After listening to Maggie Gallagher’s ridiculous arguments as to why gay marriage will lead to a godless world where parents will be forced to send their children off to gay concentration camps and where it rains all the time, you can’t help asking, “Is this the best you have?” I mean, come on, what fun is it arguing with an opponent whose arguments against you are outright lies? In fact, we sort of think engaging with a screaming shrill harpy is, how do we say this, ‘beneath us?’ To paraphrase former First Lady Barbara Bush, why would we want to waste our beautiful minds on someone like Maggie Gallagher?
To make the fight a bit more interesting, we’re throwing the bigots a bone. Want a reason to be against gay marriage? We’ve got ten.
10. Think of the antique dealers. First of all, you must know by now that gays love antiquing. We saw it in a movie once and thus, it must be true. If gays and lesbians get married, chances are they’re going to have more kids and have you ever put a 19th Century Shaker chest in the same room as a toddler with crayons before? With our disposable income being wasted on disposable diapers, gays will have less time to go to cute rural towns and waste their money buying old junk. The economy just can’t handle a blow like that right now.
9. What will become of Laurel Toby?! The Mediabistro founder is a one-woman impersonation of Sex & The City and without a cavalcade of amusing gays at her side to go out to Balthazar, what the hell is she going to do with her time? We can not leave our nation’s fag hags and fruit flies high and dry.
8. Don’t the gays realize that if they all get married there won’t be anyone left to actually plan all these weddings? As you know, most gays, when not listening to ABBA are busy building flower arrangements or dying fabric for Vera Wang. Gay marriage would be like giving all the nation’s waiters free dinner coupons. It just doesn’t add up!
7. Normalizing gay rights would put thousands of people out of work. Ex-gay ministers, The American Family Council, heck, in time maybe even Rush Limbaugh. Why do gay people want to put Americans out of business? Have they no shame?
6. We need to protect our nation’s outspoken political celebrities. Normalizing gay marriage would rob them a Very Important Issue. What are they supposed to talk about at the awards podium, then?
5. Every time a state legalizes gay marriage, it gets a multi-million dollar boost to its economy, but if we let gay marriage be legal everywhere, that benefit will get spread out over all 50 states. The states that allowed gay marriage early on, will have built an economy on gay marriage that’s unsustainable and once the “gay marriage bubble” bursts, the fed will have to step in and help prop up the states who have transformed their economy selling “his & his” wedding cakes.
4. With apologies to Jonathan Swift, legalizing gay marriage would only exacerbate the population problem. Currently gays and lesbians, stigmatized as deviants by people like Maggie, are routinely beaten and killed, or if they’re lonely teenagers, they just off themselves all on their own. So long as we keep institutionalizing discrimination we can count on gays and lesbians dying, thereby keeping the population from swelling.
3. Perhaps more than anyone else affected, a nation with gay marriage would be disastrous to our imperiled lawyer class. So long as we keep the laws contradictory, arbitrary and different from state to state, we can keep the courts busy with lawsuits and counter lawsuits for decades. We need to keep the law confusing, for the lawyers.
2. Think of the message legalized gay marriage would send to the rest of the world. It would say, “Hey, look! America believes in equal rights for all people in the public sphere, even when they disagree privately.” What kind of example would that be? What if the whole world were to celebrate diversity of opinion and belief and protect equal rights and liberties? CNN is already boring enough as it is!
1. Finally, if gay marriage were legal, what excuse would Maggie Gallagher have for still being a lonely, hate-filled woman? Oh, who are we kidding? Some folks are just born that way and even though we can’t stand you, we’ll let you keep on demonstrating what a terrible person you really are. It’s the American way.