dirty diapers

Sen. David Vitter Promises He No Longer Pays For Prostitutes. But, Don’t Worry, He’s Still Antigay!

Screen shot 2015-11-12 at 3.17.22 PMIt’s been a tough election cycle for Louisiana’s antigay gubernatorial candidate and admitted patron of prostitutes Republican Sen. David Vitter. Despite his best efforts, the gay-hating, Chick-fil-A-loving lawmaker can’t seem to escape his very, very, very sordid past.

Funny how that works.

Earlier this election season, Vitter’s camp allegedly threatened to pull $250,000 worth of advertising from a local TV station if it didn’t immediately fire a reporter who asked him if still enjoyed being dressed up in adult diapers and spanked by prostitutes, a charge Vitter admitted to back in 2007.

A few weeks after that, one of Vitter’s alleged former mistresses came forward to say she had given up his love child for adoption in 2000 after the pro-life, “family values” politician urged her to have an abortion.

For the most part, Vitter was able to talk his way out those scandals, usually by pivoting the blame onto others. That all changed, however, late last week when his opponent, Democratic state Rep. John Bel Edwards, released what may very well be one of the most brutal and simultaneously hilarious must-see political ads in history in which he accuses the senator of “choosing prostitutes over patriots”:

Vitter called the ad a low blow, though he didn’t actually deny what it said because, well, he couldn’t. He really did run off with a hooker at the same time he was supposed to be voting for a bill honoring U.S. soldiers. It’s all on record.

Well, this week, Vitter finally responded to that whole paying-women-for-sex thing that’s been plaguing like a bad case of herpes for the past eight years. In a glossy new 30-second TV spot, he tries spinning his sex scandal into a tale of redemption.

“Fifteen years ago, I failed my family,” he begins, “but found forgiveness and love. I learned that our falls don’t define us, but rather how we get up, accept responsibility and earn redemption.”

Then he tries comparing his “mistake” (paying for prostitutes while simultaneously claiming to be a “family guy” and opposing LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, etc.) to the problems of everyday, hardworking, law-abiding Louisianians.

“Now, Louisiana has fallen on hard times: budget crisis, low wages, failing schools,” he continues. “You know me: I’m a fighter. And as your governor, I’ll get up every day to fight for you for a much better, stronger Louisiana.”

Evidently, in Vitter’s eyes, not earning enough at your job to make ends meet or having your child bring home a bad grade from school is tantamount to being caught paying women for sex with a government-funded salary.

The video, which was originally titled “Hard Times” until several commenters pointed out the double entendre and it was changed to “Difficult Times,” was uploaded to Vitter’s official YouTube channel, but it can only be viewed through a direct link and does not appear anywhere on his channel’s main pages.

Vitter is currently losing to Edwards in the polls by 22 points. And with the election still two weeks away, we’re sure there’s going to be a lot more diaper-slinging.

Grab the popcorn.