What on earth do you do when you stumble upon your best girlfriend’s husband’s Grindr profile? That’s what one Boston woman wants to know.
The woman recently wrote into advice columnist Meredith Goldstein at The Boston Globe to share her tale of woe and find out how to navigate the sticky situation.
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“My friend ‘Marissa’ and I have known each other for over 15 years,” the friend writes. “About five years ago, she started dating this guy, ‘Tom.’ I never particularly cared for him. He knows how close Marissa and I are, yet Tom never made any effort to get to know me. I also got the sense he was gay.”
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Eventually, Marissa and Tom were married. And now, it turns out the friend’s gaydar may have been accurate.
“Last night, Marissa’s little sister called me to tell me that one her friends had found Tom on Grindr,” the woman writes. “I don’t know what to do. I know I have to tell Marissa, but how?”
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To complicate matters, the sister is only 16, and the friend now feels she must address the issue so the teenager isn’t left with the task.
“How do I confront him?” she wonders. “Or should I skip confronting him and just bring the evidence to her? If so, how do I do that without having her hate me for this?”
“I’m completely devastated for her,” the friend concludes, “but don’t want to be cruel and force him out of the closet.”
Goldstein’s advice: “Don’t confront Tom. Your relationship is with Marissa, so you have to focus on her.”
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Goldstein goes on to suggest that the friend first tell Marissa about the alleged Grindr account.
“Explain that you’ve had trouble deciding what to do about the information, but that if the tables were turned, you’d want to know,” she advises. “Tell her you’re not making any assumptions or judgments, at least not about her. You just want to be a good friend. You just want to make sure she’s OK.”
Goldstein also warns “she might hate you for being the messenger. She might deny that this is important information, or tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about. If that happens, all you can do is reiterate that you love her.”
“Let her know that she’s your first priority, no matter what. Let her know you’ll follow her lead.”
What do you think? Should the friend tell Marissa her husband may be hooking up with guys on the side (or at least “looking for friends”), or should she keep her mouth shut? Vote in the poll below.
Mark Reimer
#MYOB
Zach Jewell
Also could just be someone using his picture
Chris-Tyler Young
Why was she (a woman) on Grindr (a hookup site for gay men) in the first place?!
Prinny
Yes the wife deserves to know
Rosalynn D'Angela
lol nice fetish, looking at gay porn. lot of women like gay porn …
martinbakman
Hmmmm..Marissa’s sister’s teenage friend finds her husband on Grindr and so the sister takes the info further outside the family to this clueless best friend that already does not like the husband. Best friend writes to the newspaper. Do these people belong on Jerry Springer?
Lee Swinney
mind her own damn business, anyone can put a picture on Grindr
Mike Benevenstanciano
Sounds like this lady was looking for an excuse because someone came between her lesbian attraction to her friend.
Auxifur White Wolf Wolfgram
Surprise! The irony that most homophobic straight men are secretly gay.
Arcamenel
@Chris-Tyler Young: Re-read the article.
Yes she should tell her friend. They should create a fake profile and try to set up a meeting to make sure it’s really him or at least get his number which she’d be able to verify. It could(although very unlikely) be a fake profile.
Kevin Kennedy
Ah! Leave him alone!
rand503
First off, it could be a mistake. I don’t trust any 16 year old on anything, frankly. She should first confront Tom and confirm that it is indeed him. it is a mistake, then put it away. But if it’s true, (or he lies but you can still tell he is lying), then inform him that it is HIS duty to notify his wife about this — for her safety, first and foremost, and because she didn’t agree to adultery with another man as part of the marriage bargain. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t come clean with the wifey, the friend will do it for him.
Raphael
#MYOB²
meghanada
What was this cvn+ doing on Grindr to begin with? What is up with all these women making Grindr profiles – do they want to live vicariously through us?
kofender
Have you considered the wife already knows and is okay with this? (It’s a lot more common than you might think.)
TomOH
Why doesn’t she spend more time checking out how many of her friends husbands who she thinks are straight are on AdultFriendFinder or AshleyMadison? Who’s to say her and her whore ass friends aren’t on those sites themselves?
Travis Goldstrom
Maybe hes bisexual and in the closet, looking for friends to work through his feelings. Not everyone on grindr is a slut.
Myriam Barzelonah
i think she got good advice. to tell her friend but to follow her friend’s lead
it could be a fake account or her friend could indeed know about it and be fine with it.
and i like the idea that read in the other comments to create an account and to try to arrange a meeting to find out if it really is him.
i think an open relationship is a great thing but going behind your partner’s back is not ok for me.
i also would want to know.
TomOH
Something tells me this “friend” is jealous that her former bestie has a man in her life, and she’s no longer her top priority. The extent to which she’s going to point out it wasn’t her that “found” the Grindr profile, but rather her friend’s little sister’s friend found it, sounds more to me like she probably created the damn profile herself out of spite.
david dirdam
The results of the poll show that this website is overrun with women who have no life and thus try to make our sexuality their business, from downloading and using Grindr to outing its users.
Taurmaurils
Or, you know, he could be bi, in an open relationship (or a DADT relationship, or it’s a companionate marriage, or…).
You don’t know what situations others are in, unless you’ve specifically had that conversation with them.
Bisexual-Transwoman
This sounds made up.
@Taurmaurils: Very true.
Evji108
Stay out of their life. If this woman figured her friend’s husband was gay when she met him, then chances are the friend also has a good idea he is gay, but either does not really want to know, or is pretending not to know, or they both know and he is allowed a bit of action on the side. Lives are fragile and getting in there and giving second hand information about a Grindr account to her friend could just create a huge mess for everyone involved and destroy their friendship as well. Better to just keep her mouth shut, I’m sure she has her own issues to deal with.
Desert Boy
Why are all these straight women on Grindr?
Nick Guida
What she panicing for?
M J Martinez Crogan
Bet he’s Christian & a repubtard
Realitycheck
@Chris-Tyler Young: Good question….
nocibur61739
Nobody knows if these two people are in an open relationship or not. Maybe they have a mutual agreement to date outside of their marriage. Me and my partner do as long as we do not “share” nor infect the other with any STD’s. I think that people need to focus more on their OWN lives than trying to interject their morals, values and standards into OTHERS lives. I.E. Kimmy!If someone cares about another persons life, they would be disingenuous to confront(such a strong word) or spread something about another they know nothing about. The person instigating the conversation must have ALL of the FACTS before accosting another.
Nathaniel McManus
…and he’s a bottom who is fantasizing about what his wife feels
Larry Scott
Too sad and too bad so many people voted to tell the woman about her husband’s alleged Grindr profile. It’s none of her business. That’s between the woman and her husband and she should BUTT OUT.
bottom250
Honey leave the man alone and send him my way.
Brian
If he is on Grindr due to desire, he has every right to be there. So long as he knows to draw the line at desire, I don’t have a problem with it. I wouldn’t want him physically cheating on his wife. I wouldn’t want his wife to physically cheat on him, either.
There is nothing wrong with a man who expresses desire. It shows he has blood coursing through his veins. It proves he has a pulse. Marriage to a woman curtails men’s sexual freedom in the physical sense. Do we want it to curtail their spiritual senses too? I think not.
And think of it this way: he may simply be on Grindr for dirty talk.
Xzamilio
@Brian: Ain’t nobody “talking” on Grindr… and that BS about “curtailing their spiritual senses” sounds like some Deepak Chopra-esque nonsense that not even you can really believe. Marriage to women… hell, how about marriage, period?? How about don’t get married to a woman if you’re gonna be bobbin’ for Adams on a gay app?
Brian
Xzamilio,
There is nothing wrong with a married man sexually desiring others so long as his desire remains desire.
If he is married to a woman and desires other women or men, that is his right. Nobody has the right to curtail what you think or feel in your desires.
If that desire leads to Grindr, he is not cheating on his wife so long as he leaves it at dirty talk or other types of fantasy reproduction.
Women have always understood that men have desires. That is why they are able to manipulate men into doing as told – she promises to satisfy his desire in return for his obedience.
Thus, desires don’t stop for men when they get married. They last throughout his life just as his sperm production lasts throughout his life.
Joshua
@nocibur61739: share?
Lvng1Tor
Get The F out of other peoples private lives…if anyone, confront the husband and say…it might be a fake profile and someone may be using his pic…if he is cheating he will stop or maybe he and his wife are swingers she likes to watch him get gang f’d…in any case its their life not hers.
Faye Denton
Obviously, she needs to tell her friend. What her friend does is up to her friend. She just needs to be there to support her friend.
Jerry Mitchell
Why is a women on Grindr?
david dirdam
@Desert Boy: It’s not just straight women. I’ve lost the count of lezzies think they belong in Grindr with their fake torso profiles, wasting the time of gay men with their trolling, but who feel oppressed by patriarchy because straight men try to pass as women on the internet to get their boob pictures.
Brian
@david dirdam: Women are jealous of male sexuality. They are jealous of its power and constancy. Keep in mind that men’s desire never wanes, as is evident in the fact they keep producing sperm until they die of old age. Women have no such power.
Mark Pointon
What the hell is she doing on Grindr in the first place?
SpunkyBunks
That “friend” sounds like a total bitch to me. Since Tom has never shown any interest in her, obviously something must be wrong with him. Right? That’s Marissa’s man, what the hell is the “friend” trying to attract him for?!!
Since he’s obviously intelligent and doesn’t care for his wife’s friend, I wouldn’t doubt it if his picture was planted on Grindr to cause some drama to get back at him. Women can be evil like that. She’s probably feeling guilty about it but wants some justification to carry out her stupid plan.
DannX68
Wow, a lot of misogyny in these comments…
Alan Sandine
Why is she on Grindr??
Dann Mitton
Nobody has considered the possiblity that ‘Marrissa’ KNOWS that ‘Tom’ is gay and that they do love each other but that they’ve negotiated the consent for him (and/or her) to step out? MYOP for real. This may be perfectly ok for them, and part of their agreement to grow old together. It may also be part of their lives they’re not ready to share with the outside world. Pause for thought.
BigG
Considering the fact that he may be putting her in danger of std and hiv, yes she should tell her. That’s what a good friend should do. Love can make you blind, she may be in denial. If she ends up hating her, then she doesn’t deserve her friendship. A TRUE friend will tell you the truth. A bad friend stays in silence.
Don Hanover
really? did her friend discover that she’s on grindr, too?
rikard
why does anyone assume 1) the wife doesn’t know, 2) the teenager is truthful, 3) the profile is him, 4) that he is taking the next step and hooking up, 5) that he is careless about STDs, etc, etc, etc
Wooly
She should mind her own business. The man needs something he is not getting at home. Some people think marriage is an euphemism for ownership of another’s body.
Captain Obvious
Sounds very made up and if for some reason it was true then this bitch has no life.
Brian
@BigG: How is he putting her in danger of STD’s if he doesn’t have STD’s in the first place? In any case, how do you know that the wife is not putting him at risk of STD’s? Don’t assume that all women are pure and STD-free.
BigG
@Brian: by being a cheating hoe ?