Research finds young men are more ravenous than ever for older guys. Is gay ageism a thing of the past?

The term “daddy” has existed for centuries, but over time, its meaning has evolved to refer to desirable older men. Not only has the popularity of the term increased, but same-sex male couples, more than any other type of pairing, are by far more likely to gravitate towards this special kind of dynamic.

In his new book, Daddies of a Different Kind: Sex and Romance Between Older and Younger Adult Gay Men, author and researcher Tony Silva analyzes the stories of gay and bisexual daddies in a qualitative research project, interviewing 39 older men and 26 younger men about their May/December relationships.

Much to his surprise, Silva learned the desire for younger queer men to partner with much older queer men has skyrocketed, directly contradicting old narratives that ageism is rampant in gay culture.

In an exclusive interview, he speaks to Queerty about why young gay men are so ravenous for daddies, and what makes these relationships so meaningful to both parties involved. Check out what he had to say…

Queerty: Congratulations on the book and the study. What fascinated me most about it was that not only are gay daddies being more accepted on dating apps, but they might possibly be getting more attention than non-daddies. What created “daddy mania” out there?

SILVA: For a large segment of the gay community, there is major interest right now in older men and daddies. A lot of the prior research on this topic has focused on something like ageism within the gay community. While it certainly exists, we’re seeing something which is the exact opposite of that!

I talked to the participants about why they thought daddies might be more popular or sought after, and a lot of them thought it was apps, and it makes sense. Apps can connect people of many different social networks, who might not otherwise meet in person. I also think apps have shifted norms to make certain practices more acceptable, like relationships between older and younger men.

That’s a really amazing finding to be able to contradict previous reporting around the ageism in our culture, and actually say, “No, here’s evidence of something different.”

Absolutely. Although it seems like there is an upper limit. The oldest man I talked to was 70, and beyond that point, men probably do experience ageism. But for least a lot of men in midlife, 40’s through 60’s, it seems like there’s quite a bit of interest in them right now.

What is the youngest age you’ve come across someone who identifies as a daddy because of their daddy energy?

There’s a debate right now about the extent to which age is connected to daddyness. I asked men, “What are some of the key characteristics of being a daddy?” The guys I talked to, both older and younger, gave somewhat contradictory responses.

A lot of them said, “Oh, age isn’t as important as these other characteristics, like being in charge or being assertive and mentoring of younger adult men.” But, then others said, “Age is an important component of it.” So, there are some mixed responses there.

I think the takeaway is age is an important component of being a daddy, but not the only one. Although we hear these messages that daddy is a state of mind, it’s a bit more than that too.

@agegapguys

? ily (i love you baby) – Surf Mesa

As a therapist, I was interested to hear about younger guys wanting older guys to garner a feeling of being “taken care of” by someone with emotional maturity. What other daddy features are the biggest turn-ons for younger guys who are into older daddies?

A lot of the younger guys I talked to overwhelmingly said they found men around their own age (guys in their 20s or early 30s) to be really immature, and were not looking for the same things. They’re interested in someone who is not only emotionally mature and stable, but might also be looking for a relationship. They reported older guys were also better at communication. A lot of the younger men were also attracted to stability. Older men seemed to have a better handle on their life, and just had everything much more in order than younger men.

Of course, younger guys were also physically attracted to older men. I think in wider society, there’s a stereotype that younger people might be interested in older folks just because of money, which is definitely not the case here. Younger men said they found older men very physically attractive: gray hair, silver, beards, salt and pepper hair.

A lot of the younger guys, too, they struck me as very mature, and they appreciated being able to connect with somebody who they felt like was also mature. Some of them describe themselves as “old souls”, so just felt like they had better chemistry with guys who are substantially older.

Let’s talk a little bit more about that physical attraction component. You write about the importance of mentorship and nurturance, and daddy relationships, even around how to have fulfilling sex. What are the ways in which older guys mentor their younger lovers when it comes to sex?

Mentorship, sexual and otherwise, is an important theme. It was really heartwarming to hear that there’s so much emotional intimacy in these relationships.

When it came to sex, a lot of what older and younger men described was older men being able to be more communicative in sex, knowing what they’re interested in, and checking in with the other person to make sure they’ve consented to everything, and were into it.

Older men, in younger men’s experience, were quite a bit more caring, and it was less about just getting off. One participant said it was about actually having an emotional connection, plus fulfilling sex. Also, younger guys appreciated the physical components outside of actual sex, like cuddling, kissing, et cetera.

A lot of the older guys described quite literally teaching some younger adult men what it meant to have sex, modeling it so that younger guys could take it into future encounters, especially since sex ed is not something that most people get when it comes to sex between two men.

A guy who’s in his early 20s, he’s probably not all that experienced, and it’s beneficial for him to be with somebody who has more experience, be with someone who’s non-judgmental, and learn about what it what it takes to have a fulfilling sexual encounter for both partners.

You also talk about masculinity and how often times older guys are seen as masculine, which gives younger men the freedom to either embrace their masculinity or their femininity. Does it ever work the other way, where an older man can identify as a daddy but embrace his feminine side?

All the men I talked to described older men, or at least daddies, as “masculine.” So, it did seem like there was an implicit understanding of daddies as connected to masculinity.

For younger men, there was a lot more diversity in experience, including allowing older men’s masculinity to help younger men embrace their femininity, and release the pressure on themselves to also be masculine.

That’s something that hasn’t been explored in a lot of previous research. Younger men saw being with older men as a way to really be more authentically themselves in terms of their gender expression.

For some people you talked to, it seemed “daddyness” was an energy, more than about actual age. What can a person do to harness their gay daddy energy?

I think being assertive, not necessarily always dominant, although a lot of men did describe consensual dominance as a feature of “daddyness”. Also, having genuine care for other people. So, not just that performative aspect of being dominant in the bedroom, which some men did describe as something they found attractive, but an emotional connection or nurturing to make sure everybody benefited from the experience.

You talk a little bit about how daddies can have “fathering” instincts. Is there anything to the old Freudian theories that if you’re into much older daddies, you have unresolved “daddy issues”?

For a small percentage of people, certainly their experience is related to unresolved concerns with their own father driving interest in in being with older men, but for most people, that’s not what’s going on at all.

@jeremyt_

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What’s the biggest thing that surprised you in your research about the daddy relationships in gay culture?

Demographic research all across the western world shows that man/man couples have a higher commonality of age gaps than woman/woman couples, or man/woman couples, and that’s not changing. In fact, in terms of romantic partnerships, it looks like those rates are staying quite high.

There’s also a lot going on which is not romantic, necessarily, but is in the context of hookups, or friends with benefits, or casual dating. Gay and bisexual men remain very distinct, and this continues to be a special and important part of their culture.

It also struck me too that many of the men I talked to did not seek a romantic partnership with somebody substantially older or younger, because of what they perceived as complications associated with that partnership. So, there were men who felt that they were in somewhat of a bind, especially younger men, who felt attraction to older men, but at the same time feared what the future might look like if they were to romantically partner with an older man. Yet, they still formed these really meaningful relationships with older men (friends with benefits and otherwise).

Also, gay and bisexual men have by far the highest rate of open relationships with any group, and in this case, that went hand in hand with forming meaningful non-romantic relationships with adults much older or younger.

Daddies of a Different Kind: Sex and Romance Between Older and Younger Adult Gay Men is out now.

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