American soldier Christopher Mastromarino may find his army career coming to an end. As we reported earlier this month, a court martial found Mastromarino guilty of assault. Those charges, Mastromarino claims, were fabricated because his army colleagues concluded he's a queer.

In an effort to curb the conviction, which would effectively destroy Mastromarino's plans of serving his country indefinitely, Servicemembers Legal Defense Network sent a plea to Mastromarino's superiors. And, as can be expected, those honchos weren't having it.

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Finally, the Onion News Network gets a straight answer on why the government prohibits gays from serving in the military:

Under no circumstances can we put America's homosexuals in danger… Gays of America are the only group left untouched by war. They're special, pure and rare, like a gleaming diamond… It has been the solemn oath of every man in uniform to lay down his life in defense of America's precious, precious homosexuals.

Also learned: one gay life's worth seven straight soldiers. We estimated eight, but we were pretty close. That counts for something, right?

Governor Bill Richardson knows he made a bad move at last night's "gay debates," when he intimated that being gay is, in fact, a choice: a tired argument conservatives use against gay rights. If gays "choose" their "lifestyle," then they don't deserve "special" rights. Not the implication you want to make at a forum on gay rights.

Within minutes, the presidential hopeful had his team release a statement clarifying his position.

What a perfect conversation starter for Richardson and our editor, who met up with Richardson this morning. Get the goods on Richardson's poor choice of words, what to do about anti-gay Saudis and who's going to hell, after the jump…

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Don't Ask, Don't Tell ranks as one of the most "absurd" American policies, says Representative Gary Ackerman. The New York-based Democrat, highlights the costly side effects of the government's ill-conceived edict.

Since President Bill Clinton signed Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 1993, which prohibits open homos from serving in the military, more than 11,000 service folk have been sacked simply for their sexuality. Gays may not be able to fight alongside their straight peers, but they can still serve their country. And the country pays the price:

[Booted soldiers] can and often do continue to serve our country as civilian government employees or through government contractors.

How do they qualify to get these jobs, which require high-level security clearances and often pay double the wages received by those in uniform? It's thanks to the extensive background check and costly training provided by the taxpayer. We get to pay for the security clearance process, pay for the specialized training and then buy - at a 100 percent markup - the services of the very same people who were fired.

Ackerman, who has made it his mission to take on Condi Rice and other anti-gay, hawkish cronies, goes on to urge his fellow Congressional leaders to grab Don't Ask by the balls and squeeze.

• Wackjob conservatives ruminate on AIDS. Example:

It is known that a laboratory of CIA developed a HIV-virus in order to wipe out Persian population. Due to the usual knowledge in geography, the officers of CIA landed in Central Africa and injected the virus in Bono-apes, gorillas and chimpanzees, well knowing that some gays there would have sex with them.

Actually, maybe it's not that wacky: our last lover turned out to be a real monkey.

• Is Don't Ask, Don't Tell melting?

• Ari Gold has a new single: a cover of Human League's "human. And Arjan Writes has got the goods.

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While Don't Ask, Don't Tell can be used against gay soldiers, it can also be used to protect them. If a gay soldier doesn't tell, no one should ask. Unfortunately, it seems the military may not always follow its own rules when it comes to known or suspected gay military men.

A court martial found PFC Christopher Mastromarino guilty of assault last month, but Mastromarino claims supervisors targeted him because they think he's gay.

…The Maryland native told PageOneQ during a recent interview that he is innocent of the charges. And that the prosecution's case was filled with conflicting testimony, here-say [sic] and rumors, and a questionable timeline.

In addition, according to sworn testimony during the trial, two prosecution witnesses said that they did not consider the physical contact between themselves and Mastromarino to be an assault, although the command chose to bring those charges forward against him.

Mastromarino claims the verbal and emotional abuse started almost as soon as he enrolled. His superiors were gunning for him from day one.

Joint Chiefs nominee Admiral Michael Mullen faced a Senatorial grilling yesterday.

In addition to addressing Iraq - which he says has greatly depleted America's military - Mullen also indicated that he's open to abolishing Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

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If only America hadn't revolted against British rule. One month after apologizing for sacking gay soldiers, the Ministry of Defense has settled on a settlement valued at more than £3m.

The MoD lifted its gay ban back in 2000, but has struggled with how to address the injustice. Rather than admitted any illegality, the ministry has opted to play the privacy game, says Pink News UK:

The MoD said that compensation for around 60 former service personnel was being paid because their privacy had been breached, and not because the Armed Forces had acted illegally in dismissing them.

They say "tomato," we say "about bloody time".

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No body asked and he certainly didn't tell, but an American soldier will be discharged for appearing on patriotic porn site, activeduty.com. And, no, it's not Matt Sanchez.

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It's rare to read a homophobe's take on Catholic sexual abuse without finding a correlation between homosexuality and pedophilia. By some miracle, however, the Hoover Institute's Dinesh D'Souza not only avoids the erroneous comparison, he refutes it!

He only does so, however, to further demonize the ever-predatory, sexually combustible and downright dirty gays:

In the vast majority of [abuse] cases we aren't dealing with pedophilia–an extremely rare disorder that is no more prevalent in the Catholic church than it is elsewhere in society–but rather with homosexual priests taking advantage of their authority to seduce teenage parishoners and altar boys.

Today's New York Times features a a weeping woman named Esther Miller, who considered suicide after being abused by a trusted holy man. We wouldn't expect D'Souza to acknowledge the female victims, however - that would only poke holes in his unholy argument.

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Talk about timing! Hours before the official anniversary of the Stonewall Rebellion, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has announced the formation of a lavender-tinged steering committee: LGBT Americans for Hillary.

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Congress ain't fucking around with Condoleezza Rice. House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Tom Lantos of California and New York Rep. Gary Ackerman, both of whom happen to be Democrats, railed against The Pentagon for booting gay translators.

Citing the 9/11 Commission's warning - "under-investment in critical foreign languages presents an urgent and immediate threat to our national security" - the politicos urged Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her staffers to rehire gays and lesbian translators…

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The Pentagon may be changing their tune on Don't Ask, Don't Tell. The Defense Department's Cynthia O. Smith released a statement saying that though they've been booted from the service, gay patriots can still help defend the nation.

[Gays and lesbians] have the opportunity to continue to serve their nation and national security by putting their abilities to use by way of civilian employment with other Federal agencies, the Department of Defense, or in the private sector, such as with a government contractor.

Gay defender defenders Servicemembers Legal Defense Network points out that this statement's the first time The Department of Defense has invited queers to help fight America's so-called good fight.

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The Pentagon remains firm in implementing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', the discriminatory anti-gay policy put forth by President Bill Clinton. The Advocate, however, found that the army isn't asking, even if their soldiers are telling.

We've all heard of Jason Knight, the Seaman discharged for being gay only to be reenlisted twice before being booted again. Now a 20-year old lesbian named Karissa Urmanita's come forward to fight the good, gay fight.

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Staunch republican and former Congressman Bob Barr penned a letter in today's Wall Street Journal calling for our government to repeal everyone's favorite discriminatory policy, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

In addition to highlighting the policy's money wasting, talent trashing aspects, Georgia-born Barr - who admits he's not the biggest gay activist this side of the political divide - takes some time to dig into his political peers, particularly the presidential candidates:

Last week's forum of 10 Republican presidential hopefuls offered the country some troubling insight into the thinking of leading GOP candidates. In particular, the five who responded to questions about the Clinton-era "don't ask, don't tell" policy governing military service by gays and lesbians showed a disturbing move away from conservative principles, in favor of what smells strongly of political expediency or timidity.
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Republican presidential candidates left me — and I suspect many others — questioning whether those candidates really even understood the issue, or were simply pandering to the perceived "conservative base." The fact is, equal treatment of gay and lesbian service members is about as conservative a position as one cares to articulate.

Barr goes on to explain what good conservatives know - Don't Ask, Don't Tell's a disgusting invasion of privacy. If the GOP wants to keep the government out of people's personal lives, they should abandon the policy all together.

Don't you hate when conservatives make sense?