A woman says her husband and his buddies are endlessly joking about gay sex and it’s driving her crazy, so she’s seeking advice from out friend Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
“My partner and I have been together for six happy years,” the woman explains. “Here is my (female) problem: He and our gaming friends (all male) have this habit of making gay jokes constantly.”
She continues, “They think it is hysterical to just tack some fellatio-related quip onto every. damn. sentence. … I am part of a text chain with these guys, and it is relentless.”
The woman says the jokes aren’t “hateful,” and she doesn’t believe any of the men are homophobic in their hearts, but their constant references to gay sex make no sense to her.
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“I have never seen even a hint of outright bigotry from any of them,” she writes. “My partner is super kind to my close gay buddy and his partner and doesn’t act uncomfortable in the slightest when they are affectionate around us. He has embraced them with no issue whatsoever and considers them some of our best friends.”
Now she wonders, “Do hetero guys really talk like this, or are they just anomalous pervs? Is there any chance they stick to the gay stuff because they don’t want to be gross about sex with women with me around? Do I need to ‘stand up’ to this humor, even though it seems to be free from hate?”
In his response, Juzwiak tells the woman her husband and his buddies are engaging in what sociologist C.J. Pascoe calls “f*g discourse.”
Juzwiak explains that “f*g discourse” is basically when straight-identifying men call each other f*gs, make gay jokes, act feminine, or pretend to be sexually attracted to each other in an effort to reaffirm their own masculinity.
“In her study, Pascoe found that the use of the word f*g and the imitation of the f*g were often explicitly self-evaluated by boys as being not anti-gay,” Juzwiak paraphrases.
In other words, even though they’re using an antigay slur, the men don’t mean it in an antigay way, which, frankly, makes absolutely no sense.
Marginalized groups can reclaim slurs that have historically been used against them (i.e. gay people calling each other “f*gs”, or Black people using the N-word), but when members outside of the group use those slurs, they’re still slurs.
Thankfully, Juzwiak seems to get this.
He continues: “The view that one can joke about f*gs and f*g behavior in a manner that is somehow divorced from ‘real’ homophobia is massively shortsighted.”
“It sounds like something overgrown boys would say, and it in fact is,” he continues. “I think it’s egocentric and naïve to assume that as a straight guy, one can ridicule gay-adjacent stuff without consequences like perpetuating prejudice against real gay people, at least indirectly.”
“It is a delusion of privilege.”
What do you think about this woman’s situation and her husband and his buddies’ behavior? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Chrisk
Yep. A bunch of suck my di*k and I’ll eff you in the ass. Her husband is still in his adolescence years mentally.
Creamsicle
She did say it was specific to their gaming friends. I’m assuming both video game and tabletop (D&D, Pathfinder, etc.) In which cases yeah the humor is going to get a little juvenile. It’s a different kind of Code Switching.
My queer D&D group makes a ton of juvenile jokes around the table. But what else do you expect from a bunch of amateurs doing play pretend for their own benefit? If they’re not letting loose and having fun with each other, then why play together at all?
Center_Right
There is something seriously wrong with men who are obsessed with gay sex or any form of sex. Unfortunately porn has infiltrated into people’s life and get them addicted to the disgusting and dark fantasies. No wonder we have more and more sex addicts and sl*ts in our society.
Cam
This is the B.S. that the Mormon Church is trying to push out to deflect from having to deal with Trump and the realities of the world.
The LDS church will literally tell their members that Porn is the most destructive force out there and is responsible for most divorces. Frankly, porn is probably what’s keeping 15% of Mormon marriages together.
Invader7
@ Chrisk: EXACTLY. A lot of so-called “adult” hetero males are NOT men at all. They’re adolescent BOYS in larger male bodies..With Arrested Development brains/minds… No wonder a LOT of straight women are so anxious,pissed off, angry,mad, upset,depressed, tense, confused,etc. Look at the Knuckle Dragging Cave Dwellers they decide to choose from…
Josh447
Much of the reason for that is bc men are taught not to express emotions as a child or they are considered weak. It’s called arrested emotional development in most men. Hence babies in big bodies inerfacing with women who emotionally matured without blocking their feelings. Women for the most part actually grew up emotionally integrated, men not so much.
Catholicslutbox
I was watching a live stream yesterday and it was filled with butt sex, penis size, penis girth, penis forskin, butt sex, and fellatio comments.
controversial2019
Neither the article on here nor over on Slate mentions (from the Wife) the F word. So I’m a bit confused where and why the F word has been dropped in by the Agony Uncle and/or Queerty. If they use the F word; then whether they’re ‘intending’ malice it not, it’s bad. But the Wife doesn’t mention it and so I don’t think it’s fair or relevant to throw it in there. For all we know it could be “banter” like “Ah James you got so wasted last night you lightweight” “Er suck my d*ck Tom, I can drink way more than you”. That could be construed as always talking about gay sex, but it doesn’t mention the F word nor does it give any indication of a view towards gays.
greekboy
Dont make everything a big deal. Hetero banter. Take it for what it is and forget it. There’s a lot more to worry about in this Trumpian nightmare
HDTex
It’s a Graham Gremore article. Therefore, a few jokes between friends are the worst, most bigoted things that could ever possibly exist because…er…uh….um…. shut up, bigot, that’s why.
Doctor Benway
So, basically, the problem of this woman is that her husband is stupid and immature. Like many straight guys.
And she need someone to explain her that?
Than, I guess they really found each other. Because she’s not smarter than her husband.
MrMichaelJ
No where does it mention the husband using the f-word so the advice back is laughable. So a bunch of guys like to joke about getting it on with each other. So what? Not sure where the problem is with guys verbally jerking each other off besides the wife not liking the joke.
HDTex
Wifey’s probably a little jealous and looking to pin the demand he stop on “it’s not PC” instead of “I wish you wouldn’t flirt with your male friends, it makes me jealous” since the latter’s a ridiculous demand if he’s not going to have sex with them. Which he probably isn’t.
My husband finds it amusing when I joke with my friends, male or female, as do I when he does. We’re both pretty fast on our feet with an R-rated quip. And neither of us has any reason to distrust the other.
The wife sounds like she could use a little relationship therapy and a little less monitoring of her husband’s harmless banter.
Juzwiak sounds like he should read less into what people say. Gremore sounds like he should attach to reality a bit more.
Neither of those latter two will happen and I have no hopes for the wife, either.
RW88
Thanks for affirming that my reading comprehension skills are still intact. She wasn’t explicit enough for anyone to reach the conclusion rendered here. I took it more as they’re online saying stupid crap to each other as men are known to do. Nothing homophobic about it. Telling another dude to blow you doesn’t really have any deep meaning unless you really want them to do it. If they meant it, then that’s a whole different issue that a wife should probably have a conversation with her husband about. But she sounds ridiculous to even need to reach out for “help” on this issue. Has she never been around men?
Paulie P
aaahhhhhhh I do not know anyone who calls their (gay) friend fag as the writer suggested…..
I will say this though…. her man is sucking d somewhere.
michel_banen
So hetero guys joke around but the woman can’t handle it. Well, leave the text group and let the guys have their fun, immature or not. Seems like it has an innocent intent and just not her type of humour.
Donston
Guys do this stuff for different reasons. And hell, even some “gays” do it. Sometimes it’s just because they haven’t grown up and have the most basic sense of humor. Sometimes it is indeed an attempt to re-affirm their supposed “straightness” or their masculinity or their superiority. Sometimes it’s because they don’t know any other way to express same-sex affections and maybe express whatever types of same-sex passions, emotional longing, romantic interests they have.
In general, patriarchy, homophobia, masculine pressures and hetero pressures have done almost as much damage to male egos and male sociology as it has to women.
Cam
She should listen to Michael Rappaport talking about his fantasy football league. Her hubby and his friends are tame in comparison.
radiooutmike
HDTex:
I think you’re right on the mark. I have a gaming group of friends from all around the country. We used to have a saying, “Come for gaming, stay for the homoerotic banter”. When I finally came out to all of them, nothing changed. Still gamed, still drank, still made blowjob jokes and still drunkenly sang The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald.
My ex-wife used to complain, and I was like but I’m playing with my guy friends. I finally had a group of guy friends.
Donston
I ultimately don’t think it’s that big of deal. I’m certainly pretty blue with my humor when I’m around friends. And as long as they’re not constantly using slurs, being homophobic and/or using “gayness” to intimidate each other, it’s not something to be super uncomfortable with. Everyone’s friend group and ways of communicating with friends is different. But as I mentioned, there are a handful of reasons guys indulge this kind of stuff. Some reasons are more innocent and less problematic than others. There’s nothing wrong with trying to suss out the culprits of such behaviors.
scotshot
radiooutmike: Your real name is Token. If you were Black or Latino would you take the slurs and “jokes”?
You’re so desperate to be accepted that you take their shit. SMH
vinnieboiblue
Classic closet basket case!
winemaker
Wow, such immaturity from these guys. How old are these guys that are basically boys trying to be men.? i mean do they act like adults most of the time? Are they in their 30’s or what? The article didn’t mention age but since this lady has been with her boyfriend for at least 6 years they’re at least in their mid 20’s. Time to grow up and stop acting like school kids. BTW: this just might be a red flag warning on her boyfriends maturity and she might want to be aware of this or on the other hand he just might be a closet case.
Joshooeerr
Truth: these guys all get turned on by all the talk of gay sex. For a few it will just be the taboo nature of it. But at least half will also enjoy the odd blow job from a guy on the side. Some – possibly even the husband – a good deal more than a BJ. “Straight” men will swear this isn’t so, and that they’d be grossed out by the very thought, etc. But not a week goes by when I don’t have an encounter with one of these guys, after all the usual bullshit talk about how they’re “straight” and have to be “discrete”. Typically, they have to be “discrete” an awful lot, and you can find their profiles and posts on any number of hook-up sites. This is what “straight” guys are like. And their wives are just totally deluded.
Troysky
…..EXACTLY what I was trying to say…. part of it is exciting or they wouldn’t do it.
Den
I think all men know instinctively (whether they admit it or not) that men would give better blow jobs than women. Does not mean they necessarily want a BJ from another guy, but they know they would not have to give instructions or encouragement.
Terrycloth
Your typewriter or computer keyboard seems to be missing an a”a” especially when saying fag..we are adults. One commenter said it .we B know what it is. Dosent offend me. If bbn it offends you maybe you need tougher skin