If you could see me now, the first thing you’d probably notice is this: I’m black. There’s no denying or hiding it–not that I ever would. So dear white men: It’s OK to call me as you see me. No need to tip-toe with “African American.” “Black” works just fine.
Although I often write about racism and stupid things some white guys sometimes say on Grindr, I don’t spend all my time scolding and correcting them in real life.
I prefer not to hear certain things–comments and questions about the alleged endowment of all black men being chief among them–but just because something can be misconstrued as racist or tone deaf doesn’t mean I object. Among them…
1. “I know it’s racist, but is it bad to laugh at this?”
That’s what Kass, the Czech guy I’m dating in Prague, asked me when he sent me a tweet with a picture of a five-year-old boy named Klansmyn.
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I wasn’t as amused as he was, but I understood why he got the giggles. Racism can be funny. But there’s a difference between laughing at the idiotic lengths to which racist parents will go, or at an episode of All in the Family, and laughing at a person cracking racist jokes while wearing blackface.
2. “You remind me of a [insert animal here].”
Kass once told me a story about a white friend who got all judge-y on him when he shared a tweet comparing the rapper A$AP Rocky to the titular star of the 2002 movie Scooby-Doo.
“That’s racist,” his pal commented.
Not really. There’s a difference between comparing black people to monkeys, apes, and gorillas, and pointing out that a photo of a black man wearing a Gucci scarf over his head makes him look like an animated character that happens to be a dog from a specific movie scene.
Context is everything.
3. “I’m not into rap… or hip hop… or Michael Jackson.”
Morrissey once said in an interview that he’s not a fan of rap because all rappers sound alike. To me, it was a ridiculous thing for a musician to say.
Yes, rap, like all forms of music, can be repetitive and superfluous, but if you can’t tell the difference between, say, Drake and Jay-Z, you probably need to have your hearing checked.
Morrissey’s words had the whiff of “All black people look alike.” That said, if hip hop isn’t your thing, if you’d rather listen to Cole Porter than J. Cole, fine. I’m perfectly happy to use Deborah Harry and Iggy Pop singing “Well, Did You Evah!” as a sex soundtrack.
4. “I secretly didn’t like Black Panther… or BlacKkKlansman… or If Beale Street Could Talk.”
I love that black cinema has never been more Oscar-caliber. That doesn’t mean everyone has to like all of it. I wouldn’t side-eye a white guy because he’d rather Netflix and chill with Roma.
5. “I don’t think [insert black celebrity here] is hot.”
Not feeling one of us isn’t the same as not feeling any of us.
6. “Bill Cosby deserves to be in prison, and R. Kelly should join him!”
Whites don’t have to be #TeamBlackStar to please me. It’s not like R. Kelly’s fans aren’t still streaming his music in droves. And although John Legend has spoken out against him, and Lady Gaga and Celine Dion removed their R. Kelly duets from streaming services, many of his other famous collaborators are standing by the man through their silence.
He’ll be OK without us on his side.
7. “Kevin Hart doesn’t deserve to host the gayest Oscars in history.”
I’m an ally when I need to be, but I have no problem calling out black celebrities, even for crimes less serious than sexual assault. Some people might view the controversy over the homophobic past of would-be 2019 Oscar host Hart as Hollywood racism in action, but it’s not like the LGBTQ community only goes after black people for saying and doing dumb things.
If white people are uncomfortable criticizing black celebrities around me, they should pretend they’re hating on Eminem.
8. “As a black man, how do you feel about…?”
I appreciate a white person who doesn’t ignore the elephant in a crowded room when I’m the only black person in it. Being racially aware, however, need not devolve into whitesplainin’. I once had dinner with a white Scottish guy in Cape Town who frowned when the waitress put the check on the table between us but closer to him.
“That used to happen all the time with my black boyfriend,” he announced. “The waiter always laid the check down in front of me.”
When I said I didn’t have a problem with where she put the check, he tried to explain to me the intricacies of black, white, and delivering restaurant bills. I’m always up for a robust discussion about racism, but I live with it every day. I know it when I see it, and I’ll never need a white person to explain to me how it works.
9. “My mother/father/grandmother/grandfather is racist.”
I believe to condone or ignore racism is to be complicit in it, but I wouldn’t hold the sins of the parents or grandparents against the younger generation, not even after grandma asks if her grandson’s new black boyfriend’s penis is black, too. And yes, that actually happened.
10. The N-word
“N—-r” stings–especially when it’s used by a person who isn’t black. But I don’t expect white people to use “the N-word” for the N-word when talking about racism.
Green Book‘s Viggo Mortensen recently caught flak for not using “the N-word” when describing the racial politics of the 1960s. My take: If you aren’t going to crucify an actor for playing a character who says it onscreen, why nail an actor to the cross for saying it when trying to make a historical point in real life?
The next time I’m Spotify-ing with a white guy who’s rapping along to Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble,” I won’t expect him to use “the N-word” instead of the N-word–not when Lamar never does.
Vince
Jeremy just screams insecurity. I get the expectations and not measuring up but I’ve never seen someone so uptight about it.
Godabed
Black people are not a monolith, and this person does not speak for me
Elf92
I agree. This is weirdly too much. Oddly desperate even if it was not intended to be perceived that way, its seeking white validation.
a_blk_nrd
Today of all days, this is the day Queerty wants to publish this mess? All I know is if a white man comes up to me rapping K dot’s “Be humble” and raps every word, we gonna be fighting. Let Jeremy be out here thinking it’s acceptable to say the N-word to a black person. It hasn’t been. It ain’t now. It never will be. Period.
PinkoOfTheGange
No where does Jeremy say anything about a white guy doing the full version of lyrics of any song. Only that in context of a specific type of discussion is using the word appropriate.
jasentylar
I’m hip. This is that Ellen shit all over again. Hey Jeremy, you don’t speak for all Black people. Take your platform and be a bit more responsible. I wish a white person would say the n-word in my presence.
PinkoOfTheGange
He is only writing for himself note all the “I”s in the 1st paragraph.
andreleneal
This entire article is a problem. The idea that someone would be inspired or empowered to say any of these things speaks to a lack of cultural competency. The fact the author is ready to field and excuse racialized questions – hard to perceive, but Black People don’t feel like Other until we get Othered – indicates his need for White Approval. Love yourself and check their privilege, bruh.
PinkoOfTheGange
So share a counter point.
jeff1370
I think he did a great job explaining “his” opinion. It isn’t our job to monitor his thoughts.
Sapphireone
Dear Author,
How sad that you’ve chosen to be an apologist for ignorant white men. Do you hate yourself THAT much?
Readers: This dude has his own issues. Ignore his “advice.”
PinkoOfTheGange
So it seems out of ten point’s most commenters, that bother to even hint at what they find wrong with the piece, have issue with just one point.
So does he have it right on the other 9, or are there specific issues with those too, and you all are just building the suspense?
Usually he just makes me roll my eyes and think okay sure, but this time I got to see where he is coming from, and being an adult, I am smart enough to know that these are his opinions on the way he deals with the situations, but by sharing them it gives us some way to approach the topics with others.
Thad
These are supposedly things I CAN say when conversing with black men. Those of you howling, would you rather I not talk with you at all?
gymmuscleboy
Stop writing racist articles. You do not have the authority to tell others how to act.
This trash has nothing to do with being gay and does not belong on this site.
Thad
Hmmm…I thought this article was promoting communication.
gymmuscleboy
@Thad In what kind of authoritarian dystopia is this promoting communication? This is the opposite of what Martin Luther King promoted. MLK promoted individualism, not telling white people to treat black people as though they are different.
Elf92
In his last years MLK also was reported (by personal friends) to regret his position on segregation, walked around armed, because he feared being shot death by white supremacist and adjacents. And his fears were realised when he got shot dead by James Earl Ray. Why when referencing MLK some people forget these interesting facts to prove a point. Why omit these facts?
gymmuscleboy
@Elf92 Sure, what MLK spent his life advocating was wrong, and instead you are right. Of course, let’s all treat each other differently based on the colour of our skin.
Elf92
@gymmuscleboy there are written accounts of this. Never said I was right. Journalists, historians and personal friends of MLK mentioned these points. The point I was initially making is that MLK himself had his issues and felt regret his last years of life. That does not mean that progress wasn’t positive, but it still came at a price especially at the expense of his life. The fact that people omit certain information about him is startling. Progress was made that’s good.
gymmuscleboy
@Elf92 That would hardly be justification for racist articles like this about how different skin colours are to treat each other. We are individuals, to be judged on our individual merit, not the colour of our skin!
Brian
Aw, I thought for sure that BBC was gonna be in there somewhere. But it’s good that I shouldn’t be afraid to use the N word as long as it’s in the correct context. I’m sure that will go over great coming out of my redheaded, 49 year old mouth, in 2019.
WayDifferent
Enough! Embrace MY culture! And this includes Mexicans. We’re not just a “White guy” that eats hot dogs and pizza. I’ll NEVER give another one a chance.
Signed, Whitey
Black Pegasus
Another Jeremy Helligar article.
Ugh…
Kangol
He’s a Queerty fave, for obvious reasons.
Polaro
I’ll be happy when people stop trying to tell me what to say, how to feel and what to think.
kiriakis1
Isn’t this writer the black guy who said black people made him uncomfortable? So then why is he presuming to speak for other black guys who aren’t as ashamed and discomforted by their own people.
Kangol
So in a nutshell, JH is saying that he only dates white men, that they’re racist to him sometimes, that he sometimes calls them on it but sometimes deflects it, and that it’s OK for white guys to use the n-word to and with him under the right circumstances. Got it. No thanks. Like I said after that article where he described his childhood racial trauma, a therapist might be able to help, certainly more so than random guys on dating apps.