bad intel

5 Reasons Why the Saddam Hussein Gay Kiddie Porn Sex Tape Never Happened

So apparently one of the CIA’s big plans for turning Iraq against Saddam was to create a fake sex tape of him sodomizing a teenage boy. A former agency officer called the idea “patently ridiculous” adding that the people who came up with the idea “didn’t understand the cultural nuances of the region” — namely that Iraqis wouldn’t care — so instead we just bombed the hell out of the place. But the truth of the matter is that according to the officer we just didn’t have enough money and smarts to carry out the project (because y’know sex tapes have such high production value). We probably could have saved the CIA by asking five crucial questions that would have exposed the flawed thinking behind their cockamamey idea before they spent the dollars and manhours.

Wait, the CIA makes porn?

Who knew our tax dollars funded amateur kiddie porn? Of course, this is the organization that once spiked the baguettes of an entire French village with LSD, so nothing should surprise us. But considering creating a Saddam sex tape also seems incredibly homophobic (and offensive to NAMBLA members), especially since it conflates pedophilia and gay sex in the Catholic way. One commenter said “if violent religious zealots can be undermined by taking advantage of their own bigoted, throwback beliefs, then I think it should be done.” But remember, Iraq already has anti-gay death squads killing homos on the streets. The CIA’s plot would’ve made matters worse.

Who would have played Saddam?

Israeli actor Yigal Naor played Saddam Hussein in the BBC and HBO’s docudrama House of Saddam, but who would the CIA have gotten to play Saddam in real life? It couldn’t have been a recognizable actor or even a very attractive one since the real-life Saddam was kinda old and paunchy—they would have needed a guy with believable stretch marks and cellulite to plow some boyhole. Of course, one of the former CIA officials said that the sex tape “would look like it was taken by a hidden camera, very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping,” so finding an exact body double might not have been an issue. The bigger issue might have been who to get to play the teenage victim. It’s detestable to think that for the sake of authenticity, the CIA might have sexually exploited an underage child from the streets of Iraq (maybe an Iraqi Bacha Bazi?), making him a target long after their dumb plot failed. But we hear Dakota Fanning is still up for this sort of thing.

Would anyone in the Middle East have believed the tape to be real? Or even cared?

Saddam Hussein rose to power by imprisoning, torturing, and murdering thousands of his own countrymen. He used chemical weapons against the Kurdish people living in Northern Iraq, murdering about 5,000 of them and subjecting the others to blindness, vomiting, blisters, convulsions, and asphyxiation. He also bulldozed the villages of Shiites who dared rise up against him. So the CIA thought some kiddie porn tape was gonna be what finally turned Iraqis against their despotic ruler? Puh-leaze.

Didn’t the U.S. make its own sex tapes of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib?

Some of our proud soldiers basically turned the prison into an gay S&M porn studio by tying men up in their underwear, having them simulate gay sex acts together, and forcing them to masturbate in front of one another. What could have been a hot setup for a Raging Stallions DVD ended up being used to torture men by violating their Islamic beliefs. I know the CIA couldn’t give a fuck about gay people or gay soldiers, but using same-sex sex (albeit pedophilic) as a way to humiliate a political leader only further highlights the homophobic Western military culture that breeds such attitudes. Remember: Once our gay antics at Abu Ghraib came to light, it only made the rest of the world really pissed off at us acting like homophobic fratboys.

Aren’t sex tapes uniquely American?

Just thinking about Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Dustin Lance Black, Eric Dane, Tanya Harding, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian (to name a few) reminds us that — with the exception of British flake Peaches Geldof — sex tapes really are an American phenomenon. Or at least a Western one. And while celebrity sex tapes have of course surfaced in Asia and other parts of the world, this is Saddam Hussein, not Carrie Prejean. The idea that a sex tape would somehow scandalize and take down an already hated leader seems hopelessly American.

Don't forget to share:

Help make sure LGBTQ+ stories are being told...

We can't rely on mainstream media to tell our stories. That's why we don't lock Queerty articles behind a paywall. Will you support our mission with a contribution today?

Cancel anytime · Proudly LGBTQ+ owned and operated