survival guides

11 Ways To Tell If You’re Dating a Douchebag

A troubling phenomenon is sweeping the nation, and it took Details magazine to point it out: Parents might be — horror! — raising douchebags. Yes, sweet little five-year-old Zachery Marx and seven-year-old Kadisha Trixie are out of control brats, whose main concerns do not include staying up past their bedtimes (because they don’t have them) or going to see R-rated movies (because they already downloaded them), but increasing their allowance (from $300 a week to $750) and upgrading their bedroom televisions (from a 30″ plasma to this). But what happens when you aren’t raising a douchebag, but dating one? Well, just like parents sharing much of the responsibility for rearing snots, you get some of the blame for tolerating your partner’s uppity ways.

But in order to do something about it, you have to know if your boyfriend or girlfriend even is a d-bag. Here’s a few ways you can tell:

His social calendar is is filled with back-to-back pool parties. Interrupted only by low tea, high tea, tanning, and the gym.

When asked who makes her scarf, she replies with the full designer name “Burberry Prorsum,” instead of just “Burberry.” Also, if she wears a Burberry scarf.

He checks in on Foursquare before the maitre’d has a chance to hand him a menu. And then immediately checks in on Gowalla.

She answers the phone, “What?” She has caller ID.

He finds your work in non-profit “adorable.” And is himself a waiter.

She’s named all of her vibrators. After L-Word characters.

He wears anything Ed Hardy. And buys it on sale.

She leaves the TV on Fox News while she’s in the shower. And not when it’s tuned to The O’Reilly Factor, but Fox & Friends.

He makes the same pose in every photo that winds up on Facebook. And those photos include a raised middle finger, lifting a shirt to show his abs, or draping an arm around a B-list gaylebrity.

She buys hair conditioner that costs more than $120 per bottle. But still keeps a bottle of Suave for you to use.

Your mother said so. And your father agreed.