south carolina

Andre Bauer’s Unconvincing Attempt at Convincing Us He’s Straight

Andre Bauer, South Carolina’s lieutenant governor, is simply adorable. He’s fending off rumors that he’s a big (anti-gay) homo as he tries to swipe the governor’s seat from Mark Sanford. And how does Mr. Bauer go about shrugging off the notion that he sleeps with men? Not by explicitly denying he’s gay!

Bauer, whose allies claim it’s Sanford behind the gay “smear” campaign, isn’t coming across as too believable. In a decent interview about his political intentions, the lt. gov tells South Carolina’s WCBD News 2: “I don’t really think [asking if I’m gay is] a proper question. I think it’s a little bit ridiculous and it’s sad that politics has gotten to that. But if somebody had a question I didn’t have a problem going ahead and hearing it and getting it out of the way because I don’t want it to linger, much like this other problem is lingering. I want to move forward. I want to talk about real issues, how to get improved job growth. How you get education to a better level than it is now, how you fix the budget problem that we’ve got — not continue to dwell on some silly question in the first place. … [By answering the question] I sure hope it ends the issue. … I don’t want to continue to have to hear about it.”

Haha, but you will! Because you’re a politician, and all your constituents care about are your bedroom activities, not job growth!

We kid, of course, because we’re not advocates of prying into our elected officials’ private sex lives. That policy comes with an asterisk, however. If this man wants to step into Gov. Sanford’s post with a similar anti-gay agenda, then for damn sure we’re going to make who he sleeps with an issue.

In the meantime, might we suggest Bauer invest in a body language expert, who can advise him on reshaping his public appearance. Namely, stand and speak less faggy.. Not that we’re implying stereotypes. No homo!

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  • Chopsie

    The idiot Republicans in SC just keep getting more and more ludicrous!

  • alan brickman

    closet case with glass walls….

  • Harlee

    Andre Bauer may be colorful and a lot of things but I can tell you that he is no way in shape or form gay. I dated him and am not a fan of his, but tell us something believable. It is sad politics have come to this.

  • Sam Howard

    The Bauer Hour of Decorating Power is about to begin.

    Columbia’s interior design crowd has been hissing like tea kettles at the prospect of a Bauer governorship. Now, the lieutenant-guvnah may or may not be gay, but honey he does likes pretty things. Have you seen his darling apartment on Senate Street? Yes, Senate Street no less.

    So who was spotted rustling the rhododendron outside the governor’s mansion the other evening? Was some light-in-the-loafers-laddie measuring drapes with an iPod camera? Was he armed with paint charts and old copies of Architectural Digest? Well, let’s just say he was driving the most adorable little Smart Car you ever did see!

    And if it is curtains for Mark Sanford, we’re sure Andre’s window treatments of magenta portieres festooned with ball fringe will be capable of completely darkening the parlor at a moments notice. Midnight screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show? The latest X-tube feature? Say, does anyone have a donkey?

    And the parties! Oh, the parties. Can we talk? How many guests invited to the sure to be fabulous Halloween fancy dress gala will be bearded? Glenn? Lindsay? My, my, where is Truman Capote or Mike Rogers when you need them?
    And here’s a costume idea for the L-G: (save your sequins everybody) descend the staircase as Liberace! Now, girls, there’s a candelabra in a closet somewhere; drag it in here.
    Boys will be boys, But boys rarely will be governors. Hold on to your pasties girls, this is gonna be fun.

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