Don’t let the bulging biceps, septum piercing, or leather gear deceive you. Underneath the tough exterior, Joe King has experienced his fair share of heartache and pain.
King was named Mr Leather UK at the end of 2015 and went on to become Mr Leather Europe 2016. Last month, he competed in the International Mr Leather (IML) competition in Chicago, during which he made a big reveal on social media:
“In 2001, I found myself in a relationship with a man who could only be described as a malevolent bully.”
The man he was with, King writes, was “emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and systematically broke me down over the next five years, to a point where my confidence was at an all-time low.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Related: Pizza, martinis and puppies: the insider’s guide to Chicago’s International Mr. Leather
Over the course of the relationship, King says he was isolated from his friends and had a difficult time coping with the situation he was in.
“I secretly fantasized in my mind about the day I would be free of him,” he says, “but I was so exhausted that I knew I didn’t have the strength to face the fury that he would direct at me.”
In 2006, after five years of near constant abuse, he finally walked away. But his troubles were far from over.
King explains:
He ran up debts in my name, refused to pay his half on our mortgage and got us into arrears and the house got foreclosed, gave my dog away, sold my car and kept all my possessions.
He had me arrested for a fictitious assault, harassed my family and employer and made up horrible rumors about me. In the end the harassment got so bad that the police arrested him and kept him in cells for over two days.
In the end I had lost everything I owned and worked for my whole life.
King says it took eight years for him to fully “unpick his impact on me and to come to terms with what I’d gone through.”
Then in 2015, he tested positive for HIV. He had been exposed to the virus by his ex. He knew this while they were together, but he had been too afraid to get tested after they split up.
“The past hit me like a train,” he recalls. “I would be forced to think about him, inside my body was a permanent reminder of this ‘man’, a living scar.”
“I knew I should’ve been tested,” he continues, “and thank God I only ever played safe, but I was so traumatized by my experience, I couldn’t bear to revisit the past. And now there was no choice, I had to face it.”
King says he found comfort in the leather community.
“The acceptance, love and support I received gave me the strength and the courage to get through,” he says. “I was welcomed with open arms and I met other men who had had similar experiences and fought similar fights.”
“For the first time in 15 years I felt like I belonged … I had found, a community that during all these years I had never known existed.”
Today, King describes his health as “excellent” and his viral load undetectable. And for anyone who may be in an abusive relationship, he has the following piece of advice: “You must always remember you don’t need to live that way. You can find peace an happiness again.”
“You might think you don’t have the strength to escape,” he adds, “but I can tell you from experience, it’s easier than the daily endurance of living with an abuser.”
Related: Mr. International Leather’s Inspiring Speech Will Have You Cheering “Yes, Daddy!”
ChrisK
How would you even know it’s your ex if it’s been 8 years. Was he abstinent during that time?
MommieDammit
Must you always be such a PITA? I’m a long-term survivor of 26 years, and I know exactly who and when. Viral testing even then could very accurately pin-point the time-frame of infection. If you know that, and you know your sexual history, it’s pretty damned easy to figure out who dropped the bomb on you.
ChrisK
If you’d of bothered to read my other comment you’d see I’m actually agreeing with you. Proud to be a PITA btw.
ChrisK
@MommieDammit. You…I know exactly who and when. Me…That probably means he suspected by 2006.
I know crafting another bitchy comment is more your thing or drag persona and that’s cool. Please try some reading comprehension though. You’re not coming off as clever as you think.
ChrisK
That probably means he suspected by 2006 but chose not to get tested out of fear.
Captain proton
That is, in fact, what he says.
MommieDammit
Your 2nd comment came an hour after you’d already annoyed me with your first. “Think before you speak” – I know it’s difficult for children like yourself, Chris, but you really should try it some time. And no, I don’t see your second comment as “agreeing” with me – I see it as a lame, unthinking attempt at CYA. Especially, and as Captain proton already noted, all you did was make a hollow reference to what Joe clearly said in the article. Re-read paragraphs 10-12.
ChrisK
@Captain proton. Yes and thank you. Obviously I missed that part.
MommieDammit
Joe, dear, Mommie’s been there. I know the hell you lived with, and I know what’s ahead of you living with HIV/AIDS. You have my love and support, Che’, and I’m glad you found a support network within the leather community. Best of luck with the competition!
Rex Huskey
PLEASE… welcome to the real world. What does Mr. Leather have to do with this…?
MommieDammit
The Leather, Drag, and Lesbian communities were the “first responders” when the AIDS crisis first struck, and – to date – have been the first line of offence in so many of our fights for survival and civil rights. Just how oblivious of LGBT History are you? Learn something – I suggest starting here – http://www.leatherarchives.org/history.html
Prax07
Isn’t the whole point of leather dudes like abusive sex? Chains, whips, handcuffs, and all that weird crap?
And slightly off topic, but does anyone else think these leather guys look ridiculous? I just can’t get past the leather nazi look.
Donston
I’ve never really gotten the appeal at all. I’ve found plenty of burly, hairy “older” men appealing. But you put leather with it and it just looks like a dated costume.
I suppose just because you may have sadomasochistic sexual instincts and desires doesn’t mean those instincts extend beyond sex, though it does seem to often times.
Heywood Jablowme
LOL. I do hope he’s found a nicer sadist.
As amusing as your comment is, Susan Sontag had a similar (un-funny!) view of sadomasochism and how it got associated with that ridiculous nazi Halloween treat-or-treater look.
Heywood Jablowme
Here’s a famous Sontag quote about that:
“Sadomasochism has always been the furthest reach of the sexual experience: when sex becomes most purely sexual, that is, severed from personhood, from relationships, from love. It should not be surprising that it has become attached to Nazi symbolism in recent years. Never before was the relation of masters and slaves so consciously aestheticized. Sade had to make up his theater of punishment and delight from scratch, improvising the decor and costumes and blasphemous rites. Now there is a master scenario available to everyone. The color is black, the material is leather, the seduction is beauty, the justification is honesty, the aim is ecstasy, the fantasy is death.” (1974)
Donston
I don’t mind a lil’ roughness and role-play sometimes. And I like the movie Secretary.
Based off conversations and things I’ve read through the years it seems this kind of stuff often comes from those who fear intimacy and need sex to be a show, a performance in order to get enjoyment out of it aka basic narcissists. Developing pain, domination and worshiping desires/tendencies and master/slave sexual dynamics also seem to be a way for people to consistently get enjoyment from sex outside of their orientation. And it also seems to frequently develop from non confronted and dealt with past abuse and trauma.
No judgement.
Donston
To get more in depth:
If you’re looking to have persistent sexual encounters with a gender you have no sexual attraction to, very minute attraction, where there’s only attraction to that gender’s face or only attraction to certain body parts on that gender then delusion, fantasy and role-playing are often involved. That frequently develops into sadomasochistic tendencies.
If you have a discomfort with sexual or emotional intimacy sadomasochism, master-slave, domination-worship behaviors can be a way of removing yourself from intimacy during sex.
If you’ve been abused/assaulted/neglected in your youth it’s far more likely that abusing or getting abused will get you off as an adult depending on the state of your ego.
Kangol
First, leather sex is consensual, not just outright abuse. There’s a difference. Your evident discomfort, labeling leathersex and leather people “weird crap,” is someone else’s life and pleasure.
Remember, there are whole populations of people out there who think that gay sexual orientation and desire are “weird crap” and want to punish and kill us for it. Perhaps open your mind a little and respect others’ differences.
Also, no, I don’t think they look “ridiculous.” Some are quite hot. There’s also a whole component to leather that has nothing to do with any “nazi” look, but maybe you can look that up for yourself.
Donston
No one says that it’s not consensual, and I know better than to ever refer to anyone as “weird”. I do get really annoyed when people think homosexuals can’t have an array of opinions on things, including sexuality, because they’re homosexuals. It undermines our diverse opinions, lifestyles and backgrounds.
Fetishes and sadomasochistic tendencies do tend to develop from certain sources and mindsets. I’ve had too many convos and read too much to think to think otherwise. I also forgot to mention an obsession with hyper masculinity be another trigger. However, I do think we need to make the distinction between simply being into leather sex and being a sadomasochist. This guy seems to be about both. And that’s fine.
MommieDammit
No. Leather is about hypermasculinity, celebrating it, and celebrating the male body in ALL forms. Leather and BDSM are two different things, though there is a shit-load of cross-over in costumes. Yes, there are leathermen who are into BDSM, and the porn industry has been the main promulgator of the misconception you appear to be burdened with.
The only “weird crap” I see here is some snotty little twit demeaning an entire subset of LGBT culture because they’re ignorant and want their 2 seconds of notoriety on an infantile comment thread. As far as looking ridiculous is concerned, if I were you I’d worry more about your chasing knockoffs of last year’s skinny jeans than how men look who already know they’re wearing a costume.
Grow up. Go learn and experience the LGBT community outside your precious/precocious/pathetic little bubble. Who knows – you might one day grow up enough to leave your mother’s basement and quit trolling the Intertubes.
Heywood Jablowme
@angol: “there are whole populations of people out there who think that gay sexual orientation and desire are “weird crap” and want to punish and kill us for it.”
Damn, I am SO tried of that offensive and disgusting false-equivalency argument! There are no gay people who are out to “punish and kill” (!!!) guys who are into the leather scene. We just think they’re a little weird, that’s all. (I realize you’re addressing the OP, but I pretty much agree with the “weird crap” part.) We’re not trying to stop their consensual weirdo activities. They can be weird all they want.
And yeah yeah yeah, of course of course of course we realize it’s consensual. But as I said earlier, it’s so hard to find a nice sadist nowadays!
fur_hunter
Joe…..Congratulations, Sexy and Handsome Man! Even though life tossed you lemons, you made lemonade. Keep moving forward and leave all the stupid $H!T behind. You deserve better and I hope you find someone who will care for and love you the way you should be and not treated badly.
sfcarlos65
I’m glad Joe King was able to speak of his experience and move on. I wish him peace.
verbaltopman
Maybe some gay men should learn how to be MEN. You know: adult, self-sufficient, grounded, resourceful MEN. Maybe less time wearing kink drag to compete for sashes, and more time learning to be adults. I’m tired of gay men being delicate flowers straight out of a lame-ass Lifetime movie. If you’re with someone who proves to be a dick, tell him to knock it off — if he doesn’t, then leave. Grow a damned backbone.
girldownunder
Joe King’s ex sounds exactly like they are NPD (narcissistic-personality-disordered).
Everything points to it precisely.
He’s lucky he got away with his mind intact– it’s an awful experience to go through (speaking from experience).
Wish you the best.