READER RABBIT

For Busy Folks: Bloomberg’s Amazing (And Long) Equality Speech In Just 5 Quick Quotes!

Yesterday New York City Mayor Bloomberg made an 18-minute speech about marriage equality. It was historically moving and what not, but we were busy and some of you probably were too. So here’s our short-short version so you don’t sound like an uninterested dumbass around your friends. Also we’ve added super-short subheadings that paraphrase Bloomy’s finer points and help you go even faster. Or if you’re ultra lazy, just look at the word cloud we made from the speech above and repeat words at random to your pals—so lazy.

His overall point: “In our democracy, near equality is no equality. Government either treats everyone the same, or it doesn’t. And right now, it doesn’t.” Word up, Blooms.

LET’S BEGIN, BITCHES

“We gather in the tradition of those who came before us to discuss a momentous question before our nation and our great State of New York: Should government permit men and women of the same sex to marry?

“It is a question that cuts to the core of who we are as a country—and as a city. It is a question that deserves to be answered here in New York—which was the birthplace of the gay rights movement, more than 40 years ago. And it is a question that requires us to step back from the platitudes and partisanship of the everyday political debate and consider the principles that must lead us forward.

MARRIAGE EQUALITY WILL BE EASIER WHEN GRAMMY AND GRAMPS DIE OFF

One by one, over many long years, the legal prohibitions to freedom and equality were overcome: Some on the battlefield, some at the State House and some in the courthouse. Throughout our history, each and every generation has expanded upon the freedoms won by their parents and grandparents. Each and every generation has removed some barrier to full participation in the American dream. Each and every generation has helped our country take another step on the road to a more perfect union for all our citizens. That is the arc of American history. That is the march of freedom. That is the journey that we must never stop traveling. And that is the reason we are here today.

ANTI-EQUALITY POLITICIANS WILL GET THEIR PORTRAIT IN THE HISTORIC HALL OF DICKS

“And the question for every New York State lawmaker is: Do you want to be remembered as a leader on civil rights? Or an obstructionist? On matters of freedom and equality, history has not remembered obstructionists kindly.

“Not on abolition.

“Not on women’s suffrage.

“Not on workers’ rights.

“Not on civil rights.

“And it will be no different on marriage rights.

THE GAYS DON’T WANNA TAKE OVER YOUR DUMB CHURCHES, OK?!!

“Now, I understand the desire by some to seek guidance from their religious teachings. But this is not a religious issue. It is a civil issue. And that is why, under the bill proposed in Albany, no church or synagogue or mosque would be required to perform or sanction a same-sex wedding—as is the case in every state that has legalized marriage equality.

“Some faith communities would perform them; others would not. That is their right. I have enormous respect for religious leaders on both sides of the issue, but government has no business taking sides in these debates—none!

“As private individuals, we may be part of a faith community that forbids divorce or birth control or alcohol. But as public citizens, we do not impose those prohibitions on society. We may place our personal faith in the Torah, or the New Testament, or the Koran, or anything else. But as a civil society, we place our public faith in the U.S. Constitution: the principles and protections that define it, and the values that have guided its evolution. And as elected officials, our responsibility is not to any one creed or congregation, but to all citizens.

I WISH CONSERVATIVES WEREN’T SO FUCKIN’ STUPID

“Conservatives believe that government should not intrude into people’s personal lives—and it’s just none of government’s business who you love!

“Conservatives also believe that government should not stand in the way of free markets and private associations—including contracts between consenting parties. And that’s exactly what marriage is: a contract, a legal bond, between two adults who vow to support one another, in sickness and in health.

“There is no State interest in denying one class of couples a right to that contract. Just the opposite, in fact. Marriage has always been a force for stability in families and communities—because it fosters responsibility. That’s why conservatives promote marriage—and that’s why marriage equality would be healthy for society, healthy for couples and healthy for children.”