survival guides

11 Ways To Tell If You’re Dating a Douchebag

A troubling phenomenon is sweeping the nation, and it took Details magazine to point it out: Parents might be — horror! — raising douchebags. Yes, sweet little five-year-old Zachery Marx and seven-year-old Kadisha Trixie are out of control brats, whose main concerns do not include staying up past their bedtimes (because they don’t have them) or going to see R-rated movies (because they already downloaded them), but increasing their allowance (from $300 a week to $750) and upgrading their bedroom televisions (from a 30″ plasma to this). But what happens when you aren’t raising a douchebag, but dating one? Well, just like parents sharing much of the responsibility for rearing snots, you get some of the blame for tolerating your partner’s uppity ways.

But in order to do something about it, you have to know if your boyfriend or girlfriend even is a d-bag. Here’s a few ways you can tell:

His social calendar is is filled with back-to-back pool parties. Interrupted only by low tea, high tea, tanning, and the gym.

When asked who makes her scarf, she replies with the full designer name “Burberry Prorsum,” instead of just “Burberry.” Also, if she wears a Burberry scarf.

He checks in on Foursquare before the maitre’d has a chance to hand him a menu. And then immediately checks in on Gowalla.

She answers the phone, “What?” She has caller ID.

He finds your work in non-profit “adorable.” And is himself a waiter.

She’s named all of her vibrators. After L-Word characters.

He wears anything Ed Hardy. And buys it on sale.

She leaves the TV on Fox News while she’s in the shower. And not when it’s tuned to The O’Reilly Factor, but Fox & Friends.

He makes the same pose in every photo that winds up on Facebook. And those photos include a raised middle finger, lifting a shirt to show his abs, or draping an arm around a B-list gaylebrity.

She buys hair conditioner that costs more than $120 per bottle. But still keeps a bottle of Suave for you to use.

Your mother said so. And your father agreed.

Get Queerty Daily

Subscribe to Queerty for a daily dose of #dating #douchebags #relationships stories and more


  • Cam

    He introduces himself by saying “Hello, I’m Fred Phelps”

  • cat walker


  • tofer david

    the title “douchebag” is sooo out of date. the appropriate term is simply, “douche.” He is a douche.

  • dontblamemeivotedforhillary

    You wake up with a serrated knife to your throat….

  • Qjersey

    when he demands that you bottom and you reply, okay then it’s your turn, he says one of the following:

    It’s an exit not an entrance.

    I’m a man I don’t do that

    I only do that in relationships.

  • Cam

    When he’s a snob to the waiter, or talks to you about all the labels he’s wearing then takes out a calculator to figure out the bill down to the last nickle. lol

  • Taylor Siluwé

    Wow, that upgrade to the 60G piece of heavenly electronics knocked my comment right outta my head. Oh no, I must be a douchebag because I want that!!

  • fredo777

    I’m not familiar w/ Foursquare or Gowalla. So, I’m either a non-douche or just out of the loop. Perhaps, both.

  • Mr. Enemabag Jones

    He brags about being on Corbin Fusher, or Randy Blue.

  • Mr. Enemabag Jones

    @Mr. Enemabag Jones:

    Or he misspells Corbin Fisher.

  • Lukas P.

    Other signs he’s gotta go:
    –He calls you Mommy during sex or arguments
    –He’s a lousy tipper no matter how well you fuck him
    –He tells his siblings he’s living with a woman named Brenda. Your name is not Brenda
    –He refuses to vote, because “it’s boring” and “the people who work there are scary old”
    –He forgets your birthday but know the exact birthday of Lady Gaga and Brad Pitt.
    –His mom selects and pays for the Christmas present he gives you. It’s always pine scented, even though you’re allergic to trees

  • Fitz

    He is in his 40’s, and still thinking about going to grad school.

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    Douches from my experiences and those of others with dating:

    – Do you have to be so smart? Why can’t you just be like everyone else by dumbing it down a little bit?

    – I found my dog wounded on a beach in Italy. I nursed him back to health, and brought him over soon after. His name is Prada.

    – I don’t date black men. I just wanted to try sex with one… I don’t understand why you think that’s offensive or racist.

    From a libertarian, I heard, you are only for government programs because you are black.

    – I don’t kiss. That’s too intimate. Can you fuck me raw? (A closet case not sure of his sexuality). Also later he said, if we were on a desert island he could end up with me. I dumped him the next day after some okay sex. The desert island comment I could live with because he was a fling, but the no kissing and no topping him unless I agreed to raw sex was just too much.

    – People live. People die. Your dad passed away like 5 months ago. I am not trying to bring you down with that sort of story. I try to make people happy.

    -From a friend, he told me of one of his ex’s woke up from a nightmare screaming. When my friend, who is black, asked, what were you dreaming about, and the bf, who is white, responded, “that you were robbing me.”

    Sadly, from my experiences and those of my friends, I can probably find some more.

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @Fitz: In what reality do you live in that obtaining a grad degree is considered being a douche? Are you a gold digger?

  • Fitz

    @4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now): I’m talking about the Peter Pan’s who, in their mid ages, still don’t know what they want to be when they grow up. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.

  • Anonymouse

    Also: Waking up feeling like P. Diddy.

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @Fitz: Yeah, I am also not a fan of the peter pans. While one may not be where they want to be yet, they should at least have started in some way rather than being all talk. However, I rarely meet that type of peter pan. I tend to met people with careers who are not capable of having relationships or have a child like idea of what relationships are.

  • GayGOP

    @4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now): Wow. I can agree with most of that…but if I am in a situation where I don’t understand something, I simply ask. However, I also tend to talk above other people and not notice it. I spend most of my time surrounded by classmates who think and speak at a high level, and so dumbing it down is not something I think of regularly.

  • Dasher

    @4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now): Wow, amazing and yet I have run into people something like this. It’s amusing too, you have a great sense of humor.

    “I don’t kiss, that’s too intimate…can you fuck me raw?”

    Please don’t stop. Keep them coming!

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @GayGOP: I think his comments were about his deep insecurities rather than about me. He was looking for someone he could be better than rather than an equal to. That’s what made him a douche.

    Some men, including gay ones, can not accept a relationship of equals or mostly equals since total equality in a relationship at all times is impossible.

    Bonus story:

    I went on dates with this latino who it turns out was cheating on his bf with me. When I asked whether his boyfriend knew, the latino guy said that he could cheat, but his boyfriend couldn’t because he’s a man, and he would get jealous if his boyfriend cheated on him.

  • Lukas P.

    Ooh, I forgot two good, true douche, ex BF stories: [these didn’t happen to me — yet — but to my male step-gay cousin, who really should write a book: on “Avoiding Toxic People:
    –He sends your birthday gift to the place you used to work at five years ago. Um, before you met him.
    –He forgets Valentine’s day and your birthday but sends you a Happy Father’s Day card, even that you’re two years younger than him.

  • Cam

    No. 14 · 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    Great list! I have one to add to it. The drama queen that will ALWAYS make a HUGE deal out of fucking up, just so that he can sit down and do some huge dramatic gester like write out every lyric to some love song on paper and then leave it scattered around the house for you to find. This was after a simple missed lunch…..not a big deal. I won’t go into the Vermont Teddy Bear incident, but needless to say I broke up fast!

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @Cam: That’s more desperate than douche.

    Although this did not happen to me or another gay person, it did happen to a straight friend:

    Douche would be playing the phone tag game. Where they repeatedly ask you to call, but they are always too busy or never around to answer the phone at the time they ask you to call and when you finally talk to them they say “I just did not feel like answering the phone.”

    This happened with a friend. I told her to dump the guy because he was a push-pull type. You know- the guy who when you lean in he pulls back, but when you are ready to walk away he leans forward. He wants to push pull you never to close but never too far.

    I can imagine a douche move in your example would be showing up late to the lunch, and pissing off your friends by by constantly talking about how fabulous his life is.

  • Trodder

    Douche: n, perjorative, meaning
    1) a guy who loves to bottom, but is still a vocal Evangelical Christian who loves Fox News, A. Coulter, and O’Reilly, and even Palin; and
    2) a guy who says he wants a relationship but really just wants you to pay for dinner and movies — and to top him until he can’t take it any more [OK, not all of that is douchy]; and
    3) a guy who doesn’t like it when you visit him at the private conservative all-boys boarding school where he is the biology/chemistry teacher and avid supporter of their athletic program, where he volunteers to be a chaperone on overnight trips; and
    4) the school is in a certain east coast state.

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @Trodder: My advice is to dump him rather than get back at him on some random blog. As I have discovered, it makes you happier to dump a douche rather than let them turn you into one.

  • Cam

    No. 26 · 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now) said…
    @Trodder: My advice is to dump him rather than get back at him on some random blog. As I have discovered, it makes you happier to dump a douche rather than let them turn you into one.

    So true, nothing is more upsetting to a douche than peple just not giving a shit.

  • gollygeegaygoy

    My 10.

    1. He says ‘I really love you’ while looking at the floor
    2. He never switches off his mobile when you’re together
    3 He adores his friends, but hates every single one of yours
    4. He says his put downs of you ‘are only jokes’
    5. He tells friends he prefers ‘straight acting men’, and then looks at you, disappointedly
    6. He says there is no need for condoms, but won’t go for a HIV test
    7. His credit card never works, has been forgotten or he’s waiting for a new one. And tells you ‘not to go on about it, just pay the bill’
    8. He regularly tells you that your ex boyfriend was ‘really hot’
    9. When you go to a bar together he needs to network
    10. He works as an air steward

  • benlayvey

    When your first conversation about organizing your finances goes like this:

    Him: “Worry not, I will see to all payments darling, I make more”
    You: “And how did you come about that deduction?”
    Him: “Well, you ONLY have an MBA”
    You: “So do you!”
    Him: “No, I have Harvard MBA”

    The Fool!

  • 22Minneapolisgayngstar

    “I don’t kiss, that’s too intimate…can you fuck me raw?”

    Hahahahaha, I love it. That should be on a t-shirt.

  • ossurworld

    If you need a list to know who’s a jerk, you are the douchebag.

  • romeo

    Jeez, I guess I’m lucky. My ex’s aren’t nearly as jerk-ass as what I’m reading about here. LOL

  • 4 Douche BFs from my 20s (I am smarter now)

    @ossurworld: If you need to be a contrarian in every exchange, then you are a douche. It is okay to disagree if you legitimately disagree, but we both know that you have the same kind of process in your head for not wanting to be jerked around by others. If you don’t, then you are a doormat. So either you are being contrary here or you are a door mat.

  • drifter

    @benlayvey: You are kidding, aren’t you? My god I don’t know whether to chuckle in laughter or horror. A HARVARD MBA huh?

    I am reminded of a black guy I used to date. I had to remind him while he ignored me at a bar (after being taken care of by my for 8 months) that in his case his MBA stood for nothing more than My Black Ass.

    I had no idea I could run that fast after it settled in his brain what I had just said. So help me I think the video that was playing on the tv paused at that comment I made in that bar.

  • MuscleBoy

    He dates Anderson Goober or Matt Boner.

  • Bubblicious

    all gay men are douchebags. thats why im dating lesbians.

  • Taylor Siluwé

    No. 36 · Bubblicious

    Actually, ALL men are. We can’t help ourselves. No matter how sweet we try to appear, our inner-douche is always struggling beneath the surface. And some days, we’re just too tired to fight him. He constantly whispers things like – Who cares if they’re vulnerable and in mourning, hit it anyway.

    My inner-douche gets really aroused by tears. I won’t make excuses for him.

Comments are closed.