With the world falling to pieces, it seems we could all use a little joy in our lives right about now. And while we can’t promise an end to life’s misery anytime soon, we can promise one thing: pride products galore!
That’s right, ’tis the season where it seems every brand is vying for your LGBTQ-shaped heart, including that annoying Facebook friend who’s always trying to sell you those miraculous weight loss shakes (which, if that’s you… girl, it’s time to give it up).
Fortunately, we’ve done the work for you, and rounded up some of the best pride products to get you through these trying times. Some are great, others downright silly – but hey, when you think about it, anything gay is a-OK this pride season.
Peeing after sex isn’t just good manners, it’s the right thing to do! Grab this gem, along with other clothing embroidered with phrases such as “Every Gay is a Blessing,” “Dump Him,” “Make Boys Cry,” and more. Ridiculous? Yes, but in the best way. Each item is hand-stitched by a queer woman, so be nice when ordering. Stitching is hard work! Now, take all my money.
Available via Sicko Stitching, various prices.
Upon first being pitched Just Nips, the “fake nipples designed to make you look cold and feel HOT,” I almost LOL-ed them out of my inbox. “Are hard nipples a common thing women strive for?” I asked my coworkers, in the most HR-friendly way possible. “I don’t get it, unless you’re trying to be like Jennifer Aniston?” one of them replied.
Still thinking this was a joke, I asked Molly Borman, founder and CEO of the company. “I love when people don’t get what Just Nips is all about,” she says, “because it gives me an opportunity to explain how valuable we are to so many different communities. Hard nipples are attention grabbers in every capacity, and the fact that we can use that to our advantage to help out in the trans community and breast cancer world every single day is obviously the best part.”
Well, touché, Just Nips. You got me!
Available via Just Nips for $9.99 – $24.99
Crumble Co.’s Pride Box Collection
Let’s face it. Being gay can be utterly exhausting. So why not relax a bit by opening a bottle of wine, firing up that candle warmer, and surrounding yourself with the sweet scent of extra queer wax melts? The wax melts found in Crumble Co.’s Pride Box Collection are some of the best in the biz. Each box contains 10 exclusive LGBTQ+ wax melts with super cute packaging, and awesome scents like “Gay Pride” (described as the ‘fruitiest of fruit salads!’), “Trans Pride” (Sea breeze, pineapple, melon & coconut milk), “Androgynous & Fabulous” (Cranberries & tart raspberry), and more.
Available via Crumble Co. for $70; Individual bricks available for $7 (Side note: Not only are their products great, but every single member of the Crumble Co. team I spoke with when researching this was a complete dream, and so nice. Can I buy them too?!)
Disabled People Are Hot Shirt
Just in case you need reminding, Andrew Gurza, the Queerties Award-nominated gay and disabled podcaster and creator of the viral hashtag, #DisabledPeopleAreHot, has the t-shirt or tank top for you.
Available via Podcast Jukebox for $19.99 – $23.99
This one’s for all those out there who wish do their Zoom meetings in comfort and style. Available in a variety of sizes, from XS to 4X, TomboyX’s gender neutral clothing is bursting with joy, and their 2020 Pride collection is no exception. The company – founded and run by badass queer couple, Fran Dunaway and Naomi Gonzalez – prides itself on championing the LGBTQ community all year long, not just in June.
“We aren’t doing this to jump on a trend or a fad,” Dunaway told Queerty last year. “We have been here a long time. We are gay owned and operated, so it’s personal to us. It really matters to us in a way that is just part of our DNA.”
Shope their 2020 Pride Collection at TomboyX
Omnom Caramel + Milk Pride Bar
America’s a complete dumpster fire, so why not get your chocolate from Iceland? Omnom, the company behind the Caramel + Milk Pride Bar – which combines creamy milk chocolate with gobs of delicious caramel – has been an official sponsor of Reykjavik Pride in Iceland since 2017. On top of that, the packaging is as beautiful as any man you could have seen at Pride this year.
Available via Amazon for $8.99
Seattle Chocolate Pride Care Package
OK who are we kidding? One pride chocolate bar is clearly not enough, so why not purchase an ENTIRE chocolate bar care package?! The folks at Seattle Chocolate are onto something here, and my gay ass can’t get enough. Each care package includes a Pride Truffle Bag (truffle flavors include Milk Chocolate, Champagne, Hiker’s Trail Mix, Peanut Butter, Dark Chocolate and Blackberry Creme, HELLLLLLO!), a jcoco Prism Gift Box (such wonderful colors!) and a celebratory pride postcard (if you’re not gonna call your mom, the least you could do is send her this postcard).
Best of all, a percentage of sales of this care package goes to GSBA, Washington State’s LGBTQ and allied chamber of commerce, and to food bank programs in three states… so legally you have to buy it now.
Available via Seattle Chocolate for $55
Pride Edition Sport Band for Apple Watch
Why tell regular time when you can tell GAY time?!
Available via Apple for $49
Lady Gaga‘s Chromatica Jockstrap
This is anything but an illusion. We now live in a world where Lady Gaga is selling jockstraps to the masses. Now if only I had the confidence to wear such an item (curse you demons who never gave me an ass!) I wouldn’t need a million reasons to buy 3,000 of these. Gaga, please never stop being you.
Available via Lady Gaga’s website for $30 (includes her new album too!)
Thoughtful Human greeting cards
Pride isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. For many LGBTQ folks (especially those in the closet), June can be a difficult month. Fortunately, these dandy little cards may help.
Thoughtful Human was created by Ali O’Grady in 2017, who through the loss of her father to cancer developed a way to navigate and jumpstart conversations around difficult life moments, through greeting cards. She has created different series of cards for difficult conversations like addiction, depression, and you guessed it, coming out. Hey, I came out over a Facebook message, which is easily 500 levels below a greeting card, so why not?
Available in different varieties via Thoughtful Human for $5.25
Rainbow Pecker Pops
Sure they are made of sugar, but damn, Pecker Pops, buy a girl dinner first!
Available via Bachelorette.com for $6.99.
Cake Topper Brut IPA by Elysian Brewing
Dessert-flavored beer? Sign this basic bitch up! One year after the Supreme Court sided with a baker who refused to make a cake for a same-sex couple, the LGBTQ-friendly folks at Elysian Brewing came up with a drinkable cake of their own, and released it in honor of marriage equality.
Elysian describes the flavor of this Brut IPA as “fruity, creamy, wedding cake,” which are the exact same flavors I look for in a boyfriend. On the real though, I was able to try this, and it had me saying “I DO!” upon first sip. It’s super fruity-fierce with a creamy, cakey aftertaste.
Available in the Seattle area, with nationwide roll-out next year. Find an Elysian beer near you here.
LGBTQ Rainbow Pride Face Mask
Finally, I don’t care what that quack-a-doodle conspiracy theory video, meme, or friend from Montana who has no medical credentials tells you, listen to the CDC and wear a f*cking mask in public, and wear it with pride!