A new survey from the University of Glasgow has revealed some interesting trends in the sexual practices of young gay men in monogamous relationships.
While speaking at GAYCON 2014, the 5th National Conference for Scotland on Gay and Bisexual Men’s Health and Wellbeing, Nicola Boydell presented the results from a series of interviews she conducted with a group of 30 gay men ages 18 through 29 years.
Boydell asked the men what their thoughts were on condoms use. What she observed was that many of the subjects viewed bareback sex differently, depending on the nature of the relationship.
“Anal sex is more risky than any other type of sex,” one man said. “But with a regular partner [it] is less risky than with a casual partner.”
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(Just for the record, this isn’t true. According to a 2010 study released by San Francisco State University, primary partners are a major source of HIV-infection.)
Another man said: “If it was just like a casual thing, I would always use condoms and then if we’re going out like, at the start, for like a couple of months, depending on the person, we would use a condom. Then after that, if like we trusted each other, if I trusted him, we wouldn’t.”
Boydell says that, while some respondents said both they and their partners underwent HIV testing before giving up condoms, others relied simply on the belief that, if their partner was HIV-positive, he would tell them. They also reported that being monogamous was enough for them to feel safe.
“At the moment we’re monogamous,” another man said. “But at the same time, we both appreciate other men, and there have been occasions when we’ve both been together with other guys, but we use protection in that instance.”
Boydell also says that, despite many of the men claiming to be in monogamous relationships, few had actually discussed the topic with their partners.
“I don’t think we’ve ever sat down and discussed [monogamy], but I know that’s… we must have discussed it in bits over time, because I just know that’s, that’s the case,” one man reported.
Boydell concluded that young gay men in relationships need to develop better ways of communicating around sex and HIV.
What do you think? Is a promise of monogamy enough for you to feel safe? And have you and your partner ever sat down to discuss what “being monogamous” really means? Sounds off in the comments section below.
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Graham Gremore is a columnist and contributor for Queerty and Life of the Law. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
vive
“AT THE MOMENT we’re monogamous…”
And last month you were “monogamous” with your ex, and the previous month with another ex, etc.
That is not what “monogamous” means.
Geeker
Anyone else feel like joining a monastery after reading these articles?
Stefano
It is very strange, i have the impression that young people these days think exactly like my grandparents and beleive in fairytales. Are we going back in time?
Stefano
Even the “Charlotte” character in Sex in The City is not that naive ! And It’s a show that ends 10 Years ago…
Virge
Do you see what they did in the article????
They didn’t even discuss REAL monogamy but threw in a few boneheads….
I’m with vive.. I started laughing when I read,
“At the moment we’re monogamous, but at the same time, we both appreciate other men, and there have been occasions when we’ve both been together with other guys, but we use protection in that instance.”
Will someone please slap the word ‘monogamy” out of that Fumb Dag’s vocabulary?????
My man dated FWBs for 3 years and have been totally monogamous and happy about it for almost 4. Totally monogamous is necessarily redundant in the company of Fumb Duckers who think there are varying definitions of it.
chifun00
Why am I not surprised. Gay men yell at people on Truvada and tell them there are other STDs they can catch….yeah, the same ones from getting/giving a blow job without a condom…and I don’t know any gay man who uses condoms for blow jobs. Their response to that “yeah, but still.” It’s like Fox News and climate change. Show them facts from actual scientists with data and they say “yeah, I still don’t believe climate change doesn’t exists! It was pretty cold last winter!”
tardis
This is so disappointing. I hate that gay is synonymous with HIV, and what’s even more disconcerting is how the gay community isn’t really doing much to fight this disease. HIV rates are sky rocketing. I suppose the thing here is to protect one’s self as best as they can.
McShane
@Virge:
My man dated FWBs for 3 years and have been totally monogamous and happy about it for almost 4.
What? So, your boyfriend slept with his friends, but you are monogamous? I don’t get it.
I love condoms
HIV has been with us now for 30+ years, and we should all know by now how the virus is transmitted. So, why would anyone enter into a relationship and then immediately ditch the condoms without going with their partner to get tested first?
I don’t get why anyone would just take someone’s word for it, no matter how hot they are, when it comes to having unprotected anal sex.
It seems that every poz guy I’ve ever chatted with on how they became poz, all said by an ex. And then they all went on to say they NEVER went with their partners to get tested prior to engaging in raw sex.
You have to assume that everyone is poz if you don’t know their HIV status.
QJ201
OH he said his last test was negative (and when was that exactly?)
I thought we were monogamous
hmmm, right
Apparatus
Monogamy is a myth. A fantasy. It only exists inside your mind.
And it can be broken easily without you knowing and hidden and that keeps you living in the dark.
You can’t watch your partner every second of every day so it’s literally impossible to “know” and confirm. It’s entirely trust-based.
And when you trust someone you give them all sorts of freedom and benefit of the doubt you don’t give anyone else, so it makes it even easier to cheat and not get caught. No second-guessing. No suspicion. The foggy mist of “trust” and comfort and “love”…good way to get hurt.
Never let your guard down. Don’t be a fool. This is your life.
Be honest with your partner even if you are “monogamous” and take steps to protect yourself and each other and be brutally honest and matter-of-fact about the situation. Otherwise you might be putting yourself in a very dangerous situation very quickly.
enlightenone
@I love condoms: “You have to assume that everyone is poz if you don’t know their HIV status.”
Being a pre, during, and “post” AIDS gay, I would say to gay youth and the rest YOU HAVE TO ASSUME THAT EVERYONE IS POZ even if you DO KNOW their HIV STATUS!!!!!
PHYSICAL MONOGAMY: Sex with that ONE PERSON ONLY over the life of that relationship with NO OTHER SEX PARTNERS in between OR DURING. For gay couples, THAT tends to be the exception not the rule WHEN left to their own DEVICES!!!!!
Life lesson #1: ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM and focus on passion and sexual and romantic creativity = You can do it!
stranded
I guess this is true for me and lot of people i know. It’s also true for both straight and gay couples though. After you commit to being boyfriends or boyfriend and girlfriend and she gets on the pill, most couples stop using condoms.
Virge
@McShane:
I didn’t proofread before I posted earlier
WE dated 3 yrs as FWBs before trying becoming a “relationship” We’ve been monogamous 4 years.
jason smeds
If you have sex only with men on the gay scene, then I agree it is best to assume that they are HIV poz even if they are not.
However, if you have sex with men across the straight scene, it is probably not as necessary. The reason for this is that when your sexual activity is dispersed amongst large and constantly shifting populations, the herd effect kicks in and you are more immune than if you were to concentrate your activity only in the gay scene.
Herd immunity is crucial. The gay scene lacks it.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: Um, those geezers you touch your toes for behind the dumpster? They’re not straight.
Stefano
@jason smeds : your comment is stupid. You just took the herd immunity (or effect) theory on wwikipedia and made a stupid extrapolation on sexuality…you only forgot one thing that is crucial…
“Herd immunity or herd effect, also called community immunity, describes a form of immunity[1] that occurs when the vaccination of a significant portion of a population (or herd) provides a measure of protection for individuals who have not developed immunity.”
The key word here is “vaccination”.
Nice try nutcase.
TrueWords
Many gay men know the lingo to have unprotected sex, YES I AM NEGATIVE or YES, I AM ON PREP and off we go with a virtual stranger having unprotected sex….I just do not get that…
enlightenone
@TrueWords: “Many gay men know the lingo to have unprotected sex, YES I AM NEGATIVE or YES, I AM ON PREP and off we go with a virtual stranger having unprotected sex….I just do not get that…”
Because you THINK with the head between your ears and not w/the other one or your booty! And the sex workers/prostitutes who “perform” in porn using ONLY PREP are even worst.
Stefano
@TrueWords : you are right. The problem is not HIV but the way of behaving of gay men. LOL
TrueWords
@enlightenone: You are correct…one can’t ignore the acceptance and endorsement of high gloss muscled bareback porn (Sean Cody and Corbin Fisher) vs. the stigma crushing Treasure Island Media; we are more polarized than ever. Also the drugs of today do not create that identifying look that so many gay men counted on years ago to passively avoid those who were HIV+…coupled with the sensation that “I should have known better” many are silent about their health to other partners but also to themselves…
TrueWords
Some gay men are drug users that diminish the capacity to think…
Mykaels
I seriously need a news forum where they do not auto assume no gay man ever can be monogamous. This “everyone should pay or have their insurance pay Gilead Industries $1,000 a month for Truvada because gays cannot be honest or monogamous or serious about their health” is getting very old, very tired, very fast.
TrueWords
@Mykaels: yes I hear you but in truth this is what happens when you have a marginalized community of people…they “can” start to feed on each other and give validation to a stereotype…
Gigi Gee
This quote sums it all up: “while some respondents said both they and their partners underwent HIV testing before giving up condoms, others relied simply on the belief that, if their partner was HIV-positive, he would tell them.”
The problem isn’t monogamy, it’s stupidity. Or being too afraid to ask the right questions. Avoiding a discussion for fear of upsetting your new bf, and not asking questions that could save your life.
vive
@TrueWords, to be fair, sex on PrEP (when faithfully adhered to) isn’t “unprotected” sex.
And there is nothing wrong, from the point of view of HIV epidemiology, with non-monogamy or sex with strangers. If that person protects himself with condoms or PrEP or both, he can be safer than many monogamous men who don’t. Let’s not confuse being safe with some Judaeo-Christian idea of morality.
enlightenone
@TrueWords: “Some gay men are drug users that diminish the capacity to think…”
…to be SAFER sex compliant be it one pill a today at least 4 days a week (WITH a condom EVERY TIME) like PREP, using a condom properly and is undamaged (HAVE YOUR OWN for reassurance) in some way.
I love condoms
The stupidity continues….
@vive: I strongly disagree with your statement “sex on PrEP (when faithfully adhered to) isn’t “unprotected” sex. According to the Truvada website, PrEP is known to be ONLY 92% effective if taken regularly and used in combination with safer sex practices, NOT 100%. Also, PrEP doesn’t protect you from all other STDs. Therefore, we should not be spreading mis-information that sex on PrEP isn’t unprotected sex.
enlightenone
@I love condoms: Absolutely! I value/”love” condoms too, makes for a mind at ease to allow for the probability of deep, passionate lovemaking, if you are into such an experience and not afraid of it. I suspect you would appreciate my phrasing and have experienced the same. If so, welcome to the small, but amazing club!
enlightenone
@vive: “And there is nothing wrong, from the point of view of HIV epidemiology, with non-monogamy or sex with strangers.”
I tend to agree from the medical perspective, but I fail to see where @”TRUEWORDS” has said this, but I can see how to could project the idea.
“If that person protects himself with condoms or PrEP or both, he can be safer than many monogamous men who don’t.”
However, it would be BOTH together if you engage in sexual behavior that has the potential to have BLOOD contact for the known safest experience! It’s not as easy as one would tend to think to be 100% complaint w/PREP or proper condom use!
“Let’s not confuse being safe with some Judaeo-Christian idea of morality.”
Surprised @VIVE you went there since @”TRUEWORDS” doesn’t state or insinuate any such moral/religious perspective in his comment? In all due respect, correct me if I am mistaken.
TrueWords
The only way I would have unprotected sex (this include PrEP usage) with a stranger is under the following conditions
1. We walk in and get tested together and we are both negative for ALL diseases
2. We each other in a room for 30-60 days and get tested again and we are both negative for ALL diseases
Anything else is utter and total BULLSHIT and placing way too much trust in a stranger that is trying to get their dick off or their butt pleasured and/or a pill that they may or may not be taking effectively …
TrueWords
The only way I would have unprotected sex (this include PrEP usage) with a stranger is under the following conditions
1. We walk in and get tested together and we are both negative for ALL diseases
2. We are LOCKED in a room for 30-60 days with NO CONTACT from anyone and get tested again and we are both negative for ALL diseases
Anything else is utter and total BULLSHIT and placing way too much trust in a stranger that is trying to get their dick off or their butt pleasured and/or a pill that they may or may not be taking effectively …
AtticusBennett
YUP
i can’t tell you how many times i’ve heard younger guys saying stupid shit like “he’d never cheat on me. we’re in love. we’re boyfriends. we’re in a monogamous relationship”
yeah. right. because nobody has ever lied and cheated on the person they love. or live with. or both.
boys – do what i’ve done for 16 years: PROTECT YOURSELF. monogamous and not using condoms? i can’t stop you from doing it, but i can say “still get tested regularly, as a couple”
TrueWords
@enlightenone: thank you for your clarity…some people read and hear what they want to hear in order to push their agenda…I am unfazed as this is the internet…it is the new place of cloak and dagger, half-truths and conspiracies….
I love condoms
@TrueWords: AMEN!!! Now let’s start a movement to get ALL of our fellow gay men to start thinking the same way about their sexual health.
TrueWords
@I love condoms: to all my gay brothers out there this message is for you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg8Oq_Sd3Bw
TrueWords
Some gay are sex addicts (because the greater gay culture is designed to exploit and enhance that). Go ahead and look at your phone and/or computer see all the hook up apps or sites you have visited in the past week. How about your memberships and/or visiting of sex clubs/ circuit parties yeah because they raise money for HIV/AIDS research while promoting it at the same time…
As Spike Lee said so well…WAKE UP
vive
@I love condoms: “I strongly disagree with your statement “sex on PrEP (when faithfully adhered to) isn’t “unprotected” sex. According to the Truvada website, PrEP is known to be ONLY 92% effective if taken regularly and used in combination with safer sex practices, NOT 100%.”
They have to say that for legal reasons.
But the studies have shown that PrEP alone is at least as effective as condoms alone. When taken every day, PrEP alone had been shown to be at least 99% protective, which is in fact MORE effective than condoms alone. So it is inconsistent of you to call condoms “protective” and PrEP “not protective.”
As for the other serious STIs, apart from Hep B, condoms don’t prevent them, and everyone should be vaccinated against Hep B anyway.
I am in favor of people using condoms, but let’s be realistic – a majority of guys are not using them, for totally understandable reasons. Calling them names doesn’t contribute anything to the discussion.
vive
@enlightenone: “Surprised @VIVE you went there since @”TRUEWORDS” doesn’t state or insinuate any such moral/religious perspective in his comment? In all due respect, correct me if I am mistaken.”
Maybe rereading his comments will enlighten you. 😉
enlightenone
@vive: “Maybe rereading his comments will enlighten you. 😉
Not respectful and uncharacteristic of you/your “comments” on Queerty. I read his comments again before I asked you to inform me. A simple cut/paste would be more constructive and avoids any perceived sarcasm. If you are correct about “TRUEWORDS,” I will redirect my comments to him. This is an important subject for gay young men! Thanks in advance for your cooperation.
TrueWords
@vive: my tone is serious and maybe a little judgmental but my intentions are to provide information
Any guy not using condoms with a virtual stranger is a FOOL…if that is preachy I will embrace it and say YES!!!
TrueWords
Also some gay men think it is time to stop using condoms after 3-6 months of dating…I feel that is way too soon…but this is because many gays men do have a timeline for these things…it is a slippery slope and regret is BITCH!!!
jason smeds
Herd immunity doesn’t just refer to vaccination. It also refers to the protection you gain when you are included in a large, shifting population rather than a small, stagnant population. Any wild-life expert will tell you this when referring to the protection animals receive when being hunted by prey.
The gay scene created by the gay community in the last 50 years represents a relatively small, stagnant population. It lacks the herd immunity of the large and shifting population of the straight scene. A gay man seeking sex with men in the straight scene is far more protected than he is in the gay scene.
TrueWords
@jason smeds: YOU ARE BAT SHIT CRAZY
jason smeds
TrueWords,
Your words don’t contain any merit. They are grade 4 schoolyard standard. Try again.
TrueWords
@jason smeds: if I went any higher in my discourse with you I am confident that my words and logic would go over your head like the Aurora Borealis that occasionally engulf the North Pole…
“The gay scene created by the gay community in the last 50 years represents a relatively small, stagnant population. It lacks the herd immunity of the large and shifting population of the straight scene. A gay man seeking sex with men in the straight scene is far more protected than he is in the gay scene.”
But if a straight man is having sex with a gay man that would negate immunity and place him in the same arena as gay men…if I were to follow that logic then you should explain why Black females are being infected with HIV at alarming rates…should they NOT be protected, I mean the straight black man is having sex occasionally with gay men…where is the immunity…also that did not really help the straight population in Central and South Africa…
DO EXPLAIN…
I love condoms
@jason smeds: Where do you come up with this crazy shit? Since when has the straight community been immune from catching sexually transmitted diseases? Men who identified as straight, but had unprotected sex with Men have died from HIV/AIDS; Straight Women who were in relationships with DL Men, and had unprotected sex, have died from HIV/AIDS.
A gay man seeking sex with men in the straight scene is no more protected than if he’s in the gay scene. I think it’s a reckless and irresponsible theory to be babbling about.
Let’s remember, HIV, if taken seriously is a 100% preventable disease. After 30+ years, the ways in which someone becomes infected with HIV (the exchange of bodily fluids) has not changed.
Protecting one’s self from disease, even if it’s a chronic disease and no longer a 100% fatal one, is only common sense and should be top priority.
onthemark
I@jason smeds: I like how you recommend having sex with a whole “herd” of straight men. That’s hot! So can you tell us, which highway rest areas are the best for this?
MMDD
“At the moment we’re monogamous. But at the same time…there have been occasions when we’ve both been together with other guys, but we use protection in that instance.”
Um…no, playing around together with other guys ? being monogamous.
MMDD
@MMDD: Dammit…that’s supposed to say, “Playing around together with other guys does NOT equal being monogamous.”
QNetter
@Virge: It’s very clear. Now, they’re monogamous. In the past, they weren’t. They didn’t say that had sex with others and were monogamous at the same time.
Do you actually believe that, if you have had sex outside your relationship once, you can never go back to a monogamous agreement?
QNetter
@MMDD: Duh. Learn to read. Now they ARE monogamous. At times in the past, they were NOT.
QNetter
@TrueWords: That’s absolutely an appropriate interval if you test at the beginning and at three months.
Sex with condoms was always intended to be an emergency measure, not superior situation. A decision not to use them should be based on hard and clear knowledge of status, yes, but not “I love you so much and we’ll be together forever so I’m willing to go skin to skin.” We use condoms for prevention of infection, not as an indication of emotional non-commitment.
QNetter
@vive: Condoms are not known to be 100% protective either. And the analysis of the most recent PrEP studies indicate that if used at high (not even perfect) adherence it is at least as protective against HIV as condoms – not a single infection occurred among anyone taking at least four doses a week.
QNetter
@I love condoms: That movement has existed for almost thirty years. And it’s failed miserably. Just screaming “condoms” louder and more frequently isn’t actually influencing anyone, much as it might be nice if it did.
MMDD
@QNetter: Duh. YOU should learn to read. He said, “There have been occasions when we’ve both been together with other guys, but we use [present tense, not past] protection in that instance.” He’s referring to current behavior, and he’s clearly implying that he thinks they’re monogamous when they play around with another guy together. I repeat, that is NOT being monogamous.
vive
@QNetter, yes, that was my point. PrEP shouldn’t be called “unprotected sex,” since it is at least as protective as condoms, possibly more.
vive
@enlightenone: “A simple cut/paste would be more constructive and avoids any perceived sarcasm.”
I didn’t set out to be sarcastic but I admit my comment to you reads as sarcastic. Sorry about that. I don’t want to participate in a flame war with anyone, but let me just say that I was referring to his judgmental tone; e.g., calling some gay people sex “addicts” (no such thing exists in, e.g., the DSM mental disorder classification; it is just a term invented to express moral outrage at behavior some people don’t approve of), judging them for using hookup apps, etc.
A majority of gay men use, e.g., hookup apps, or have casual sex. We won’t get anywhere with fighting HIV if we speak to them in such a schoolmarmish tone.
enlightenone
I appreciate “sorry” that isn’t hallow. Thank you! Although the DSM V doesn’t have a disorder of “sex addiction,” there is sexual impulsivity that many would label as sex addiction! I would say that “sex addiction”/”sex addicts” is about more than “a term invented to express moral outrage” though I appreciate that is the motivation of some like the religious distorted and some self-righteous heteros.
Thinktwice
Monogamy may very well be a key to long life (survival of the fittest) for gays living in the 2000’s. However, only if honesty and truth are practiced — if they aren’t, well, reap the potential consequences — varying degrees of health problems. This goes for hetero as well as homo persons.
Practice honesty and practice truth-telling — and all will be well if you desire monogamy to stay healthy, and only “partner” up after you’ve observed their actions over a long period of time. Respect is earned, not given.
If you catch so called friends or lovers LYING about small things, run! You either practice honesty and truth-telling because your conscience is healthy, vibrant and pure, or you lie, cheat and steal.