sex. The men who are having sex with you are closeted gay/bi men. Hate to fuck up your fantasy.
TampaZeke
Queerty’s absolute obsession with “straight identifying” closeted men is ridiculous. There is at least one post every day dedicated to their fetish for closeted men.
bottom250
@TampaZeke: Honey please some find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with men because it’s easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they’re otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.
Hal Jason Pischer
Why does the world have to make it to show this???? Why is this so important???? It’s not it’s just humans being humans in their nature.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@TampaZeke: It is bizarre. Just ignore the posts.
Mikah92
Interesting study,however there should be nothing suprising about this.Homosexual behavior is far more common and frequent among males than people realize.As homophobia continues to slowly decline in our society,more men will begin to open up about same sex desires.
Billy Budd
@bottom250: Bottom250 has a valid point. I have been fucked by guys who were straight-identifying and they would refuse to kiss me and refuse to give me a BJ. They just wanted to fuck me with no strings attached -at all. I obliged but it was not my best fuck experience, to say the least. Also, technically ALL THESE MEN ARE BISEXUALS. There is no point in denying it.
SashaVonAndris
I feel like the Kinsey scale gets overlooked a lot when it comes to such issues. I thought it meant from 0 (predominantly heterosexual) to 6 (predominantly homosexual), means it involves their sex lives as well. Now it seems if you’re a 2 on the Kinsey, “I give bro jobs”, he’s now a 6.
Human sexuality and it’s complexities though…
Billy Budd
I mean TECHNICALLY. Even if they think they are straight, they are really bisexuals.
bottom250
@Billy Budd: thank you sweetheart. Like all men some of these men did me soooo good and others not so much but as long as I made them happy that is all that matters
Paco
Closet gays and bisexuals not willing to risk giving up their hetero privilege.
A telling quote from the article – “Hooking up with other guys is not something that I am proud of. I wish that I didn’t have the urge or want to do it,”
And self-hating, too. These guys can call themselves straight all they want, but I can also call myself a teapot but never be one.
Billy Budd
@bottom250: You bring happiness to the straight world, Bottom250! LOL . Well done!
bottom250
@Billy Budd: Sweetheart that is my role in life to be the Queen of happiness.
Bauhaus
@Amaurys Arias:
Concise.
Pete
@Dave Downunder: Believe it or not there are guys who have sex with other guys who don’t think Madonna is all that fabulous and have never watched an episode of the Golden Girls.
bottom250
@Pete honey they need to give up their gay card 🙂
Aromaeus
All of the ones with wives and girlfriends who don’t know about their affairs need to fall down a very, very steep cliff. I have no love for closet cases who drag women into their mess. You could just as easily be a bachelor and do what you do without involving people who are actually looking for monogamous romantic relationships. You can’t even blame it on familial or societal pressure in this day and age. Pack up and move somewhere more liberal and just give your family the cliff notes of your life.
Paco
@Aromaeus: It is selfishness to the nth degree. These guys only care about themselves and have no feelings about how their secret could impact the lives of the women they are using. The one guy in the article is a complete pig.
“My wife is not aware,” Rob admits. “I don’t feel guilty doing what I do. However, I would feel bad if she found out. She would be very upset and consider it cheating. It concerns me very much, since I do not want a divorce.”
He doesn’t feel bad about what he is doing behind his wife’s back. He would only feel bad that she would divorce him for not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. How can people be so selfish and have so little regard for how their deceit can destroy the lives of a person they are supposed to care about? And of equal importance, how can any person find that to be an attractive quality in another.
Are these men sociopaths?
Bellamy
“BISEXUAL (“bi”): A heterosexual man or woman who encounters lustful desires for the same gender, or a homosexual man or woman who encounters lustful desires for the opposite gender. The Kinsey Institute claims that most human beings encounter these sensations but do not act upon the; those who do act upon them categorize their fornication as “bisexuality”. Often a homosexual person who has repressed their true sexuality by trying to live a fraudulent heterosexual life will label themselves bisexual simply because they have had sex with the opposite gender and/or have gotten used to it. There are a great many reasons why heterosexuals have sex with the same gender, and they incorrectly label themselves bisexual. Having intercourse with both genders does not constitute a bi-sexual identity but a violation of the person’s hetero or homo sexual identity, much like a right handed person trying to use his left hand. A “true” bisexual (if there really is such a thing… and in my counseling experience only hermaphrodites qualify) would be a person who, without having any influence by previous sexual contact, is able to enter a romantic lifetime union (marriage) with any person without any regard whatsoever to the gender of the other person, and would not favor one gender over the other in any way – and, most importantly, would not need both genders to be satisfied. Fornicating simply to ‘get off’ does not define sexual orientation. Orientation is NOT fluid – lust is.”
Kevin Schupp
This isn’t a surprise to the LGBTQ community. I think we’ve experiential seen this for years. Gay bars are often place where gay men get propositioned by straight/bisexual men.
Billy Budd
@Bellamy: You have just wrote such an enourmous amount of BULL! I feel that you are beyond my reach -or anyone’s. You won’t listen to reason.
Billy Budd
written
JamJewel
@TampaZeke: Queerty knows how many of us are reading these articles and is catering to it’s audience. Back off! Especially since Queerty is not particularly ad-based; it means we are all just having fun.
JamJewel
@Bellamy: @Billy Budd is correct: you seem to epitomize the people who shame bisexuals, especially bisexual men; one who would suggest that even one homosexual relationship would qualify a man as gay even if he ends up in a long-term monogamous romantic relationship with a woman. This is a prevailing view in the male gay community but extends to the larger str8 male community as well where two women sexually engaged is ‘hot hot hot’ without any contemplation as to whether or not those ladies are str8 or gay. But two guys? No way can will be extended the same courtesy.
Louie Mars
Being gay has ruined being homosexual. I don’t need the culture, dress code, mannerisms.. I just love sex with men.
Maude
I tried both when I was much younger, and I enjoyed the straight experience but the gay experiences were not, and still are not just experiences…
By comparison, they are, for the most part….sexual happenings of a spectacular nature…..Far more satisfying when you consider there is something to suck on, something to sit on, something to hold on to…and all at the same time if you so desire. Call me animal, or call me depraved, but please don’t call me late for an orgy.
bottom250
@Maude: so beautiful sweety
Bellamy
JamJewel & BillyBudd… you can scream all you want to, but it is YOU that is trying to pass your fantasies off as fact by propagating the lie that SEX ACT = SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Heterosexual men have sex in prison all the time, and no matter how much your dirty little fantasy wishes it, THEY ARE NOT HOMOSEXUAL, they are HORNY, which is a result of lust (which, for the record, is NOT a religious term) – lust is an uncontrolled sex drive. Sexual orientation doesn’t start with sexual desire or horniness, but with intimate emotional desire – which is why heterosexual men who fool around with other men are not in it for the romance and emotional intimacy, especially long-term intimacy (marriage) – it is 100% SEX to them, which DOES NOT CONSTITUTE ORIENTATION.
Many homosexual men throughout history have lived in opposite-gender (NOT HETEROSEXUAL) marriages due to parental, religious, and societal pressures, to mask their homosexual identity from others to because they do not wish to acknowledge their homosexuality because they were taught that it was bad. But no matter how often that homosexual man has sex with that unfortunate wife, he is not heterosexual and he is not “bi-sexual” – he is a homosexual forcing himself to do something that is contrary to his innate homosexual NATURE (orientation), and after convincing himself long enough that his homosexuality is bad he will then mistake his intense PLATONIC love for his wife as a heterosexual romantic love… but then his inner True Self, which he has crammed down into the deep recesses of his being, will claw and gasp its way to the surface and he will then say, “I must be bisexual”.
bottom250
@Bellamy: So fabulous honey well said
Stache
@Dave Downunder: I’m the same way. Used to hook up with married, straight identifying but just can’t anymore.
I’ll never understand some gay men’s need for that now. The sex is usually never worth it. The worst part is the guilt you see wash over them afterwards. Makes you feel like shit.
Bellamy
In order words, bi-sexuality is not a sexual orientation; it is simply the word we use to define a heterosexual who engages in (non romantic emotional) sex acts with those of the same gender or a homosexual who engages in (non romantic emotional) sex acts with those of the opposite gender. Sexual Orientation is defined by which gender you are able to enter a lifelong romantic emotional UNION with in which you would grow old together and build a life together and have your hearts knit together in romantic and sexual love.
AtticusBennett
my fave are the “gay guys are too feminine!” losers. no. the problem is you’re riddled with internalized homophobia, you still wish you were 100% straight, and you will waste years of your life pretending that there’s nothing you can do about it.
if you’re a guy in NYC and all the gay men are “too feminine” you need a wake-up call: they’re merely comfortable with who they are, and you’re still living each day trying to be the man your lousy homophobic father wished you were.
this was stupid beyond words.
they’re not masculine, and they’re not manly. they’re grown-adult COWARDS and this is freaking pathetic in 2016
Stache
@Paco: I understand it to a point. Like if he’s young or they met young. However, if you’re still running around like this past say 35 somethings seriously wrong with your head. I’ve seen guys in their 60’s still doing this behind their wives backs. It’s anything but hot or cute. I too wonder if they’re sociopaths.
AtticusBennett
this is why i don’t hook up with guys who aren’t Out. i’ve been Out since i was a teen. i’ve been an advocate, an activist, i’ve worked hard for years to shatter the patriarchal homophobia in culture, and these grown-adult wimps want to do NOTHING to help the cause, but still get some bone on the sly? hell no. you don’t deserve it.
Stached1
None of these men are actually straight/hetero, they’re either bisexual or gay but this site has a creepy obsession about actual hetero/straight men having sex with men.
@AtticusBennett: If you hook up with them how do you really know if they are actually out or not?
@Louie Mars: I have heard that from older gay/homosexual men who do not like the term ‘gay’ and prefer pretty much all other terms for being homosexual instead.
Paco
@Bellamy: You are forgetting that sex with another person still requires desire and in most common instances, attraction as well. Why go through the trouble of finding another person that is not your preferred gender for sex, if you are going to just reduce it to a biological act on par with masturbation?
Even if I were locked up in a women’s prison, I would still choose my own hand and fantasies for sexual gratification over forcing myself to have sex with a woman because there would be no desire or attraction. It simply wouldn’t be enjoyable for all that is missing.
Mind-f*cking yourself and performing extreme mental gymnastics so you can better cope with your feelings of self-loathing or fear of being seen as “one of those gays”, doesn’t make it necessarily true that you aren’t gay or bi-sexual. If a guy wants to live his life like that, then fine. The problem I have is when they lack empathy for the people they selfishly deceive and use (such as the clueless wives and girlfriends) to help them live a lie against their will. Basically robbing these women of their choice in the matter. The choice to not be exposed to STDs from a cheating partner with questionable regard for their wellbeing and the choice to not be involved with a one sided “open relationship”. It isn’t harmless and it isn’t just sex.
Paco
@Stache: yeah I think age may be a factor. Many gay men start out “straight” or “bi” until they find their footing with their sexuality.
AtticusBennett
it’s very easy to find out if a person is Out or not. there’s more to hooking up than saying “Sup? got pics?”
discernment, please. not out? not a contributor to our culture? not having access to my bed, thanks.
Bellamy
The level of ignorance in the Gay Community about human sexuality is mind blowing. Sex acts DO NOT DEFINE ORIENTATION. PERIOD.
Stache
@Bellamy: Maybe not in prison but in real life yes it does. If you just like dick your gay. If you like both pussy and dick your bi. Orientation is hard wired. Not something you just make up.
scotshot
Dick is Dick.
AtticusBennett
@Bellamy:
they don’t. but they can, for those that are of that orientation. the issue is this: for all the “i’m not actually GAY but i enjoy sex with other men” types there are also actually-gay men who are so crippled by internalized homophobia that they can’t even admit it to themselves.
there are bisexuals. there’s the massive grey area.
and there’s plain old cultural homophobia where gay men don’t want to be gay and will construct a delusional reality wherein they convince themselves that they’re something they’re not.
AtticusBennett
Intent and Motivation – it’s not the acts you engage in, it’s your DESIRE for them.
i’ve met guys who still claim to be bisexual, despite having never so much as kissed a girl, let alone masturbated to one. why? because they don’t like the idea that they’re gay.
intent and motivation. there are porn stars that are gay for pay, who can disengage the stigma on same-sex activity, enjoy the physical sensations, yet not have personal cravings and desires for same-sex action.
the guys in this article? there’s so much language in it that is EXCLUSIVE to the male with internalized homophobia.
it’s like those reddit wimps who always say things like “gay guys are always saying that i’m pretending to be more masculine than i really am because they’re jealous that they’re not as masculine as me” when the reality is more than likely that their performance is so forced and obvious and they’re upset that they’re not fooling anyone.
Tobi
@Louie Mars: “I don’t need the culture, dress code, mannerisms.” Just don’t forget that without the out, loud & proud crowd, homosexuality would probably still be a criminal offence.
AtticusBennett
@Tobi: when they say that, what they’re really saying is “my family made fun of those things so i’m gonna spend more of my adult life viewing gay culture through the eyes of my homophobic family”
it’s pathetic.
that’s what these guys are all saying. it’s basically “i was raised to think negatively about gay people, and it’s total messing up my ability to live an honest life”
AtticusBennett
“im not one of those guys who likes GAY things. i’m SO not gay. i just love penises; one in my mouth and one in my bum. but i DONT listen to lady gaga, so i’m not one of those GAY gays”
Bellamy
@Stache: Wow, TOTALLY wrong. Genitals are the very last factor in Oriention. A heterosexual man is still heterosexual even if he never sees even a photo of a pussy his entire life, and a homosexual man is still a homosexual even if he spent his entire life from cradle to grave among a group of Amazonians and never sees another male.
Orientation is based on psychological + emotional + romantic + sexual desire that would lead to a psychological + emotional + romantic + sexual BOND (i.e. marriage, or whatever life long mating term you want to label it) with either masculine/male or the feminine/female – regardless of the masculinity or femininity of that male or female (some straight guys like straight but butch chicks and some women like straight but effeminate/gentle guys). If you have never seen another human before and you suddenly walk into a room full of males and females – not knowing what’s between their legs – and whichever of the two you feel the instant psychological + emotional + romantic + sexual connection to DEFINES YOUR ORIENTATION.
Paco
@Tobi: They pretend that gays are “other” while forgetting that gays are homosexual and enjoy homosexual sex just like themselves. Yet when they regularly engage in homosexual sex they aren’t really homosexual or bisexual because they aren’t in love with the guys like they are with women or something. The delusion is mind boggling.
They grew up with homosexual sex between men being viewed as wrong and weak, and being unable to suppress their desire for other men, they convince themselves they aren’t homosexual while secretly desiring and engaging in homosexual sex.
DCguy
More closeted guys lying to their wives. Yawn.
onthemark
It’s good if these DL guys only want each other and they want to leave us regular gay guys out of their weird “loop.” That seems to be more & more common lately when it wasn’t in the past. At least now they usually seem to be candid enough on the apps, CL, Squirt etc about wanting only other DL types.
Also I’ve noticed that if the site requires them to define themselves, they do tend to call themselves “bi.” It’s actually pretty rare that they call themselves “straight.” (Only hustlers do that, not married-to-women DL guys.) So when I was doing the sites I usually translated “straight” as $, and “bi” as omg-boring-mindnumbingly-awful-sex. (Unfair to “real” bi guys, possibly!) For whatever that’s worth.
onthemark
@Paco: They also don’t learn how to do it right!
Hermes
@TampaZeke: Your assumption – and their apparent assumption – that all straight men who have sex with men are closeted and actually gay is false. I’m gay, many of my friends who in my teens and twenties regularly asked me to give them oral and other types of pleasure – were straight, not closeted, not bisexual – straight. I still know some of them. They were straight, they are straight – which did not keep them from being sexual with another guy – me. I think its a great deal more than 6.5 percent (and journal level studies, like Pathela and Others; Discordance between Sexual Behavior and Self-Reported Sexual Identity; Annals of Internal Medicine; September 2006 agree – in the case of Pathela to the tune of more than twice).
Hermes
Paco
@Hermes: Homosexual sex is homosexual sex no matter how you try to cloud the issue. Enjoying sexual acts with either sex is bisexual. It takes a great deal of privilege to call yourself heterosexual while desiring and enjoying homosexual sex. Even more so when you have to keep it hidden from others like it is a shameful act.
Stache
@Paco: Clouding the issue is a great term.
It’s really as simple as what you masturbate to. Most guys don’t masturbate to (psychological + emotional + romantic) story lines.
Liam
Nice to see that we might finally be moving past wish fulfillment to being real about male sexuality. I’ve held for all my life that sex and love are not the same thing, and that others agree with this if they are truly honest with themselves.
bottom250
Straight boys use me as a sex toy to get off because I do things their wife won’t, sweethearts
Brian
All men have homosexual feelings. This fact scares women and it scares liberals in general.
Liberalism is based on the idea that male bisexuality is gross but female bisexuality is hot. I call it the bisexual double standard.
That is why liberals like to play up the “gay” category for men but not the “bisexual” one. For women, they like to play up the “bisexual” category (even though most female bisexuality is fake) but not the gay one. Liberals are literally terrified of the idea that men can swing both ways.
Women use their sexuality as a marketing ploy, and will often fake it in order to gain an advantage. They see the genuine sexuality of men – including the possibility that their husbands and boyfriends might turn to men – as a threat. They see it as a threat to the female gender.
bottom250
@Brian: small L liberal or Large L Liberal?
William Silence Cartwright
I tell these supposed straight men you are poison to the community if you can’t face your identity then see someone to deal with it so you can be happy and not let one of us fall in love with you or get some very strong feelings for you and get hurt in the process if you decide to just move on. I know all to well. I was seeing this guy for awhile had some strong feelings and found out he was married to a woman. So I don’t deal with bi dudes or married guys.
onthemark
@Brian: “Liberalism is based on the idea that male bisexuality is gross but female bisexuality is hot.”
And what idea is conservatism based on?
@bottom250: Don’t worry, Brian has never been to Canada and he doesn’t know about the Liberal Party, he’s just a douchebag!
John Malin
I have no real judgements about these men, it is their lives. One word of caution though, if a married woman finds out her husband has cheated with another woman, it may lead to forgiveness, or divorce,; with another man, you will lose everything she can get and more. Women do NOT take kindly to guys on the down low.
Paco
@Brian: “All men have homosexual feelings.”
No Brian. According to the men in the article and a few commenters here, it is the lack of feelings during homosexual sex that preserves their heterosexual label and separates them from “the gays”.
Benet Leigh
I bet the numbers are actually higher.
bottom250
@onthemark: As a foreigner Americans view of Liberalism is very starnge it is the opposite of the rest of the world.
Bellamy
“Liberal” (from Liberty) is freedom, while “Conservative” is freedom deprivation. There is no other legitimate definition.
Bauhaus
Bi guy here (crouching under kitchen table to avoid getting hit by poison darts). What a thread… Carry on!
Bellamy
I can try to write with my left hand while singing Rap just for the fun of it until Donald Trump defends gay marriage,
but I’ll still be a right-handed white boy till the day I die,
and no amount of speaking Ebonics while calling myself “ambidextrous” will change that.
A dude who is only able to fall in love with and have an intimate married life with a female is a Heterosexual no matter how many dudes he allows to suck his pud and no matter how much he claims “bisexuality”.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION is a PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL/GENETIC/ROMANTIC/SEXUAL DISPOSITION – not a sex act.
If he cannot fall in love with another man, HE IS NOT HOMOSEXUAL.
And regardless of what hole he sticks his pudwacker in, if he cannot FALL IN LOVE with a male the same way he is able to FALL IN LOVE with a female, HE IS NOT BISEXUAL.
scotshot
@Brian: Another visit by the 75 year old church lady who labels herself “Brian”. It’s always nice to see him/her here. It means I’m not the biggest idiot here.
Maritz Olivier
This is what’s wrong with the gay community. This is the picture that outsiders get of the gay community. These kind of guys make me sick
Bauhaus
@scotshot:
Think of “Brian” as Phyllis Schlafly or her equally repugnant, quisling gay son, John.
Billy Budd
Bellamy is intensely stupid.
Sand Nierenberg
If they are saying they are straight and having sex with men news flash they are Gay
Brian
I hate the term “down low”. It has such a negative meaning. We should replace it with “up high”.
Male homosexual desire should be celebrated. Women tend to oppose it because they consider it the ultimate form of misogyny in men who are also attracted to women. Much of the negative vibe around bisexual men is due women.
Women see female bisexuality as a superiority ploy, even if it’s fake. They use it to assert their twisted notion of “superiority” over male concepts, including male bisexuality.
throwslikeagirl
Dishonesty is never the best policy.
Brian Cherry
We shouldn’t refer to them as “Straight identifying”. Gay or bi, they’re closeted.
Oona Gorman
What Gutless wonders these guys are. All I hear is, “Blah blah…doing what I want.” I’ll bet if their wives or s.o said ” I like to trip the light fantastic too… Doesn’t mean a thing honey bun” they’d explode. Free advice. Stop treating “gay” like its a disease. Be honest. Stop “spraying the Gd bushes”, glove the fu** up, be honest and allow the people you say you *love* to love the real you. The only thing wrong with you gents is guts. Get some.
youarekiddingme
@Bauhaus: Brian has 5 Phd’s and an MD…Don’t insult him!! He has been published by the New England Journal of Medicine, the Journal of the Amerian Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association.
They all published him as the biggest BULLSHIT artist of all time!!! He shovels it up out of god knows where, lights a match and pours gasoline on it in the hope that moths will be attracted to the flames of his flaming piles of SHIT!
Timothy Ronald Pell
Straight. Just like Liberace.
Adam
Bisexual men get shit on by both the gay and straight worlds. They’re almost always suspected of being in-denial closet cases, which is terribly simplistic and unfair. Sexuality is complicated, people. And if we can accept that a woman can fall in love with and/or enjoy sex with people of both genders — something that is positively celebrated in straight culture — then why can’t we believe the same can be true for a man?
Instead, we dismiss these men, drive their behavior underground and make them feel they need to compartmentalize their desires: Sex with women is loving and intimate; sex with men is cold and impersonal. If instead we accepted these men for who the are, I believe you’d have a hell of a lot of men out there having normal, healthy relationships with people of both genders, and nobody would make a big deal about it.
My2Cents
Hell I am a gay man and my husband has lost interest in sex. Whether is all sex or just sex with me I don’t know. Talking about it just leads to excuses and maybe a pity fuck once or twice a year. I’m not in a place where I can leave him right now and he would never go for an open relationship. So I’m stuck and I would love to find one of these DL guys. I’ve never thought of myself as a cheater but now I totally understand it and no longer judge those who sneak around.
Giancarlo86
@youarekiddingme: YOUARE>>>KID<<<DINGME = PEDOPHILE TROLL = SAD TWAT.
DC Sheehan
“My challenge is that New York City is a very feminine gay city” Whut?
Dave Downunder
I don’t want to debate whether being bi is a legit thing or if these guys are in denial or not. My biggest issue is with their shitty attitude about it. The deception to their wives/partners and the the way they use gay men as a convenience to be pushed aside and forgotten once they have fulfilled their guilty pleasures. The whole NSA I’m not looking to get attached thing. They don’t view it as cheating because they don’t see it as meaningful.
The fact they they view man on man sex as a guilty pleasure is evidence that they don’t see it as being equal or normal. They think they are being open minded but they are still being bigoted. It’s like people who say ‘I’m cool with gay people, some of my best friends are gay’ but they still view us as different and would not be happy if their kids were gay. Tolerance and acceptance are two very different things.
Brian
@Dave Downunder: Women deceive men all the time. So what’s your point?
Brian
Women can be EXTREMELY homophobic in the sense of opposing any fraction of homosexual desire in their husbands or boyfriends. He might only be 10% interested in men but she will immediately perceive this as a threat.
It reflects a woman’s fear of overall male power, of his ability to turn away from a woman and instead direct his erotic attention to men.
DougDittmer
I lived this life and sought out other emotionally unavailable men. My greatest fear was to actually feel emotionally attracted to another guy or have some guy become attached to me. It scared me to death because if I ever fell in love with some guy it would mean that I was gay, not just bisexual, and it would rip apart my own self-concept, and it would destroy my marriage and turn my world upside down. Since coming out in midlife, I’ve worked with hundreds of other gay men coming out in midlife and published a book to help other men struggling to understand. “Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages.” Male sexual orientation is not “fluid”. Sexual orientation does not change over a lifetime though sexual behavior and sexual identity may change as we become more experienced and accepting of ourselves.
Sluggo2007
Bottom Line: Men love blowjobs and will have gay sex if they think nobody will find out about it.
Brian
@DougDittmer: Your thoughts are interesting but I think you subscribe too easily to terms like gay and straight. You need to remember that these are political terms. They are manufactured terms. They are terms which tend to put a strait-jacket on the way one thinks.
Wherever possible, I use terms like gay-identifying and straight-identifying in place of gay and straight. This concedes to the fact that both these terms are terms of choice.
Also, have you ever considered the role that women play in shaping men’s views and feelings? I think it goes back to the strong influence that our mothers had on us. My theory is that women resent the power of male sexuality and, therefore, male bisexuality. This causes the husbands and boyfriends of women to hide their same-sex feelings to such a fearful extent that it becomes a phobia of self.
Much of male behavior – and not just sexual behavior – is dictated by the approval/disapproval of women.
bottom250
@Sluggo2007: Amen to that sweetheart.
Anthony Colaizzi
Men on the DL need to accept that their sexuality isn’t so ridged. This anti-gay mentality is damaging to the Equal Rights movement.
ohiostud
@TampaZeke: Absolutely. If I can’t find other men to have a good time with I then automatically default to spending hours year after year searching hookup sites for WOMEN — (sarcasm).
Didn’t need to read any further than the headline. Went directly to the comments section hoping to find a comment that sums up the myth and I think yours is spot on. Thanks for stating it better than I probably could.
Wanker
@bottom250: Hi bottom250. I appreciate that you speak from experience (rather than some agenda to label, criticize, or judge people). Regarding “social skills… required to have sex with women”: It should be noted that often it’s not about lack of social skills, but a lack of interest in spending the time and effort to put on the show that women seem to need, while getting so little in return in terms of beauty and warmth (I’m talking on average, and in the U.S.). This point always seems to be left out of these articles, probably to avoid a firestorm from the PC-crowd, I guess. I am speaking from experience, not conjecture.
Joseph Smelser
This is very funny to me, no doubt they’re attached to their special buddy after a certain period of time.
bottom250
@Wanker: hugs honey. I am just a Queen who loves sex with men. I am not here to judge men’s personal or political motivations or to decide what label to call them. My motivation is strictly physical. I desire those men I sleep with to be physically in me and for that brief moment of time it is only us pleasing each other no wives, no political agenda just pure physical lust.
missedgle
@SashaVonAndris: your absolutely right
,sometimes i feel like I’m missing out,but I could never be with a a woman
..yuck
Blackceo
Interesting. I think too many people view sexuality from a one or the other mentality. Like the one guy said…he was straight with bisexual tendencies. I consider myself gay with bisexual tendencies. I’ve had sex with women and enjoyed it but my desire for men far exceeds my desire for women. Some guys say well then you are bisexual. I mean I know it makes me a 6 on the Kinsey scale since I’m not exclusively homosexual. But its like a 6.85. We really need to get over the need to put everyone in a neat little box to serve our own needs. Just let them be and do whatever and whomever they want without having to label it.
Stached1
@Dave Downunder: There are tons of gay men who are married to men who cheat on their husbands with men they hook up with in secret. Cheating and lying to a partner is never a good thing.
@Blackceo: Since you’re bisexual you would be a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale and not a 6.
@Adam: Very true but a lot of gay men can be extremely biphobic, or jealous of us bisexual men.
Stached1
@Sluggo2007: Yeah and they’ll go to male sex partners if they are bisexual or even gay; but not if they are hetero/straight.
@My2Cents: Leave your husband and get a divorce. Don’t cheat.
Blackceo
@Stached1:
Ooops…for some reason I thought the scale was 0 to 7. Thanks for that correction. So a 5.85
David O'Flaherty
The wonders of human behaviour
imperator
I ambush-kissed a girl I had a crush on in grade 2 and wrote a note espousing my affection for another girl in grade 10, but in retrospect I don’t think I had any *sexual desire* for them. I had an attraction to guys as early as grade 1, I’m sure of it, though I never realized it was sexual until somewhere around 15 or 16 yrs old. I’ve only ever had sex with men, never *desired* sex with a woman, so I identify as gay.
That said, if I had sex with a woman tomorrow for some reason, I don’t think it would change how I perceive my orientation at all. It’s an act I could physically engage in without bursting into flames on contact, and just doing it wouldn’t suddenly make me “bi.” So I find the knee-jerk conflation of behaviour and identity- “oh, he fucked another guy so he can’t be straight”- to be awfully narrow-minded and reactionary.
Some guys who have “DL” sex with other guys, sure, I expect they are closeted bisexuals, or they’re gay and in deep denial. But I don’t find it inconceivable that a straight guy who is truly only *attracted* to women and only desires women could choose, without any particular compulsion (or revulsion) to get his rocks off with another guy if the opportunity presented itself. We prove that sexual release can be an end in itself every time we have sex with someone we have no intention of pursuing any further relationship with.
Seattleguy
I have had thousands of safe sex encounters with mostly bisexual married men over the years. What is surprising is that I almost always ask what their history of sex with men. The majority have said that they never played around with men till they were over 35, often considerably so. If surveyed they could honestly say they were straight for the first half of their life, but not over the full course of their lifetime. I think when people get older people start accepting parts of themselves that didn’t fit with the whole when they were younger. 25 years ago many might have been fighting being gay, but today most all of these men bond emotionally with women but like casual sex with men. I think the number of bisexual men is vastly under reported.
Brian
Men are far more accepting of female bisexuality (even it’s fake) than women are of male bisexuality.
Brian
Note the existence of the bisexual double standard in American society. If a woman says she’s bi, she’s accepted even if she’s faking it. If a man says he’s bi, the very same people who accept female bisexuality will say something like “ewwww” or “you’re really gay”.
It’s because the idea of male bisexuality threatens liberals. Liberal women feel disempowered at the mention of male bisexuality. Liberal gay guys don’t want to offend liberal women, and thus adopt the liberal woman’s negative viewpoint about male bisexuality. Conservatives tend to be more accepting of male bisexuality than liberals.
scotshot
@Brian: “Conservatives tend to be more accepting of male bisexuality than liberals.”
Did you draw your conclusion from pastors like Kevin Swanson who advocates all gays be executed, or his associates who recommend torture, internment, deportation, etc.?
Paco
@imperator: Are you regularly seeking out sex with women and enjoying it? These men on the DL aren’t just having one time experimental sex with other men. They are regularly seeking out other men to have sex with and enjoying it.
Just because they label themselves something, doesn’t make it true. Regular, compulsive behavior does help categorize our identity. These men are the ones being narrow-minded by clinging to a label that doesn’t apply to them based on their regular repeated actions that they desire and enjoy but are ashamed to embrace openly.
Stached1
@AtticusBennett: OK I have never hooked up with anyone via grindr or even the internet really. The few times I did it I would meet the other people in person in LGBT bars in person.
Stached1
@Blackceo: You would be a 5, there are not decimal points inbetween the numbers on the scale. Why not just come out as bisexual?
Chris-MI
The Kinsey scale is actually pretty straightforward; it’s based on your sex partners in the last two years.
100% same sex = 6
100% opposite sex = 0
The guys in the article appear to have more opposite sex contacts than same sex contacts, so they would be ones or twos. Kinsey scale does not comment on which sex you are primarily attracted to or whether you’d behave differently in different circumstances, or what you did in the remote past or will do in the future.
AtticusBennett
“Brian” could always make a video about his amazing conservative friends and family that shows how much they support the LGBT community and his own bisexuality.
but he won’t. because he can’t. because they don’t.
“Brian” is a crazy troll who’s used various screen names for years, who hates liberals, and hates women and is literally that dorito-dusted closeted basement-dweller that all but defines the Anonymous Internet Troll.
AtticusBennett
btw, “NYC is a very feminine city” actually means “nearly all of the gay men in NYC are Out, Proud and don’t care what others think. I’m Closeted and i hate that”
yeah blanche. we know.
youarekiddingme
@Giancarlo86: It’s ok honey. Following me around are you? Can’t do any better that copy another person’s screen name and add a “1” to it huh?
Still writing in “CAPS”? Do we have anger issues? Poor thing. Overbearing Mother and Drunk, Abusive Father I take it? There is counseling available for you. It’s even free if you don’t have the financial resources. Go to a LGBTQ Center near you and ask for help.
Not sure about that help in the UK however (where you’re from). I hope it’s comparable.
Best of luck and try not to follow me from place-to-place. It’s really a waste of your time. I’ve flagged you and I’m ignoring your comments from now on.
Blackceo
@Stached1:
I know there aren’t. I was being facetious.
elenajosh
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Hermes
@TampaZeke: Let me be blunt – that is NOT what the research shows. Sorry that doesn’t mesh with your personal preferences.
ErikO
These men are not hetero/straight at all.
But a lot of queens need that fantasy.@TampaZeke: Well said.
markrendall
I’m a gay man. I’ve been out for 15 years.
One thing that has always bothered me about the gay community is the overall acceptance of sleeping with others who are either married or in committed relationships. I’m talking about gay men who actively seek sex with married men and the closet cases who allow it. You see it in porn; the fat bald guy putting up gloryholes for married men or so called “straight,” men.
I believe it really comes from a dark place of low self esteem on the gay man’s part and shame on the closet case. Sadly most of these gay men will never achieve fulfilling relationships of their own while the “straight,” men they seek can go home to their wife and kids.
I do feel sorry for those who are confused but things aren’t always easy as adults and we have the responsibility to make the hard choices from time to time.
Sex is great. It’s natural it’s fun. But it has it’s place. Hopefully the gay community can rally around psychological sex issues that so many gay men have so that they can enjoy real fulfilling relationships with other like men who are not afraid of who they are.
markrendall
@bottom250:
No they don’t come to you because their wives won’t put out. That’s what other women are for. They come to you because:
a) You are easy and free
b) They are bisexual or gay and seek release
c) Neither of you have any class, morals or values
d) You go after attached men because you have a very low sense of self worth
e) You put ads offering yourself up as a disease ridden whore on Craigslist