Here’s the thing about gays: we all have the same name. OK, maybe not all of us. But a lot of us. And that’s OK, right? Right?!
Bon Appetit‘s creative director Adam Moussa sparked the latest round of this realization with a post Tuesday that contained a Census-approved list of the top male names of the 1990s.
“Top 20 gayest names,” he wrote.
If those names sound like everybody you’ve ever met playing a gay rec sport, you’re not alone! Every team must contain at least one “Michael,” “Joshua” and “Brandon”!
I’m at 15 and I’m so proud.
— johnny. (@itsjohnny81s) August 30, 2023
love to be a gay ryan
— Ryan J. Haddad (@RyanJHaddad) August 31, 2023
I’m one of one, I’m number one, I’m the only one.
— michael (@kresnxk) August 30, 2023
As many pointed out, it’s not surprising the most popular names for guys are also the most popular names for gay guys because, well, we’re also guys! But there is one key difference between the gays and the straights.
We love our polysyllables! Polysyllabic names are a little softer, tender and refined. “Chris” is harsh sounding, while “Christopher” takes the edge off, and is also a little sing-songy (it’s the two syllables, saweetie).
When we published our baby naming guide back in 2009, it’s not a coincidence we selected many multi-syllable options, including “Joshua” and “Elliott.”
“Joshua is a gay name only when enjoyed in all its polysyllabic glory and like Michael, Matthew and Christopher—it can swing whatever way its bearer wants it to go,” we wrote at the time.
Exactly! We love a verse queen, err, name.
Adam this is literally a kickball team
— Stayinyour Lane (@barrettlane) August 31, 2023
Of course, there are some glaring omissions to the list, beginning with “Alex.” We’re everywhere!
Unlike some other four-letter monikers, “Alex” still conveys an air of sensitivity. “Alex gays” are the best gays, at least according to this one!
But how about “Kyle?” There are lots of gays named “Kyle.” Or how about “Evan?” (“Alexander,” “Kyle” and “Evan” are Nos. 23, 24 and 63 on the list, by the way.)
No Evan or Ethan?!?
— citizen of Floptropica 🪩🌴 (@EvBenjamin) August 30, 2023
this is kyle erasure
— Devin Clark (@devin_clark) August 31, 2023
Also, like most spats on Gay Twitter™, er, X it’s worth noting this discourse is almost entirely between millennials. Notice there isn’t a single mention of “Julian” or “Caleb.”
We can’t wait to see what future generations of gays offer up as names. No matter what they are, they’ll probably all be the same!
Man About Town
Well FWIW, my name is the most common middle name for serial killers, tralier trash, and men who abuse their wives so badly the wives cut their dix off.
Welcome to my legacy, folks!
Openminded
Yeah, let’s cancel that meetup we have planned. 🙂
Prax07
I am #2, and I’ve never, in 20 years, hooked up with another name on the list except for #17. So half right?
still_onthemark
Christopher has two syllables?
Agility
I was trying to figure that one out, too. Is there a country where they drop the second syllable? I didn’t think so.
Phil
I think it’s to be read as “it’s the two (extra) syllables”. It’s just poorly written.
Louis
That is an American list (eg I’ve never met or heard of even one Brandon in my life, here in the UK).
Over here, John is not very gay. Of the 3 Johns currently in my life, only 1 is gay. Jonathan would be “gayer”, I guess? But still not a gay name here.
4 Davids; only 1 has been gay. Another very “hetero” name here.
I’m not sure the “full length name = gay” over here. Personally, I’ve always preferred full length names (Elijah over Eli, David over Dave, Robert over Rob/Bob/Bobby); maybe that’s the gayness in me.
But typically, over here, gay people will just use a unique spelling for their name. Eg I’ve known a (gay) guy called Jacob become Jaykub), a Christopher become Kris.
bachy
There’s one name I can’t believe didn’t make the list. Considering how frequently one hears it in gay bars, at least half the clientele must be named “Mary.”
storm45701
I must know 10 different Kevins around my area, including two couples where both of the guys have the name! It really is true…. do our names fulfill our destiny?
ralphb
I feel soooo left out. But then, I was the only one with my name in the world when I was born. Of course the only competition was Cain and Abel.
theaterbloke
There is that line from Steel Magnolias: “All gay men have track lighting. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve,” though this was said by a character named Marshall. I know a few gay Marks and I’ve been mistaken for a Steve a few times.
Derek Northcutt
I thot it was “Mary.”
Mr. Stadnick
This is one of the lamest “articles” in a long time!
GayEGO
Well! My name(s) are not listed so I don’t have to worry about that………but I played a flute in school and in the Navy, it was called a sissy instrument! :>)
PoetDaddy
Oh, yeah, we Michaels are a popular lot. I lived in a dorm in college that had 37 (all male) students, 13 of whom were were named Michael. I was the only gay Michael, though, as far as I know. And I shared a small office at a job in L.A. with three other guys, all of whom were Michael. There are six living Michaels in my family (and several deceased) that also share my surname. Again, I’m the only gay.
Terrycloth
Met a boatload of Michael’s, David , Bob , alao knew a few real ” dicks
JromeGervais09
I’m a gay Ladd not on the list. Happy I’m not just so common as the others on the list. I’m a special Ladd.
firestalker
No dennis? I know a lot of gay dennis’s . I am one , and i know at least 6 others
MynameisSid
Am I the only Sidney Shawn?
I’ve never been very good at being gay.
barryaksarben
Im a Barry and have know 3 non gay Barry’s and 1 other gay Barry. the two gay Barry’s are not Irish while the three straight Barry’s were all Irish
SparkyMICH
My birth name… Not on the list.
JJinAus
Religious US. Not surprising.
Karlis
Whatever happened to Bruce as the universal gay name?
musiclover703
#7 here, but I’ve always gone by Andy, not Andrew.
barryaksarben
UNLESS YOU ARE IRISH THE NAME BARRY IS THE GAYEST OF ALL. not alot of us but. cmon parents dont name their kid Barry because even. straight people know it is gay