WATCH: Can’t Say “Penis”? Here’s 51 Church-Friendly Alternatives

Christwire’s Bryan Blake would like to share some Christian friendly synonyms for “penis” so you don’t go around sounding like a filthy liberal. His list is way better than this one, especially since it contains euphemisms such as “DNA Rifle,” “Danish Dizzy Eye” and “Puking Flesh Weasel.” Wow. We normally call ours “Willy Loman.”

Get Queerty Daily

Subscribe to Queerty for a daily dose of #bryanblake #christwire #penis stories and more


  • ponies!!!!!!!!!

    i dunno why but every time he said a different name for a penis, i kept imagining his and by the end of it i decided i wanted him. that is all…

  • Johnson

    i love the ‘Colorado Spitting Viper’ along with its hand/arm gesture.

  • arbiter

    I don’t know why, but these anatomical euphemisms always get me. There are many hilarious ones for lady parts as well. lol

  • Tyson Bowers

    Please don’t rape Mr. Blake with your gay eyes!

  • Earl Gunther Smith Jr.

    @Tyson Bowers: Tyson! I am shocked by this behavior.

  • SD_Dave

    @Tyson Bowers:

    Too late!

  • Tyson Bowers

    @SD_Dave that is just gross!

  • Bryan Blake

    I understand gays can’t control their vile urges, but please leave my behind out of it.

  • Tyson Bowers

    @August Weisz: They scare me August and I’m worried for the safety of Bryan’s sewer hole.

  • Rolando

    Uh. ChristWire.Org is a parody site. The thing is they’re so good at it that people think it’s real. This list is intentionally funny. And good. I’m gonna use Squirt Dart.

Comments are closed.