8 Conservatives We’d Bang

In college I met this guy off the Internet who was practically perfect. He was smart, gainfully employed, sexy as hell and he would take me out for ice cream and long walks. That last bit should have been a tip off. Sure enough, the conversations soon turned to talk about the importance of bombing Iran and the evils of federal funding for the arts. “Why are you sleeping with the devil?” my friends would ask, and I’d feebly mutter something about the plurality of democratic thought before they’d rejoinder, “He named his dog Rove!”

While Republicans can make strange bedfellows, liberals don’t have a lock on sexiness. Here are some conservatives we wouldn’t push out of bed—because, hey, if Maria Shriver can do it, why can’t we?

denzel_washington1_300_400Denzel Washington

While the rumor that Denzel Washington blew up at Katie Couric on the Today show while being interviewed about The Manchurian Candidate is just an urban legend conservatives tell their children at bedtime, the man is by all accounts, conservative, though not in any terribly repugnant ways. He supports the troops and considers criticism of the war in Iraq to be unpatriotic, he’s skeptical of the media and reads the Bible “every day.”

531100523_58dd5d39a4Dean Cain

What a shame that Superman voted for John McCain, but like most Hollywood Republicans, he’s more libertarian feel-good Reaganite than crazy evangelical. In fact, he took on Jerry Falwell on Real Time with Bill Maher telling the now-dead, but still evil pastor, “I have a humongous problem with [organized religion in politics], and for someone to say that my responsibility is to go take the child and raise him to the values of this church or that church is frightening to me.”

Chet Lott

Oh God, how do we love Chet Lott, the son of former Mississippi Senator and general asshat Trent Lott. You see, young Chet works as a lobbyist to appease his Dad, carrying water for clients like BellSouth, munitions maker Day & Zimmerman, and the National Association of Air Traffic Specialists, but his real passion is country music. You have to wonder how much it sticks in Trent’s craw that his son doesn’t want to follow in his father’s footsteps and is instead following his dream of making music videos in which he rides horses and mousses his hair.


Super-queenbot Prince was a gay icon until last year, when he said:

“You’ve got the Democrats, and they’re, like, “You can do whatever you want. Gay marriage, whatever… God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, “Enough.”

This from a guy who wrote a song called “Pussy Control” and once dropped hundreds of Prince-insignia emblazoned panties on a VH1 awards show audience. Still, as much as it’d be a hate-fuck, we’d still give him a raspberry beret.

2490879152_ece251f4a9Aaron Schock

The first U.S. Representative to be born in the 80s, Illinois’ Aaron Shock looks like he should be representing the twink constituency. Alas, he’s a Baptist who votes for guns and against gays. His pretty-boy looks drummed up some rumors that he was gay, which he denied, but dang, he sure is cute.

tom-selleck-c10111326Tom Selleck

Poor Tom has a tendency to bet on the wrong horse. His contributions to John McCain, Pat Buchanan and Jack Kemp all failed to get his chosen candidate into the White House. True story: I’ve been to Tom Selleck’s house! One of my weird, gay, gay hobbies is going to open houses in Beverly Hills and one time I was walking around this gaudy pseudo-Grecian temple and kept seeing photos of Tom Selleck everywhere. It wasn’t until I got to the wet bar, adorned with photos of Tom Selleck meeting the Pope, Tom Selleck meeting O.J., Tom Selleck meeting George W. Bush that I realized I wasn’t in some crazy Selleck-fans abode, but in the Temple of ‘Stache. I even sat on his bed, which is the closest I’ll ever get to getting up close and personal with his Magnum P.I.

jim_demintJim DeMint

First off, this lackluster South Carolina senator has a total hard-on for “Joe the Plumber,” having invited him to attend a meeting of the Conservative Working Group earlier this month. His aide breathlessly wrote, “In case you weren’t planning to attend CWG tomorrow morning, you might want to reconsider because Joe the Plumber will be joining us!” OMG! Joe the Plumber is setting policy! DeMint’s got a kindly gay uncle vibe about him (again, ignoring his politics) and in our demented fantasy, we’d go for many nice dates at mid-scale Italian restaurants with him before finally telling him that he’s just too boring for our needs.

palin-todd2Todd Palin

How could Alaska’s “First Dude” not be on this list? He’s such an emasculated, seething well of undeveloped thought that we want to grab a helicopter and shoot him down with Cupid’s arrows. He thinks Alaska should secede, he’s been held in contempt by the state legislature and he’s a sexy fisherman who just so happened to be married to the bestest governor in these darn 50 states, don’t ya know?

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  • Wolf

    You’d BANG Prince? Ewwwww

    How about we swap him out with

    Freddie Prinze, Jr., Andy Garcia or even Kevin Sorbo. BUT PRICE? Thats so 1999.

  • Jonathan

    We can’t we bang them! Cause they have cooties, that’s why. But seriously — they are *bad* for our health, our wallet’s and our dignity. That’s why.

    You wouldn’t sleep with a Log Cabin Repub, so just make it a more general rule: Don’t sleep with the enemy.

    Actually, I’ve made it a rule since the Rpubs forced DADT and DOMS on us, that they get no nookie. Ever.

  • ggreen

    Japhy do some research on Mr. Washington. He dislikes fags immensely. It may change your attitude about banging him. Also I have never seen anything human with teeth like his.

  • dvlaries

    Okay, start the clock ticking now, especially in the case of the politicians on this list, when we’re gonna have our next Bob Allen-Larry Craig-Richard Curtis-Ted Foley-style scandal of ‘caught with a male hooker,’ ‘trying to pick up a cop,’ or making licentious overtures to some barely-legal other males in subordinate positions. This queerty article probably won’t have its first cobwebs on it yet.

  • ChristopherM

    Japhy darlin’, I wouldn’t fuck Prince with your dick.

  • alan brickman

    Denzel Washington is a bit of a gay hater…so true….

  • Darth Paul

    I’d like to donkey punch Tucker Carlson.

  • bruyninckx37

    I never understood that “hate f**k” stuff till I lusted after conservative tool Tucker Bounds…

  • ceazer

    What? Danzel Washington is a conservative? please say it ain’t so.I have had a crush on a conservative all these years?man………………

  • traffick

    Denzel Washington is also a total hypocrite. This self-professed “family man” also has a string of women who he sleeps with whenever he is here in Toronto, doing a movie.

    And Prince, well he changed when he found the Lord. But one thing I’d like to tell him, if you hate on the gays, then stop dressing like us.

  • countervail

    This is best list of the hottest conservatives you could come up with? I’ll stick with liberals of the same general attractiveness until you really pull out some A-level hotties.

  • Michael

    Jim DeMint? As a self-respecting South Carolinian homosexual, I would rather have sex with a ceiling fan. I move to strike DeMint from this list; I have lost confidence in Japhy’s hate-fucking tastes. Replace him with uber-hot George P. Bush, son of Jeb.

  • Jeffrey Bryan

    How did Brandon Flowers NOT make this list?

  • Japhy Grant

    @Michael: This comment is a WIN, b/c it makes me laugh. Good work!

  • kevin

    @ Traffick – Prince doesn’t dress like us, unless all gay men are goth funeral director cross-dressers. My gays aren’t. Nevertheless, sleep with PRINCE? Not even if I were wearing a HAZMAT suit.

  • Whup-Ass Master

    Ick, ew and barf. Okay, it might be entertaining to keep Prince as a pet (he comes with his own wardrobe of poodle attire). The only reason to get with Mr. Hockey Mom would be to prevent his seed from creating little Plank or Silt or whatever the Palins plan to name their next retarded baby.

  • Chris

    you are fucked up in the head

  • GranDiva

    Not to mention that, if Carmen Electra can be believed, having sex with Prince would hardly be worth the energy.

  • cruiser

    The only one that would be halfway worth the effort would be former Lois & Clark’s(Broken Hearts Club, Ripley’s Believe It or Not star/host)Dean “Superman” Cain. The rest of them you can ship them to the bestest darn Hockey Governor Mom in the upper northern regions don’t cha know!?

  • GranDiva

    And there is the comfort one can take in knowing that there is no way in hell that any gay man will ever get a crack at Denzel. I just don’t get the Denzel love. At all. Even from Spike Lee. He’s up in that whole Frances Cress Welsing school of African gay-free philosophy, where they blame any gayness in black men on Europeans, because there were no gays in Africa before colonization, there were only butch black warriors corrupted by the culture of inherently effeminate white men. Puh-leeze.

    And come on, Todd Palin? Only if there was chloroform and a ball gag around. That would truly be a hate fuck. Get that man some Botox. And a brain.

  • Geoff

    Wish I could say I thought this was a ‘fun’ post….but…ughhh! Not even remotely funny except for some of the comment @ 16 Whup-Ass Master…that is funny stuff.

  • rick

    i wanna ask todd who trig’s baby daddy is. i know it isn’t todd since he was on the north slope when sarah got preggers.

  • Jonathan

    @rick: Come on. Sarah didn’t get preggers. Her *daughter* got preggers with Trig… and then Sarah faked the pregnancy. Don’t you follow Andrew Sullivan?

  • hardmannyc

    You put Dean Cain in there just for voting for John McCain? I don’t think that makes him a fire-breathing conservative, especially given his other comments and general demeanor.

  • Darth Paul

    @Michael: “George P. Bush, son of Jeb.”

    OMG, yes!

  • kevin

    I’d totally bam bam Matt Barber. Just to make it interesting, I’d invite The Peter to bring his toys to join in.

  • kevinRANDOM

    and now, I completely understand what they call “The Stockholm Syndrome”!

  • dgz

    i actually really like this post because i’m visualizing a) how uncomfortable it makes the peeps on this list, and b) how other neo-cons are probably privately jealous that they ain’t on it.

  • getreal

    Denzel Washington may be a Christian but he is a democrat he was the first person the dais for Obama’s inaugural address (three hours early ha-ha). Just because someone is a christian does not mean they are conservative I’m christian and liberal. Here is a pic of him at the inauguration 3 hours early and adorable!

  • Bruno

    None of them except maybe Denzel are CURRENTLY hot. This is a plain-Jane gang if I ever saw one.

  • scott

    Can’t you be a democrat, christian, gay hater?

    Why would Denzel make Philadelphia if he was a gay hater?

    If he is, well I’ll have to revise my opinion.

  • getreal

    I live in weho and have several times seen Mr.Washington eating at Merriks (I think I misspelled it) if you don’t live in west hollywood this is a lesbian couple owned restaurant that at any given time on any given day about 90% gay clientele anyone the least bit homophobic or uncomfortable with gays would run screaming from the building. The fact that I saw him there and at other restaurants around boystown with his wife tells me he is probably not a homophobe.

  • Steven

    @Jonathan: Umm, it was President Clinton who gave us both DADT and DOMA. Last I checked, he was a Democrat. DADT was passed by a Dem-majority Congress and DOMA by Rep-majority Congress.

  • Dennis

    Roseanne once said that Prince looked like “a dwarf that’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.”

    One of the only times I ever agreed with Roseanne. Ew.

    Aaron Schock, however, would be given the “Shocker” any day. He’s cute in an evil-nazi Neil Patrick Harris sorta way.

  • Justin Sesek

    Aaron Schock.

    I’d hatefuck the color out of his hair.

    Seriously I would do everything to him. And the fact that he’s anti-gay just means I’d do it harder.

  • DeWillis Washington

    I find this topic to lean toward the peverse and twistedly sick.I would prefer to refrain from posting.

  • Jeremy

    Regarding your writeup of Todd Palin, “emasculated” does not mean masculine. It actually means feminine and weak. Check out the dictionary.

  • Geoff

    Did Mr. Sarah Palin actually say he wanted Alaska to secede??? How did I miss this during all the hype his doodlebrained wife received? I would’ve thought that little ‘view’ of his (if legit) would have been a high talking point! What a freak. (I’d still do it to him hard though…god forgive me)

  • matt (the other other one)

    @Geoff: She spoke at a secessionists meeting once for him and they made an issue (not enough of one if you ask me) of it. Funny she ran as so patriotic but reached out to the secessionist hypocritical why am I even surprised.


    @Jeremy: Yes, it does mean that. You don’t think it describes him?

    Anyway, to the article itself: be sure and take pictures. And post them. Not because we really want to see (at least, I don’t) but for the Craig-Haggard effect.

  • Mister C

    Since when Denzel became a REPUBLICAN??????

  • Jeffrey Bernstein

    The Religion that you Must not Argue Against

    Islam, right? No. Homosexuality. A group of 20 to 30 students at Charles O. Dickerson High School in Trumansburg, New York, seem to have got tired of all the pro-homosexual preaching and “celebrated” the pro-homosexual “National Day of Silence” by wearing t-shirts to school bearing such OUTRAGEOUS slogans as “It’s great to be straight”. As a result, they were booted out of their school for a day. I wonder what happened to that pesky First Amendment? Though the idea that such “revolutionary” statements as “It’s great to be straight” would need First Amendment protection rather boggles the mind. Details here.

  • John in CA

    @Steven: No, DADT and DOMA were both passed with veto proof majorities and nearly total GOP support.

    Clinton could’ve done whatever he wanted. It would’ve still become law. Now, he decided to cave under pressure (as usual). But that personality fault went well beyond us. He was a president with a lot of potential who ended up not finishing anything he started. It has damaged his legacy enormously. He’s still defending his behavior to this day. So, Clinton hasn’t gotten away with anything.

    As for Congress, whatever token resistance existed also came almostly exclusively from liberal Democrats like Russ Feingold and Nancy Pelosi. Exactly ONE Republican voted against DOMA (Rep. Gunderson), alongside 66 House Democrats and 14 Democratic senators.

  • brentbent

    If these are the hottest Republicans then I’d imagine most the Log Cabin Republicans are lusting after non-Republicans.

  • Mark

    Excuse me?

    Please let the Log Cabin Republican voting members of our community decide who they’d be loathsome with.

    There are plenty of gay boys to choose from. Why do you need THIS list?

  • Tom

    I’d go for Dean Cain, but Jim DeMint? *gouges eyes out to distract self from the pain*

  • Rob Moore

    @John in CA: One cannot ignore the fact that it was Democratic Senator Sam Nunn, chairman of the Armed Services Committee at the time, who made the first move to override Clinton. Clinton at least made the effort to issue an executive order, but it was rescinded once it became clear that Nunn would fight him tooth and nail. I don’t think I ever voted for that ignorant bigot, but his predecessor spoke at my high school graduation in June of 1972 then lost to the bigot in November of the same year. I was almost as happy when he retired from the Senate as I was when Jesse Helms was finally buried and rotting. I was quite dismayed when Nunn became involved in Obama’s campaign as an advisor.

  • Rob Moore

    @Rob Moore: After some thought, I might go for Chet Lott. At least he has some musical talent and doesn’t shellac his hair like his daddy. I don’t know of any specific homophobia from him.

    I never cared much for Tom Selleck, probably because of his moustache even though I finished college in the 70s. I always thought kissing a man with that sort of moustache was a lot like make out with a horse brush not to mention I could always smell his cigarettes, his morning coffee, and his last meal.

    Prince is just disgusting. I would have to be unconscious or dead. With Todd Palin, one would probably have to wash the moose shit off his dick first. Everyone think Denzel Washington was acting in Philadelphia. He wasn’t. DeMint is just another Baptist looney who gets by on slickness rather than brains. He’s really just an ugly bag of water.

    Aaron Schock has the same last name as my first boyfriend. That didn’t end particularly well, but I might do Aaron in a dark room if I didn’t know his name. Dean Cain would work just because he once looked good in tights.

  • Lucas

    I’m so glad you included Aaron Schock.

    Also, the entire Palin clan has good genetics… it’s just unfortunate they’re the offspring of a lunatic.

  • David C

    Eyueewwwwwww! Denzel, maybe. Selleck, yes – 15 years ago.
    The rest of them are repugnant. Unfuckable.

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