Hi Jake,
I just started dating this guy and, well, let’s just say he’s packing a pistol down there! I’ve never been much of a size queen, but even I go kind of goo-goo eyed when we’re getting it on. So, here’s my dilemma: I’m not as, ahem, large as him. I’d say I’m more average. But because of this, it almost feels silly for me to be the aggressor and top him. So far, we’ve only done other things in bed, but I know the time will come to take it all the way. How do I accept that my size automatically puts me in the receptive role? I consider myself vers, so I guess I’m fine with that. I just don’t want to seem ridiculous trying to top when he’s clearly so much more manly than me.
Please help,
Dwarfed and Dumbfounded
Dear Dwarfed & Dumfounded,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Despite the Toderick Hall song, the size of your BDE isn’t everything, and certainly doesn’t have to define what you do in the bedroom. The position or role one takes during sex should be about personal preference and that alone. Playing “top” or “bottom” is a dance that partners engage in relating to fantasies and desires, power and control, and pleasing one another. Sometimes there is an element of dominance or passiveness, control or powerlessness, but even those can flip back and forth. It really comes down to what feels erotic, exciting, and pleasurable for each partner.
People often confuse traits like being bulky, tall, or in this case, having a large penis with somehow being more aggressive, dominant, or “masculine”, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. A large penis does not make someone more “manly” by any means. In fact, in today’s world of gender identity exploration, we know that a sex organ isn’t what defines one’s gender identity.
Taking it a step further, even if one partner is clearly more “masc” than the other, we should separate this from any assigned roles in the bedroom. The idea that the top is “masculine” and the bottom is “feminine” comes from outdated misogynistic views that have trickled down in society for centuries. Pleasure and preferences don’t have to correspond with how much you swish your hips or how “gay” you talk, just as they don’t have to relate to physical body traits.
As you move into the next phase of your relationship with your new boyfriend, I encourage you to explore. You can do that by talking to him about what your curiosities and speaking up if something is pleasurable or not. You get to decide what’s right for you. Give yourself that freedom.
If you’re more shy, it can also help to talk about these more intimate subjects with an understanding therapist. The goal is to decide what feels right for you, while releasing all expectations, ideas of “masculinity” or “femininity”, or assessing by your physical appearance. There are bottoms with giant members, just as there are tops with smaller ones, and that doesn’t make them any more or less equipped for the task at hand.
Some people may want to fetishize a large member, and that’s perfectly fine, if it’s a turn on for both partners. But for others, it’s irrelevant. You get to decide what you want to do sexually by deciding what feels good or right for you, and seeing if that aligns with your partner. The gay community has often been infatuated with size, and while it’s one aspect of a person that can be a turn on, make sure not to give away all your power to the penis.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
Give LGBTQ Therapy Space on follow on social, and ask Jake a question!
Instagram
Facebook
Twitter
You can also email Jake at [email protected]
Chrisk
“In fact, in today’s world of gender identity exploration, we know that a sex organ isn’t what defines one’s gender identity.”
Oh lord. We’re talking about sex. Not transsexuals or mental illness.
baccav
as a “hung top” I enjoy a little “D” . It isn’t always about being
the top.
JoshGL
“How do I accept that my size automatically puts me in the receptive role?”
Lie back and think of England.
Then send him over to my place because I can do things with my index finger which will prompt him to ejaculate over his shoulder.
Jack
I don’t know about y’all, but finding ANY top in this world is a needle in a gaystack I’m going to bet Mr. Big D is a big old bottom.
DarkZephyr
Truly? I find mostly tops. Maybe it has something to do with which subgroup you are a part of too.
SDR94103
stupidest question of the day.
Huron132
Really? Why be so negative. Don’t be an ass. No and I mean no question is stupid, or dumb. If you don’t ask questions you will never know anything in life. Grow up!
Cam
This seems like the type of thing a straight woman writing as a gay man would publish thinking it makes sense.
D*ck size “Automatically” puts you in a role? I call B.S. on this one.
Huron132
Agreed a big one is part of the person. Not their complete manner. Enjoy it, play with it and have the best sex period. Top or bottom you both can switch and have the best sex ever!!
Matthewnow
Another salacious vapid article. This site is getting common.
Chrisk
You do realize there are other sites that cater to more serious topics don’t you? No one’s holding you here.
hansniemeijer
I pity people who think that size matters, they are “size queens”. I also pity “label queens” where brands matter. And when it comes to food and drink, smaller portions are better for you.
Chrisk
People like what they like. This is usually said by insecure tops with small weens in my experience.
AZ71
I think its quite the opposite. I know lots of very hung men who end up being bottoms because its a lot of work to have sex when you’re insanely large. Its easier just to be the bottom and let the normal guy take over. People’s position preference often has nothing to do with the size of their genitalia either.
Mack
A couple has to do what is mutually agreeable to each other. If you like only to be a bottom, then find a top that wants to do that exclusively. Personally I like both.
Prax07
Could be geography too, for lack of tops. Just so happens the area I’m in has an overabundance of bottoms. Myself included in that overabundance. My area also has an overabundance of closeted married guys, who mostly seem to want to bottom when they’re ready for gay sex. Even the rare few “tops” I come across want their holes filled, which is disheartening to say the least. Nine times out of ten when a guy messages me after a conversation or two he says he wants to be topped. Which instantly kills us hooking up. Full on tops are the unicorn around here.
OldGuySeenItAll
Location please. Please!
JeffBaker
About 35 years ago, just out of college, I was in a relationship with a guy whose endowment was ‘average.” Me, I’m hung pretty good. I was happily his bottom. Our relationship was great. We went from friends with benefits to something more and it would have lasted longer if he had. (Accident.) I didn’t even ask for our physical relationship to be different and I don’t think I ever would have! It was never about size. He was just naturally a “take charge guy.” Our relationship “felt right” the way it was! (I’m happily married to another guy today but I won’t forget!
CityguyUSA
The bigger the dick the faster their ass is up in the air has always been my experience bar 2.
Bromancer7
Yes, yes it does. Those are the rules.
MrMichaelJ
Sorry but the battle of the bulge only happens when both guys want to top which is like never. I’m a top and only once has a guy ever insisted on doing it.
sfhairy
Yes, Jan, you are now the bottom forever, or at least until you leave him and date someone with a smaller dick. Those are the gay rules.
Thad
Isn’t sex fascinating?