Klondike made two tough biker dudes endure a moment of intimacy by forcing them to hold hands for five whole seconds. The reward? A “What The Fudge?” Brownie from a company that cringes at the sight of two biker bears touching. But is the commercial against male hand-holding or is it mocking ultra-butch homophobia? Furthermore, if five seconds of man handholding equals a free Klondike bar, why isn’t The Eagle drowning in ice cream sandwiches right now?
At any rate, the bikers are correct to be nervous. As we all know, holding hands for six seconds results in a chocolate wedding cake. Holding hands for seven seconds causes you to develop a fetish for women’s shoes. And holding hands for eight seconds makes you pregnant. That is why Klondike’s new slogan is, “if you’re going to hold hands, you should really wear a condom.” We don’t know what that has to do with ice cream, but you can’t deny it’s memorable.