bright sides

5 Potential Benefits Of Separate Showers For Gay Soldiers

Besides the irony of a mixed race commander-in-chief overseeing a military that’s even considering the possibility of segregating straight and queer troops, maybe there’s an upside to the chance gay, lesbian, and bisexual soldiers will be able to serve openly but separately?

Update: The Pentagon insists they were never considering separate but equal.

After repealing DADT — which, under the current Congressional legislation, would need the signature of military chiefs — the Pentagon was, months ago, considering having The Gays use separate showering and/or living facilities. The idea is still on the table! Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell told reporters Friday, “We think it would be irresponsible to conduct a survey that didn’t address these questions because when ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is repealed, we will have to determine if there are any challenges in those particular areas, any adjustments that need to be made in terms of how we educate the force, or perhaps even facility adjustments that need to be made to deal with those scenarios. But we won’t know any of that until we get a sense from the force of their attitudes. “It could turn out, based on this survey, that there are far fewer concerns than we are led to believe. There could more or different concerns than we had anticipated.”

It could also turn out they ignore common sense and let homophobia win the day! But can’t something good come from this? Sure, if you’re a ridiculous optimist.

Fewer people to fight off from the TV remote. RuPaul’s Drag Race. The Real L Word. Project Runway. These are the shows gay soldiers want to watch, but far too often the common televisions are hijacked by sports-loving, WWE-watching goons. No more of that. But you can still watch White Collar together, that’s cool.

Your shower supplies will go untouched. That $260 you just dropped on Perricone MD Neuropeptide Firming Moisturizer goes to waste when an unknowing straight soldier grabs a whole glop to use as aftershave. A gays-only wash room would never permit such cosmetics fouls.

The background noise will improve. Turn up the volume on that Lady Gaga person. Stop shielding your iPod when Kylie comes on. And best of all, no Nickelback. Ever.

Your sex toys are safe. Gone are the days when pearl dildos and perineum ticklers are mistaken for neck massagers or a place to hang your hat. Still stow them away, but worry less about anyone rifling through your stash.

Most of those misunderstandings will disappear. Now when your bunk mate walks into the room, and you’ve got the lights off while “wrestling” with a buddy, you won’t have to fumble for excuses to explain why you’re holding an about-to-be-ripped-open condom wrapper. He’ll just get it. And he’ll ask to join. CAUSE WE’RE ALL WHORES, I’ve heard.