DOUCHE OF THE WEEK

So Gingrich Called Gay Marriage “Paganism.” How About Adultery, Newt?

Each week, Queerty picks one blowhard, hypocrite, airhead, sanctimonious prick or other enemy of all that is queer to be the Douche of the Week.

Have a nominee for DOTW? Email it to us at [email protected].

It’s nothing new that Newt Gingrich is a hateful little troll. We all knew that back in the Clinton Administration heyday. But his latest shtick, wrapping himself in the cloak of old-timey Christianity has really put him in the cross-hairs of the Douche of the Week nominators.

This week, in a conference call with leaders from the Religious Right, Gingrich said gay marriage, “was a perfect example of what I mean by ‘paganism.'”

It’s pretty simple: marriage is between a man and a woman. This is a historic doctrine driven deep into the Bible, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, and [the attack on it is] a perfect example of what I mean by the rise of paganism. The effort to create alternatives to marriage between a man and a woman are perfectly natural pagan behaviors, but they are a fundamental violation of our civilization.

Thank God it’s not legal to practice paganism in this country. Oh, wait a minute.—it is! So is taking away the right to practice other religions next on the Religious Right’s agenda? (Don’t bother answering.)

At any rate, the pagan meme isn’t all that new for Gingrich: Here’s a clip from 2009, where the Keebler Elf  from Hell says America is “surrounded by paganism.”

Wow, he even cited St. Paul! It’s amazing Newt’s ears didn’t begin to bleed at the mention of the holy saint.

Look, we don’t know as much about paganism as Gingrich seems to. Our dalliance with Wiccanism pretty much began and ended with lighting sage in our room to banish the negative energy of a dill-hole ex-roommate. But we never particularly associated it with same-sex commitment one way or the other.

Y’know what we do think of when we think of old-school Roman paganism? Orgies!

Yep, people fornicating with individuals other than their husbands or wives. Like Newt was doing with Callista before (and after) he asked Wife No. 2 for an open marriage. (Partner-swapping also sounds kinda pagan.)

Gingrich hasn’t denied his ex’s claim that he was an adulterous fornicator, in fact he pretty much says it made him a better man today. (Don’t ask us to explain the “logic” of religious zealots.)

So, by our calculations, Gingrich is really the pagan—and he approves of his pagan ways. Two people trying to make a lifelong commitment is practically Old Testament.

Aw gee, thanks for the compliment, Newt—you stupid douche!

P.S.: An Honorary Mention goes to American Family Association’s Don Wildmon, who was also on the call.

This is an election unlike any ever held in our country. We’re not just voting for a president; we’re voting for the continuation of Western Civilization. If those who are listening think that what we enjoy, the freedoms we enjoy, the right to practice our Christan faith, is merely an accident and is there, it’s not, people paid for it. And we can lose it, and we will lose it, if we lose this next election. What’s at stake is everything that the human race, Western Civilization, has fought for for the last two thousand years.

Wait, practicing Christianity was a right people had to fight for in this country? Gee, we thought it was kinda a mandatory requirement, what with those uptight pilgrims and the Salem people burning witches and all that. Well, you were there, Don. You’d know best.

All together now: What a douche!

Photos: Gage Skidmore, En2008