south carolina

Andre Bauer’s Unconvincing Attempt at Convincing Us He’s Straight

Andre Bauer, South Carolina’s lieutenant governor, is simply adorable. He’s fending off rumors that he’s a big (anti-gay) homo as he tries to swipe the governor’s seat from Mark Sanford. And how does Mr. Bauer go about shrugging off the notion that he sleeps with men? Not by explicitly denying he’s gay!

Bauer, whose allies claim it’s Sanford behind the gay “smear” campaign, isn’t coming across as too believable. In a decent interview about his political intentions, the lt. gov tells South Carolina’s WCBD News 2: “I don’t really think [asking if I’m gay is] a proper question. I think it’s a little bit ridiculous and it’s sad that politics has gotten to that. But if somebody had a question I didn’t have a problem going ahead and hearing it and getting it out of the way because I don’t want it to linger, much like this other problem is lingering. I want to move forward. I want to talk about real issues, how to get improved job growth. How you get education to a better level than it is now, how you fix the budget problem that we’ve got — not continue to dwell on some silly question in the first place. … [By answering the question] I sure hope it ends the issue. … I don’t want to continue to have to hear about it.”

Haha, but you will! Because you’re a politician, and all your constituents care about are your bedroom activities, not job growth!

We kid, of course, because we’re not advocates of prying into our elected officials’ private sex lives. That policy comes with an asterisk, however. If this man wants to step into Gov. Sanford’s post with a similar anti-gay agenda, then for damn sure we’re going to make who he sleeps with an issue.

In the meantime, might we suggest Bauer invest in a body language expert, who can advise him on reshaping his public appearance. Namely, stand and speak less faggy.. Not that we’re implying stereotypes. No homo!