8 Conservatives We’d Bang

In college I met this guy off the Internet who was practically perfect. He was smart, gainfully employed, sexy as hell and he would take me out for ice cream and long walks. That last bit should have been a tip off. Sure enough, the conversations soon turned to talk about the importance of bombing Iran and the evils of federal funding for the arts. “Why are you sleeping with the devil?” my friends would ask, and I’d feebly mutter something about the plurality of democratic thought before they’d rejoinder, “He named his dog Rove!”

While Republicans can make strange bedfellows, liberals don’t have a lock on sexiness. Here are some conservatives we wouldn’t push out of bed—because, hey, if Maria Shriver can do it, why can’t we?

denzel_washington1_300_400Denzel Washington

While the rumor that Denzel Washington blew up at Katie Couric on the Today show while being interviewed about The Manchurian Candidate is just an urban legend conservatives tell their children at bedtime, the man is by all accounts, conservative, though not in any terribly repugnant ways. He supports the troops and considers criticism of the war in Iraq to be unpatriotic, he’s skeptical of the media and reads the Bible “every day.”

531100523_58dd5d39a4Dean Cain

What a shame that Superman voted for John McCain, but like most Hollywood Republicans, he’s more libertarian feel-good Reaganite than crazy evangelical. In fact, he took on Jerry Falwell on Real Time with Bill Maher telling the now-dead, but still evil pastor, “I have a humongous problem with [organized religion in politics], and for someone to say that my responsibility is to go take the child and raise him to the values of this church or that church is frightening to me.”

Chet Lott

Oh God, how do we love Chet Lott, the son of former Mississippi Senator and general asshat Trent Lott. You see, young Chet works as a lobbyist to appease his Dad, carrying water for clients like BellSouth, munitions maker Day & Zimmerman, and the National Association of Air Traffic Specialists, but his real passion is country music. You have to wonder how much it sticks in Trent’s craw that his son doesn’t want to follow in his father’s footsteps and is instead following his dream of making music videos in which he rides horses and mousses his hair.

prince_closePrince

Super-queenbot Prince was a gay icon until last year, when he said:

“You’ve got the Democrats, and they’re, like, “You can do whatever you want. Gay marriage, whatever… God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, “Enough.”

This from a guy who wrote a song called “Pussy Control” and once dropped hundreds of Prince-insignia emblazoned panties on a VH1 awards show audience. Still, as much as it’d be a hate-fuck, we’d still give him a raspberry beret.

2490879152_ece251f4a9Aaron Schock

The first U.S. Representative to be born in the 80s, Illinois’ Aaron Shock looks like he should be representing the twink constituency. Alas, he’s a Baptist who votes for guns and against gays. His pretty-boy looks drummed up some rumors that he was gay, which he denied, but dang, he sure is cute.

tom-selleck-c10111326Tom Selleck

Poor Tom has a tendency to bet on the wrong horse. His contributions to John McCain, Pat Buchanan and Jack Kemp all failed to get his chosen candidate into the White House. True story: I’ve been to Tom Selleck’s house! One of my weird, gay, gay hobbies is going to open houses in Beverly Hills and one time I was walking around this gaudy pseudo-Grecian temple and kept seeing photos of Tom Selleck everywhere. It wasn’t until I got to the wet bar, adorned with photos of Tom Selleck meeting the Pope, Tom Selleck meeting O.J., Tom Selleck meeting George W. Bush that I realized I wasn’t in some crazy Selleck-fans abode, but in the Temple of ‘Stache. I even sat on his bed, which is the closest I’ll ever get to getting up close and personal with his Magnum P.I.

jim_demintJim DeMint

First off, this lackluster South Carolina senator has a total hard-on for “Joe the Plumber,” having invited him to attend a meeting of the Conservative Working Group earlier this month. His aide breathlessly wrote, “In case you weren’t planning to attend CWG tomorrow morning, you might want to reconsider because Joe the Plumber will be joining us!” OMG! Joe the Plumber is setting policy! DeMint’s got a kindly gay uncle vibe about him (again, ignoring his politics) and in our demented fantasy, we’d go for many nice dates at mid-scale Italian restaurants with him before finally telling him that he’s just too boring for our needs.

palin-todd2Todd Palin

How could Alaska’s “First Dude” not be on this list? He’s such an emasculated, seething well of undeveloped thought that we want to grab a helicopter and shoot him down with Cupid’s arrows. He thinks Alaska should secede, he’s been held in contempt by the state legislature and he’s a sexy fisherman who just so happened to be married to the bestest governor in these darn 50 states, don’t ya know?