Good morning, angels.
As if we needed another reminder that we’re aging, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle turns 20 years old this month. Feel old yet?
Even though the 2003 sequel failed to match the success of its predecessor, it’s safe to say that no other early-aughts film franchise did as much for “camp” as Charlie’s Angels.
Yes, the 2019 reboot gave us queer Kristen Stewart. But it’s hard to the beat the over-the-top ridiculousness of director McG’s iteration, which can mostly be defined by illogical CGI explosions, sexuality, and the number of goofy costumes that stars Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu wore.
And who could forget that Destiny’s Child theme song?!
As far as plot lines go, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle cared even less about the logistics and doubled down on the fun.
Basically, our fabulous trio of Townsend Agency super spies are tasked with recovering stolen titanium rings that are encoded with the names of everyone in the Witness Protection Program… which eventually puts them at odds with Madison Lee (Demi Moore), a fellow hot girl and *gasp* a former Angel.
But let’s be real, no one was watching this movie for the plot.
Whether you were thirsting over the menagerie of eye candy (We’re talking about you, Luke Wilson), crushing on the Angels themselves, or living vicariously through their bombastic adventures and flawless wardrobes, Full Throttle was for the gays. And there wasn’t even a queer character!
In honor of its 20th anniversary, scroll through for the 10 gayest moments from Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
1. Drew Barrymore’s entire wardrobe
While Cameron Diaz was the bombshell and Lucy Liu was the badass, Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan Sanders spoke to the wannabe rocker chick in us all. The vintage AC/DC and Judas Priest tees! The senseless berets and dark lipstick! The fact that she wanted to f*ck every man on the screen!
And when she said, “It’s wild that Natalie owns property. The most expensive thing I own are these boots”? A relatable queen.
2. Justin Theroux being shirtless and crazy
Justin Theroux plays Seamus O’Grady, an Irish mob leader fresh out of prison and on a mission to kill everyone who put him there eight years ago… including Dylan Sanders, his ex-girlfriend. “I’ve waited for you 2920 days,” he says during their grand reintroduction. Now, if you factor in leap years, the math doesn’t quite add up… but we’ll give him a pass because while his character is crazy and his Irish accent is so bad… he looks RIPPED.
3. That cameo (and theme song) by P!nk
Every early 2000s movie is only as good as its theme song, and while Full Throttle‘s “Feel Good Time” is no “Independent Women, Pt. 1,” it’s pretty f*cking fun. Not only does P!nk (in her full-on punk-girl era) perform the track, but she also makes a cameo as a bookie at the Coal Bowl motorcycle race, alongside her husband Carey Hart. She may not have scored an Oscar for her three lines (“Rules are, there are no rules,” she smirks), but her low rise jeans were award worthy, in and of themselves.
4. This photo
As legend goes, Drew Barrymore booked “an old school bus with Christmas lights and hanging rubber chickens” to escort the three leading ladies to the Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle New York City premiere… only for it to break down. Being the resourceful super spies that they are, the girls grabbed the champagne and walked the rest of the way. Paparazzis snagged this quintessential photo, and Y2K nostalgia blogs were never the same.
5. Demi Moore’s Oscar-worthy line reading
Demi Moore has never looked hotter than she does playing the surprise villain in Full Throttle. She wields a flamboyant gold gun! She walks around in lingerie while plotting murder! She kicks the Angels off the roof of the Griffith Observatory!
Still, this melodramatic moment after her betrayal is revealed takes the cake. “I was never good, I was great,” she tearfully says, before shooting up the speaker box that hosts Charlie’s incorporeal spirit. The GIRTH of those tears! Is it too late to start our own awards campaign?
6. Lucy Liu doing street luge
With an expansive background in martial arts, it’s no surprise that Lucy Liu delivers some of the best stunts in Charlie’s Angels. This moment, when Alex does street luge down a busy California freeway to spy on a phone call, is pure camp though. Who gave her permission to look this fierce while doing one of the most ridiculous-looking sports known to man?
7. A villain named The Thin Man
Why is Crispin Glover’s character so effeminate, creepy, and constantly smelling hair? How did he not die in the first movie? And for what goddamned reason does Drew Barrymore decide to make out with him right before his death? We may never know, but considering gays love being thin and making out with their straight girlfriends, we’re classifying his character as canonically queer.
8. “You were the c*ck, I was the beaver”
Like its comedy contemporaries, Full Throttle is chock full of not-so-subtle, raunchy one-liners. At her boyfriend’s high school reunion, Natalie (Cameron Diaz) discovers that Pete (Luke Wilson) was the rooster mascot and gifts us with this extremely horny zinger. And as eagle-eyed musical theater gays may notice, Pete graduated from Rydell High School, a seemingly random nod to Grease.
9. Helen Zaas
As the movie reveals, Dylan was recruited to Charlie’s Angels after joining the Witness Protection Program and her real name is none other than Helen Zaas… a homophone for “Helen’s a**.” Of course, Natalie and Alex let her have it with a series of butt-related jokes, in a moment that one could argue is bottom representation at its finest.
10. Carrie Fisher, noted ally, as Mother Superior
While getting recon on the Thin Man, the Angels dress up as nuns (naturally) to speak with Mother Superior, played by the iconic Carrie Fisher. Not only is it hilarious to see the comedy legend portray a staunch and holy figure, but the scene is especially ridiculous considering the location doubling as religious orphanage is actually the Playboy Mansion.
