There’s some tough choices ahead for “Graham,” who wrote in to Gay Times to ask for help with his boyfriend.
Here’s the situation: Graham grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, but is no longer suffering under religious baggage. His boyfriend, on the other hand, is a Mormon and wants to stay with the church. That’s a problem, since we all know what the LDS establishment has to say about gays (nothing good). And the boyfriend is naturally too scared to socialize anywhere they might be discovered, so they have to sneak around.
Should they stay together, or should Graham ditch him?
How about we take this to the next level?
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This is a tough one, since the two boys also say they have a strong connection. But, ugh, the weight of a homophobic religion is often enough to drive a person too crazy to maintain a relationship.
Their best chance for success is probably for Graham to express his needs — remember, self-care isn’t selfish — and give the Mormon boyfriend a choice: “either let me help you leave this homophobic church, or stick with the church that hates you without me.”
(Of course, this advice doesn’t stand if they’re still in high school and living at home. If you’re stuck at home with homophobic parents because you’re underage and can’t leave, it’s often best to play it safe and fly under the radar until you can GTF out of there.)
Related: There Are No Gay Mormons, Says Mormon Official
The good news is that if he really wants to remain Mormon, there are gay Mormon groups out there that can help, like Affirmations. He doesn’t have to leave the religion altogether. But any adult who sticks with the mainstream established LDS organization is going to have a life of emotional manipulation and abuse ahead of them, and those folks need to get their own issues sorted before they’re ready for a relationship.
Sneaking around is the worst thing you can do for yourself and the people you love. As the saying goes — if you sneak, it means you think you’re doing something wrong. Does this boyfriend think that his relationship is morally wrong? If so, Graham, you don’t want to be a part of it. As long as it’s safe for him to leave the church, let him know that you’ll support him and will help him get away from the homophobes; but if he refuses to go, let him know that it was fun but you need a boyfriend who can be open.
Related: Mormon Leaders Meet This Weekend To Discuss Degree To Which They Dislike Gays
Heywood Jablowme
they should have a 3-way with a Catholic boy lol
Juanjo
My experience with Mormon guys is that they have many more issues than Catholic boys do when it comes to being gay. Of course the Catholic Church does not send people out regularly to harass those who might be falling away into sin. I rented a room to a Mormon kid attending the local university back in the 1980s. His family suspected he might be gay and sent some mission squad over regularly to harass the kid. I also dated one when I was in college and he was so far into the back of the closet he reeked of mothballs. When his parents laid down the law, requiring him to marry, he married the woman they picked out for him and they had several kids. They stayed married about 22 years before his wife divorced him when one of his boyfriends showed up at the house expecting to see him and encountering the wife instead. I have met a large number of gay Mormon boys over the years and even the better adjusted ones seem to carry around a heavy weight because of the guilt they feel for betraying the church.
Heywood Jablowme
@Juanjo: “Be fruity and multiply!”
Billy Budd
Ditch the mormon and find a normal person to love.
DCguy
Please don’t advertise the fake Mormon “gay” groups….
You stated : “The good news is that if he really wants to remain Mormon, there are gay Mormon groups out there that can help, like Affirmations.”
Those groups are shills for the church and preach only celibacy, AND have had multiple instances of the older “Leaders” trying to sleep with the new younger confused members.
SWILUA
My experience with Affirmation has been wholly positive. No celibacy preaching: they meet you where you are.
BrettF07
Hi, I grew up Mormon and have spent years navigating Mormon Gay Groups. Growing up Mormon and Gay is extremely difficult, several of those gay groups were vital in helping me get to where I am today. Not all of the groups have been perfect, but I’m so grateful for the assistance and direction they gave me in navigating my religion and sexuality.
There are several gay mormon groups out there that preach celibacy, but Affirmations is NOT one of them. I repeat, it’s NOT one of them. Based on my experience, Affirmations is a very open minded group that is all about helping members of the LGBTQ community and LDS community find self worth and happiness. I have been to multiple conferences, and I’ve always left with the overwhelmingly positive hope that it’s possible for me to be actively gay and be religious.
I currently have a boyfriend and attend church several times a month. The key to finding happiness is honesty. Living a double life is exhausting and harmful (believe me, that was the definition of my early 20s). Thanks to the community of gay mormons organizations like Affirmations has created, I’ve been able to work through my challenges with hope.
SWILUA
I can confirm this is an accurate depiction of Affirmation.
Hussain-TheCanadian
My biggest advise is, if you know that your parents will have an ugly reaction to you coming out, don’t tell them until you’re financially independent from them.
This way they can’t use financial leverage against you; so if you love him and want him, and he is financially dependent on his family, you’ll have to be patient.
If he isn’t dependent on them financially, then he needs to mentally start preparing to tell them.
girldownunder
It’s easy to say, “just leave when you’re ready”, but leaving isn’t only about residing elsewhere. It’s also about that young man likely losing his family over the relationship & the hard-feelings that will germinate against the BF.
I would take the path which says, “I love & care for you, but hiding is not healthy for either of us & I don’t want to live like that”. “We have to split up, for my sake”.
The BF has every right to look out for himself/them. I would NOT ask him to leave his church & family. I’d leave that up to him. I don’t like the leveraging feel of issuing an ultimatum which can only come back to haunt their relationship later.
fwiw
DCguy
@BrettF07:
Then you haven’t attended them recently. AND the fact that you are very cagey about “Honesty” etc… and attend church indicates that you are following the rules about affection and celibacy which is what Affirmations preaches.
The fact that you had to hide that means that you know how bad it looks.
BrettF07
@DCguy:
Dude. You don’t know my life. Don’t pretend to.
I attended the most recent Affirmations group and they never promoted celibacy. Not once. And no creepy older men tried to sleep with me. Nope. Did you attend the most recent Affirmation meeting? If you did and that was your experience, I’m extremely sorry … and honestly confused because I had an entirely different experience. The church has no ties to Affirmations. It’s an entirely independent entity. There is a group called North Star that does preach celibacy and has more ties to the church, maybe you’re confusing this group with that one.
Just because I attend church a few times a month doesn’t mean I’m “following the rules.” I have a boyfriend, have sex, and am very open about my relationship. I’m not an official member of the church anymore because I’m not afraid to hide that I’m an openly gay man.
scotty
sorry but all i can picture is sammy case in buckleroos 2. im not going to try and get that image out of my head either.
Chris
If he is so deeply in the closet that the two of you cannot have casual interactions in public — such as eating at a restaurant and talking — then he really needs to change a lot. If, on the other hand, it’s the sort of stuff that isn’t that big of a deal — such as not getting falling-down drunk at gay clubs and bars — and if he is changing, then I’d give him time.
Probably, he lands somewhere in-between. In that case, you need to ask yourself about what you are giving up by staying with him and it it’s worth the cost. For example, if he goes to services but doesn’t try to force you, let it go; you get to sleep in or some alone time. On the other hand, if he visits his family without you and denies having any friendship with you to them, then you probably need to wonder about your future together.
It’s up to you: What is this costing you? Are these costs worth it? Do you see a future where those costs are replaced with the benefits of the kind of life you want?
One last thing: keep reminding him that god don’t make junk; and god made and loves him, just the way he is — regardless what a bunch of old men say.
Good luck to both of you. It took me years to get over my own religious upbringing.
seaguy
Reminds me of that old saying “More men, and bring em young” the Brting Em Young being similar to the famous morman Brigham Young.
GayEGO
Having been brought up a Mormon and found they were a bunch of hypocrites, I left the Mormon church. Tell the Mormon to either come out to the Mormon church or leave the church. Otherwise it’s bye bye!
Music908
Why bother? If you are dating someone that is “in the closet” ,yet having sex with you.Then you are dating someone that is living a lie. It doesn’t matter if they’re Mormon,Catholic ,or Baptist,because they’re still attempting to “not be gay”.If a person is having problems with the church accepting their sexuality ,then they need to open up and show the church they attend that they’re Gay.If the church won’t accept them after they have been clear about how God created them,then they should leave that church and find one that will.