In case you don’t know, or most likely don’t care, what transpired between the two gentleman, here’s a quick refresher course. Nick Gruber, Calvin Klein’s ex-kept boy and a former gay porn actor — star is perhaps being too generous — attended Fire Island’s Ascension Party over the weekend where he felt the need to loudly proclaim his heterosexuality and act, in general, like a giant tool. That is when Michael Lucas, current gay porn auteur and activist, had the 22-year-old human dumpster removed from the premises.
Nick, being a good boy from a good family, or at least having a halfway decent publicist, sent an apology to Michael:
Dear Michael Lucas:
I am sorry that we had a misunderstanding this past weekend at Fire Island. I did not really understand how a big party like that worked, and when I was asked to leave your part of the party, I definitely overreacted. Please accept my apologies.
I came with my friends Hal Rubenstein and his partner David Nichol, who work on the charity arm of the party (Fund In The Sun), but I didn’t understand that people had paid for separate areas. Their fund has donated $750,000 to charities and is an important not-for-profit so I think it’s great that you supported them by buying a private area of your own. I hope I didn’t spoil anyone’s day. It was a fun and unique party and I was glad to be there.
I hope next time we meet we can have a coffee and I can apologize in person.
Way to go sneaking in that dollar amount, girlfriend. Color someone impressed. Not Michael Lucas, but someone. Michael, for his part, took Nick’s apology in stride, but informed the young man that he kind of missed the entire point of this Lucas Lesson:
Thank you for your apology. However, I fear that you have misunderstood why I was offended . The problem was not that you had mistakenly come to the wrong area of the party (and it doesn’t matter to me at all who you came with or how much they donated). Many people knew just as little as you did about how the party was set up, but somehow no one else got into a big argument about it.
The problem was that your behavior was boorish and loudly homophobic. Screaming that you are straight and that you don’t want gay men to touch you would be unacceptable in any social situation, much less a crowded gay party. If you are so defensively straight that you truly can’t bear the idea of gay people touching you, then maybe a crowded gay party might not be the best place for you. Please feel free to write “I am straight” on your forehead and stay home. No one will bother you there, and you won’t bother anyone back.
Well, Mike’s certainly got a point. A gay party, rather, THE gay party is no place to exercise one’s repressed homosexuality-cum-homophobia. That’s what church and football games are for. No word yet on what Gruber’s (read: his publicist’s) response to any of this will be, but let’s all just remember what matters most here. Nick Gruber is as straight as an arrow. You know, one of those gag arrows that you can wear as a hat that, much like Gruber’s sexuality, no one actually buys.