SHOCK AND AWWW

American Morality Destroyed By Boring Image Of Boyfriends In J. Crew Catalog

A gay fashioner designer? With a boyfriend??! In a J. CREW CATALOG?!!! WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE??!?!! OMFG!! MY LITTLE GIRL’S GONNA TURN INTO A BOX-DEVOURING SUPER LESBIAN AND DECLARE WAR ON GOD!!! Oh wait… that’s stupid… unless you’re already afraid of homos.

Last month J. Crew scandalized all of Fox News by publishing a photo of J. Crew president Jenna Lyons painting her son’s toenails pink. Was this an innocent image of child-parent bonding or insidious “propaganda celebrating transgendered children”?!!! That’s right, painting your son’s toenails pink will encourage your son to think he’s a girl. Why, it’s just as bad as letting little girls wear pants play baseball excel at math vote feel same-sex attraction.

Sigh…

This week J. Crew continues to sexually confuse and titillate non-gay Americans with their May 2011 catalog featuring fashion designer Somsack Sikhounmuong and his boyfriend Micah; the words next to them read “Happy Together.” Except for Micah’s frosted tips, both men are passably masculine—Micah is even wearing a tie with rolled up sleeves… how butch!

But any conservative with enough time on their hands to bitch about gay propaganda in clothing catalogs should know this: for at least a century if not longer, queer designers have been dressing your men, women, and children. That’s right—they obsess about how well underwear clings to your child’s backside; they fantasize about how well the hem of a stocking will travel up a young woman’s supple calves to her wanton hips; they even get all sweaty tailoring fitted shirts to fit the muscular torsos of young fathers. Oh yes, fags have been imagining you naked for centuries just so they can clothe you. And now that one has moved off of the Bravo network onto your preppy catalog, you can’t ignore that reality anymore.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have reruns of Project Runway to mock.