Hi Jake,
I’m in my early 30s and living in Miami Beach. It’s already May and “Hot Gay Summer” is approaching like a speeding train, but I don’t feel like my body is anywhere close to where it needs to be.
“Hot Gay Summer” for me means going to the various beach and pool parties, outdoor concerts, dance parties and Prides, and then traveling to P-town for the 4th of July. All my friends have bodies that are close to perfection, and I don’t want to stand out or be judged by them.
My whole summer depends upon looking a certain way. It’s been a stressful time with work, and it’s been harder to get back on a regular workout schedule after the pandemic. I’m starting to panic. What should I do?
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Summertime Sadness
Dear Summertime Sadness,
Grinding in a sea of perfect, sweaty torsos on a hot summer night is a gay image as old as time. However, it’s also one that can require a lot of work, stress, and pressure that we put upon ourselves to meet certain standards and expectations.
If you watched the recent Abercrombie & Fitch doc on Netflix, there are standards of beauty put out into the world that are exclusionary and nearly impossible to reach, making everyone else either want to be them, or feel bad about themselves that they aren’t.
Here’s the thing about this unspoken “rule” that you have to be ripped and hot to fit in with a certain group: almost everyone trying to meet those standards feels exactly the way you do.
I meet with gay clients every week who feel insecure, less than, and not good enough because of the way they look, or even what race they are, because they are still allowing themselves to be ruled by outdated notions of perfection that have followed gay men since the dawn of time. The standard is an illusion. There is no actual expectation written somewhere in the Gay Bible. It’s up to each of us to define and create a sense of self-worth and acceptance for ourselves, and not give in to the culture.
Unfortunately, much of what was illustrated in the Abercrombie and Fitch doc is still alive today in gay culture. Without knowing too many details about your personal life and activities, I wonder if finding some other friends outside this particular friend group, who are connecting on things other than hookups, validation, or being attractive might be healthier for you. Not all gay men hold themselves to those standards, and if the “whole summer depends on how you look”, isn’t that setting yourself up for a cruel, cruel summer?
Starting this month, re-calibrate the standards you hold yourself to, and don’t give your power away to the unattainable. Your body is not your only “currency”. How you fall prey to or reject gay standards has a direct affect on your mental health. Talking through this with an expert gay therapist can be really helpful as well. It may be time to turn down the heat on hot gay summer, and find a way to be cool for the summer instead.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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white-queer-african
Good heavans above! The biggest worry for Summertime Sadness should be living in Miami Beach. In the backyard of Ron DesSantis and the orange turd. Cupcake, my advice would be to GTFO of there before summer hits. Hot tanned bod or not, you are an undesirable in that backward state!
cuteguy
The biggest worry should be living in the banana republic under Ron Deathsantis. If you’re that much of a masochist, go ahead and invest in an eating disorder if you’re that obsessed with looks, and you will have a twink body in no time. It’s no different than the steroids pumped into the others. It looks good but at what cost. I only maintain my muscular body through clean eating (which is not eating if you’re not used to it) and regular weight intervals. I dabbed in steroids a few years back just for a cycle or two. I ended looking great but felt like shiz. Never again.
ncman
Now that you’ve read this piece about body positivity from our LGBTQ therapist, we invite you to go check out our weekly posting of “InstaStuds” just to bring you back to the reality of the community.
JustMuscles1
What makes a person hot is their confidence in who they are and someone who has a heart of gold! After all, beauty is skin deep, but ugly is all the way through!
boblrice
I’d really like to agree with you, but based on your moniker, I’m feeling that your comments might run a bit hollow.
roddy
Vanity, vanity . . . thy name is Vanity!
Josh in OR
For what it’s worth, a big part of the gay male obsession with smooth, muscles, tanned, young men stems from the HIV/AIDS crisis. Back when we didn’t know exactly HOW the disease spread (but we knew it came with lesions), seeing a fit, healthy young man with clear skin meant he was likely ‘safe’ to hook up with. Men who kept their shirts on at clubs became something to avoid, because…what might they be hiding under there?
Though, of course, we know better NOW, considering how many of our elders we lost to that disease, it’s impossible to overstate how the body image obsession took root in young, terrified men and never really…went away. And as gay men tend to be the progenitors of a lot of what becomes mainstream fashion, young, smooth, muscled men became the objective goal…no matter the reality that we all get older, and most of us can’t ever attain the sort of perfection that became expected. So, if you’re lamenting unfair body image standards, thank HIV/AIDS (and the Reagan administration’s inaction on it), the gift that keeps on…uh…giving?
charmin88
Florida is lost to the conservative weirdos. It’s the new Texas with better weather. I don’t know how they were able to take one of the use to be beautiful states to vacation a year or two back. Well atleast theres las Vegas for now.
Heywood Jablowme
Jake and “Summertime Sadness” are talking past each other here. “Sadness” complains that “My whole summer depends upon looking a certain way” and how it’s hard “to get back on a regular workout schedule.” He apparently wants some pointers on how to look perfect in time for the solstice (6 weeks away).
Jake replies with a lot of platitudes about positive body image and developing a “sense of self-worth and acceptance for ourselves.” Blah blah blah! Poor shallow “Sadness” won’t be able to make any sense of that stuff.
Me2
Ugh I was once this person. But then I realized that I couldn’t constantly live up to self imposed interpretations of what other people thought of me. The pressure I put myself under was unhealthy and the few extra looks & hook ups I experienced weren’t worth it. When I stopped trying to fit in by appearing nearly perfect, life changed for the better.