In a new Reddit thread titled My boyfriend [20/m] had gay sex while we were broken up, what do I [19/f] do?, a young women contemplates the future of her relationship.
“My boyfriend and I were together 2 years and we broke up for 4 months,” the post begins. “I was depressed, because I wanted to make it work. I was in love with him, and was absolutely heartbroken.”
We’re sure she was.
Related: Bisexual Men Make The Absolute Best Lovers, Study Confirms
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“After we broke up,” she continues, “he hooked up with a guy. He said he wanted to try it but didn’t like it. I never got the courage to ask how far the relationship went, as I was never ready to hear the answer.”
Until now.
“Today,” she says, “I finally asked him. He told me that he had sex with a guy and he was the one giving.”
(We assume she means he was the top. Bless her 19-year-old heart for not knowing the correct terminology.)
“This made me sick to my stomach,” she continues. “I started to cry. It makes me sick to think my boyfriend didn’t wear a condom. Should I ask him if he wore a condom? He showed me that he’s been tested and it came back negative.”
(OK, if the test came back negative, then the whole condom question seems moot at this point. But we digress.)
Related: At What Point Does A Person Stop Being “Bi-curious” And Just Become Bisexual?
Apparently, the young woman says, the whole thing just makes her “so sick.” To make matters worse, the guy her boyfriend hooked up with had been trying to seduce him “for the longest time.”
“The guy is rude to me,” she says, “and he said ‘your boyfriend must not have loved you to much because he f***** me while you were broken up.'”
“What should I do?” she wonders. “What should I say to him? All I can picture is them doing stuff. How can I have sex with him again?”
Unfortunately for the young woman, her fellow Reddit users aren’t terribly sympathetic to her plight.
“You were broken up,” one person writes. “You don’t really have standing to be upset about something he did when he was not dating you.”
“So he had sex with someone else while you were broken up,” another person says. “It must’ve occurred to you that that was a possibility.”
“You can accept it or not, that’s up to you,” a third person writes. “But don’t hold his honesty, or his actions while single, against him. If the fact that he had sex when you weren’t together is too much for you to handle, let him go.”
Oh, but the responses don’t stop there.
Related: Is It Time To Start Being Nicer To Bisexuals?
“Stop thinking about it,” someone suggests. “If you can’t do that, break up. That’s just common sense.”
“Break up and find someone else,” another person says.
“As someone who’s bisexual, your distaste for him having sex with a guy is kind of homophobic,” someone else writes. “He had sex with someone else. You were broken up.”
What advice would you give this young woman? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Josh447
Her emotional state could also reflect the fact that he broke up with her in the first place, which the article doesn’t state. Without that missing puzzle piece, there isn’t a full picture with which to comment.
CWM85
Her ego is hurt…
Me2
She’s lucky that he was honest enough to tell her. She’s only 19, they aren’t married and have no kids together. So if his escapade makes her this uncomfortable, then break up with him and be glad that you can make such a clean break. I’m sure the millions of other women who’ve discovered that their husbands are bi/gay would have loved to have had the option of knowing who their spouses really were before they had the wedding and the kids.
Kieran
“….your distaste for him having sex with a guy is kind of homophobic.” Kind of? How about definitely.
If she had said the thought of her boyfriend having sex with an African-American girl made her “sick to her stomach” there would be no hesitation to universally denounce her racism. But we’ve all been conditioned to take casual, every day homophobia in our stride.
Steve318
There’s no question about it. She is just homophobic.
davidjohng
@Kieran….”we’ve all been conditioned to take casual, every day homophobia in our stride?” An excellent, very important point! If a belief (there’s something wrong with us or who we are) has been normalized in the culture it’s up to us to become aware of it and confront it. It’s part of freeing ourselves and healing so much of the negativity in the gay community that is projected out on the community.
Liam
“‘What should I do?’ she wonders. ‘What should I say to him? All I can picture is them doing stuff. How can I have sex with him again?'”
Stay broken up. Obviously you are homophobic, so you need to move on. If you stay with him or worse, marry him, all you’ll do is spend time making him and yourself miserable. And you’d drive him to divorce you after the thousandth time you bring up his sex with a guy.
Billy Budd
She should have been PROUD that her boyfriend is bisexual and can find beauty in both sexes. That means he is a superior being.
Aromaeus
@Kieran: Are you a person of color? I’m guessing not because you’d understand that we deal with r@cial micro-aggressions EVERY SINGLE DAY and often when we try to call them out were made to be the ones making a big deal or being r@cist. Why is it some of you insist on competing on which oppressed minorities have it worse. My people are being shot like animals and their killers walking away free and because of Trumps rise more race-based hate crimes have been occuring. Also your comment disregards the fact that some of us are both minorities AND gay so we deal with casual homophobia AND r@cism.
Aromaeus
Also I love how everyone is conveniently overlooking the fact that apparently this wasn’t some random guy but someone who was after her boyfriend while they were together. It’s a little suspect that during their break he gives in to someone who apparently has been after him for a while. On that alone she should break up with him because I’m pretty sure he’s lying about not liking it.
Jack Meoff
Sounds like he would be dodging a bullet if she dumped him for good. Who needs that kind of insecurity in their life.
trell
The original reddit commenters have got it just right. The issue about the guy having sex with another guy is just a bolt-on twist to a fairly straight-forward common problem. It doesn’t matter if he had sex with another guy, another girl or a transexual. He had sex with someone else. That’s about it.
I’d like to ask if she would be as distraught if her ex told her he had sex with another girl. Would she be picturing the two of them, possibly doing the nasty, without a condom, and getting so distraught, or would she eventually get over it?
The letter seems to focus on the issue that he had sex with a dude (or maybe that’s just the Queerty reporter’s annoying spin, which is not really needed). So yes, as presented, she does come across as homophobic.
pscheck2
I would not go that far to call her homophobic.It is more a blow to her feminine mystic than anything else.Most women, when confronted with a lover who has sex with a male, feels demeaned, thus making her lacking the sexual appeal to keep him in her ‘corner.’
Chris
Move on. And hope that, by the time you’ve decided what he did wasn’t that big a deal because other guys do stuff that’s way more douchy, he’s not moved on himself.
Brian
Male homosexual desire dis-empowers women if it presents itself in a relationship between a woman and a man. It destroys female privilege. It wrecks girl power.
Anti- male homosexual laws partly reflect this fear that women have of male homosexual desire.
Anti-homosexual laws were (and are) mostly designed against men. There are currently 40 countries that allow female homosexuality but not male. Shocking, isn’t it?
Brian
@Kieran: There is a big difference between having sex with somebody of a different race and having sex with somebody of the same sex. Maybe this guy was just experimenting, maybe he’s bisexual, maybe he’s gay and opening up to her was his first peek out of the closet. But most women’s reaction to her boyfriend having sex with another man is going to be completely different than her reaction to his having sex with a woman of another race. You can’t equate the two, and it doesn’t make it homophobia. It would be jarring for anybody to discover that their partner might not be the person they thought they were, sexual preference wise.
Billy Budd
Gay guys are a bit more accepting of bisexuality than women, especially if the “straight” thing is a thing of the past. If my boyfriend told me that he had lots of sex with women in the past I would find it totally normal. Also, if we broke up and he had sex with a girl, that would not be the reason preventing me from becoming his boyfriend again.
Brian
@Brian: I doubt that the woman would be upset if her boyfriend had had sex with a woman (black, brindle or otherwise) while they were broken up. It seems that she is specifically upset that he had sex with a man. Shock, horror… a man.
Women find it threatening if a man can turn from women to men (and back again). This is one of the reasons why male bisexuality is not encouraged or glamorized in Western societies like the USA.
On the other hand, female bisexuality is glamorized and promoted by the liberal set in the entertainment industry in countries like the USA. From porn to music, female bisexuality – even when it is COMPLETELY FAKE – is promoted. Male bisexuality gets the shaft, female bisexuality is “hot”, even it’s fake.
The bisexual double standard is liberalism’s great intellectual flaw and one of the reasons why liberalism is a dying brand.
ppp111
@Brian:
I always find your thoughts and replies interesting. I don’t agree with all of them but a few are more true than not. However, in all fairness, I don’t think you can blame the homophobia that bisexual men face entirely on women. Heterosexual men are big consumers of lesbian and bisexual erotica and are in charge of what’s promoted as popular in the mainstream culture. As for this woman, I believe she’d feel the same way even if her boyfriend slept with another woman, regardless of her race. On a side note, I remember watching an episode of Oprah about women finding out their husbands were gay. Many of the guests felt the same way this woman is feeling. But one guest made a very interesting observation. She said that the reason women are more upset and distraught when an affair involves a man is because women generally see each other as competitors but as competitors who have the same equipment. ‘She doesn’t have anything I don’t have’ is the sentiment. But when the other person is a man, the general thought that goes through their head is how can I compete with that? I’m sorry to say I can see their point. That’s my thoughts anyway.
Billy Budd
@ppp111: This “I couldn’t compete” line is taken directly from the 1992 movie “Basic Instinct”, with Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas. Same situation. The husband betrayed Stone with a Man.
DCguy
@Billy Budd:
Actually he didn’t say that African-American people don’t deal with bigotry. He said that IF she stated that the idea of him being with a black girl made her sick, the commenters would have gone after her and not been trying to excuse the sentiment as they were. YOU are the one trying to make this competati8by misrepresenting what was said.
DCguy
@DCguy:
That reply was directed at Aromeus, not you Bull Bud.
Sluggo2007
They were broken up and he was free to do as he pleased. She needs to get over herself. It seems everything is about her.
Brian
@Sluggo2007: It is not possible for a woman to get over it. Her entire notion of girl-power is based on being able to keep the male gender totally dependent on women for sexual pleasure. If a man demonstrates – or has previously demonstrated – a desire for another man, it destroys the girl-power belief that women have in their own gender.
I’m not saying that all women reject husbands or boyfriends with homosexual desires. I’m saying that it’s the rule.
Brian
@ppp111: I agree with the competitive point your raise. Yes, it’s true that women find it difficult to compete with a man for another man’s sexual love, whether in the giving of love or the receiving of love. She does not have what he has. However, the same can be said for men not having what a woman has.
The main reason she feels competitively dis-empowered is because she, as a woman, does not have the same strength or constancy in her sex drive that a man has. Thus, she is competing against the sexually superior male.
Here’s a very important point about women in sexual relationships with men: most of the time they are faking it. Yep, faking it. Men NEVER fake it, and that’s because they can’t.
Brian
@ppp111: By the way, it was not correct of anybody on the Oprah show to say that the wives discovered their husbands were gay. Their husbands can swing both ways. That is totally different from identifying as gay or “being gay”.
The reason women refer to men who have any – even 1% – sexual interest in men as “gay” is because it helps to separate him from her life and from her sense of belief in her own gender’s “girl power”. It’s a form of rationalization designed to uphold the notion that women are all-powerful beings who must never be threatened by the power of male homosexual desire.
ErikO
This story sounds made up just like a lot of the stuff posted on reddit.
Atomicrob
This fantasy of fidelity forever is immature. Life happens. The fact his having sex with a man “made her sick to her stomach” is heterocentric, homophobic and sexist. She sounds like a fool.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Is it me or does the lady in the picture looks suspiciously a lot like Katie Homes?
So if we are talking about Tom Cruise then heifer definitely likes d*ck.