“Awkward moments in the bedroom happen to all of us,” Andrew Morrison-Gurza writes in a post published by Gay Times. “But when you have a disability they seem to come much more frequently.”
Morrison-Gurza has Cerebral Palsy, a congenital disorder that can impair movement, muscle tone and posture. As a result of his disability, he says navigating a sex life can sometimes be a “nightmare.”
“When the lights go down and the clothes come off, people’s real feelings are exposed,” he writes.
Related: Seeking Sex And Love While Growing Up Gay And Disabled
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Morrison-Gurza recalls an incident he had with a man he met online.
“He turns, grabs my cock … and says: ‘Can you feel that?’ I look puzzled. ‘I just wanna make sure that you aren’t paralyzed there as well?’” he writes. “I understand that the guy was nervous; it was an unusual situation for him. But this is not something you say to someone in the throes of passion. I not so politely asked him to leave.”
Another time, Morrison-Gurza had a guy stop halfway through their lovemaking to say: “You’re just too beautiful and different to go any further with.”
“That wasn’t true,” he writes. “He didn’t want to admit that my disability was scaring the shit out of him. I remember pushing him off me. Only to then have to awkwardly ask him to help me get dressed and back in my chair.”
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Yet another time, a guy asked Morrison-Gurza when his nurse would be arriving.
“He replaced sex chat with something more like a hospital examination,” he writes. “People seem to think that if you’re disabled, you can’t take care of yourself.”
Morrison-Gurza adds that while not every sexual encounter he’s had has ended uncomfortably, the majority of them have. He concludes with the following tidbit of advice:
“Awkward incidents like that are just the reality of my cerebral palsy. It changes the way the world is, and there’s no way around that. But what there is a way round is people’s reactions. You might be a bit confused about what you can and can’t say; about what’s politically correct for guys with disabilities.”
“But there’s a simple rule for this,” he says. “Don’t be a dick.”
Related: Gay Little Person Opens Up About Grindr, Sex And Being “Easy To Maneuver”
Glücklich
Interesting perspective and glad Andrew shared it.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/705e4ed9cfa145dad270e62258061ec3/tumblr_mljxxex8wC1qzsq0xo6_500.gif
Chance Petersen
Well that sucks. I so would date him lol I don’t see disability any different from anybody else. See, I have a similar problem, but not of cerebral palsy, I’m deaf. People asks me if I’d moan, grunt, or making any sexy sounds or can speak dirty words while we are at “it”?! ð???
SteveDenver
My f-buddy Phillip uses a wheelchair and keeps the sex frisky and fun. He takes charge and let me know our first time out, “Don’t worry, I’ll let you know if something isn’t working,” and he did. Of course his cheerfulness, confidence, megawatt smile and enormous d!ck help (I almost wrote “don’t hurt”).
Some guys have disabilities you can see.
hudson
This is an issue we hear far too little about in our community. Not just CP but disabilities in general. Thanks Andrew for bringing to our attention the fact that we are not all alike and a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.
Brian
Well, if you’re hooking up with someone different all the time, there’s no time for him to adjust to your disability and to really get to like you. They just see you as a thing, an object. If you’re an inconvenient object, they’ll dump you in no time.
This is the sad truth about the male-male hook-up scene: it’s dehumanizing. You serve a purpose but only if you can turn someone on on a Saturday night.
CWM85
Some men will fuck anything. I’m sorry but it doesn’t turn me on to have sex with someone with cerebral palsy. What the fuck is wrong with some people? It doesn’t mean this person shouldn’t be loved or cared for but someone with this condition turn people on? Its kinda weird to me. I know I sound kinda shallow but my first concern would be the person health.
onthemark
@CWM85: Yes – you do manage to sound “shallow” and obnoxiously snooty at the same time! Quite a feat. How is his health threatened by having sex? He doesn’t report anything like that. I’m not sure you actually read the article.
@Brian: Wow, you can turn practically any story into your usual indictment of “the male-male hook-up scene.” Are you sure there isn’t a misogyny angle you can squeeze in here too?
Brian
I know people who do Grindr. It ain’t pretty. They tend to be nervous, impulsive people. They are driven by their gonads. They are as shallow as can be.
Captain Obvious
Well it’s really another reason not to rush to sex. No one should rush to sex before knowing a person but that’s all people really do now. Sex first ask questions later. If you actually get to know the person first then it wouldn’t be full of awkward nonsense because all the nervousness is gone.
Sadly gay men pretty much seem encouraged to jump straight to sex and or straight into a crash and burn relationship.
I don’t think too many people do the “friends first” think anymore gay, bi, or straight.
kaboobie
oh c’mon, kudos to Andrew for telling his story but there’s a bit of a walking on eggshells factor here. I know if I were to be intimate with a person with a disability for the first time I’d be quite nervous & would probably gaffe. Not everyone knows the right thing to say when nerves get the better of them. You can only try your best. If you gaffe, then apologise & move on. Make the situation a bit more light hearted than letting it be so sensitive.
onthemark
@Captain Obvious: Speak for yourself. A lot of find that having sex with someone who’s already a friend is beyond awkward. A lot of us are comfortable with the sex-first approach. I don’t see anything unusual about what Andrew is doing.
@Brian: It always amazes me that someone like you, a joyless scold who disapproves so strongly of the “hook-up scene,” knows so-o-o-o many guys who are on Grindr! How can this be? Either (a) you don’t TALK this way in real life at all to anyone, keeping your real views a secret, or (b) you are on Grindr yourself. Either way you’re a total hypocrite.
@kaboobie: That makes sense!
NateOcean
The article closes with Andrew’s rule: “Don’t be a dick.”
But that’s a two way street.
Sadly Andrew seems to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder.
Captain Obvious
@onthemark: Not sure you understand what anything I said means. At some point if you get married that person will be your best friend anyway so will the sex magically become awkward then? No, it won’t.
Getting to know someone makes a lot more sense than making a hookup more than what it is. Do you though, I really don’t care. My post is my post, your life is whatever you want it to be.
Merv
Wait, why was he so rude to the guy who was unsure if he was sexually responsive? The CP guy was in a wheelchair, after all, and the other guy had no experience with or knowledge of his condition. The CP guy sounds like a bit of an ass.
o.codone
I’d do him.
onthemark
@Captain Obvious: You wrote, “No one should rush to sex before knowing a person” – obviously a moral judgment. “NO ONE”!!! – declared Captain Obvious!!! Based on… what, your own personal experience? (I hope it was only that.) But now when you get challenged on it, you backtrack and say you really don’t care. Great! We already have Pope Giancarlo to run our sex lives for us. But I guess you’ve been thru enough today, with his other comments, lol.
Anyway, having sex first doesn’t preclude getting to know someone well. And it’s not inherently, morally or even logistically better to do it the other way around.
onthemark
@Merv: Assuming they met thru an ad of some kind, I wonder what he wrote in the ad. Seems to be something left out here.
seaguy
@Chance Petersen: I hooked up with a deaf guy a couple times and the only difference between him and a hearing person was I had to at times write down what I wanted to do next sexually…
moldisdelicious
@Brian:
Exactly. The sad thing is when you carry yourself like you want something more than a hookup with another guy, people call you a prude or a guy who is ashamed of your sexuality or even sexual orientation. If hooking up is your thing then cool. To me, it’s just best to avoid that type of shit and wait for someone who is worthwhile or someone you love.
Hooking up takes a lot of work especially when you have to consider that you’re fucking with a stranger who might have their own ideas and plans. It’s a whole lot different than someone who is willing to get to know you and understands you. I feel more comfortable being sexual with a man that I have a connection to and not just a guy who I exchanged three words with on an app.
MoochO
@SteveDenver: That’s like the best post I’ve ever read here. I know that’s not saying much, but it’s meant as a compliment. Give Phillip a French kiss in the ass-crack from me, please. ;^)B