Children. They are one of life’s greatest joys. They are also one of life’s greatest pains… particularly when it comes to disrupting their parents’ sex lives… and especially when their parents are into kink.
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A group of parents recently sat down down with Vice to talk about navigating the waters of parenthood and kinky sex.
“I am kinky by nature,” 35-year-old Chris from New Jersey says. “Just because you have kids doesn’t mean kink is over. You may have to slow down for a minute; you may have to put in on the side, but you’re not going to forget it.”
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Chris and his wife have two children, one three and one 19-months.
“I’m bisexual, but I haven’t actually had sex with another man,” he says. “I’d love to do it. I am a sexual bottom and the best term I use to describe my sexuality is ‘sensation slut.'”
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Chris says he likes being “on the receiving end of things” and feeling out of control, hence his interest in bottoming for another man.
“I like pushing myself to the limits of the sensations I receive, good or bad,” he says.
He and his wife are very much into kink and have a locker in their bathroom filled with sex toys–hoods, gags, latex gloves, plugs, whips, electric shockers, you name it. For now, they keep their kinky behavior a closely-guarded secret, but Chris expects that one day he’ll have to address it with his kids.
“They’re three and one and a half,” he says. “In another ten years, I’m going to have to have a conversation with them that’s a little more serious. I hope to be as honest as I can without providing specific details.”
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James from Wisconsin is 31 and in a similar boat. He and his wife have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old. He identifies and straight, “but truthfully I’m heteroflexible.”
“I like people who are feminine with little regard to what genitals they have,” he explains. “I’m a dominant male, with some sadistic undertones, but I spend 99 percent of my time as just a vanilla dad and husband.”
“Our son is of an age where he finds things even if we try desperately to hide them,” he says. “My spouse and I have always said we will be in a sex-positive home, even as our kids learn what a vibrator is and that those Velcro straps on our bed are for momma.”
He continues: “We want our children to be comfortable in their skin and to know they are beautiful and not to be hidden in some weird standard placed by Puritans hundreds of years ago who would stone us for enjoying sex if they had their way.”
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“Kink isn’t something to be ashamed of,” he says, “and your kids will respect honesty more than a person who is afraid of themselves and their needs.”
Joe T
I really, really don’t think their kids need to know what the velcro straps on the be are for. I don’t know of any kids who want to know about their parents’ sex lives.
Bauhaus
“Kink isn’t something to be ashamed of,” he says, “and your kids will respect honesty more than a person who is afraid of themselves and their needs.”
Kids respect honesty, but they also need to respect privacy, and have clear boundaries when it comes to what’s off limits.
ChrisK
@Joe T: We did and it didn’t hurt us kids one bit. Of coarse we didn’t respect the boundaries though. We made it our mission to get into our parents sexual business. They were kinky fucks too. Swingers and porn lovers. Kids are sexual beings too and naturally curious.
ChrisK
To a kid finding your dad and moms porn stach was like buried treasure.
Brian
My experience is that the husband is the kinky one whereas the woman goes along with it in order to please her husband. She doesn’t want to lose him, and thus seeks to go along with whatever pleases him.
In general, men don’t lose their powerful sex drives just because they get married. They keep them at bay for the sake of the marriage and nuclear family.
Jack Meoff
What has this article about straight peoples sex lives got to do with the gay community. Is it deemed relevant just because it is discussing kink? That would imply that all gay people are into kink which is untrue. It is nothing more than a not very in depth article about straight couples sex lives nothing more. Why is it here?
Ksb1978
@Jack Meoff: they aren’t straight, they’re bi which means they’re queer men. Most bi guys marry women. More than 84% of bi people marry/have long term relationships with someone of the opposite sex. I’m bi myself, but I advocate for bi people in same sex relationships we don’t get enough rep. I hate the whole” opposite sex is for love and same sex is only for sex”
Jack Meoff
@Ksb1978: Aside from the title there wasn’t a whole lot about bisexuality in the article. One guy who claims he’s bi despite never having had sex with a man which sounds good in theory but until he’s acted on it I’m not buying it. The other guy mentioned it in passing but is really all about his hetero relationship. Again sounds good in theory. It’s not the theory that this can happen that I was commenting on but that this article was really more about straight kink and that these hetero normative couples considered being bi a kink. The title was somewhat misleading.
I do like the point you make about being an advocate of bi people in same sex relationships and hating the whole “opposite sex is for love and same sex is only for sex” thing because that really gets my goat as well. Most bi men are on the down low so they can maintain their straight privilege so I am all for visibility of bi’s in same sex relationships.
Captain Obvious
Uh… what kid wants to know their parent’s sex life? Is it really that hard to lock a door?
Heywood Jablowme
If these parents DO talk to these kids about kink, these kids will grow up to be the most boring, vanilla prudes ever. Or maybe join Catholic or Buddhist monasteries & convents. Or be utterly traumatized into asexuality!
Brian
@Ksb1978: I don’t consider these men bi or queer or whatever label you wish to apply. Labels are not very accurate, and can indeed be very misleading.
I just consider them sexual men. Yes, sexual. Many men are sexual and can do either gender.
RainLevity
I’m disappointed that this article didn’t actually address the topic espoused by the title.