Absolutely not, says syndicated advice columnist Carolyn Hax.
“Though he has a steady, public ‘friend,’ he has chosen to be elusive and not publicly come out, and this has left our friends asking me well-intended questions in their efforts to support me,” writes a conflicted ex-wife. “I feel like my past marriage was a lie for so long, and I never want to have to lie to others again. I need the support of my friends. His own family was very hurt and confused and ready to blame me, and I had to tell them in order to save my relationship with this family I loved and was losing. I know I’m not supposed to care about what other people think, but it’s also important to me that I not lie to friends and family members. How obligated am I to keep his secret?”
Nah, says Hax. ” You looked out for your children, you worked hard to keep the divorce amicable, you were sensitive in letting your husband set the pace for going public with his homosexuality. But enough is enough. You have feelings, too, and your now-ex-husband owes you as much sensitivity to your needs as you showed for his. Especially now that your ex is appearing publicly with a steady male companion, you are more than entitled to tell the truth about why your marriage dissolved.”
Even if it means outing a person who wants to stay in the closet.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Responsibly, Hax does have a couple of caveats: You can’t out the ex-husband out of spite; you have to tell him you’re going to begin sharing the reasons; and you were a jerk to tell his family before he had a chance to.
Or you could just begin telling folks that you and your ex-husband realized you had “separate interests.” Or, rather, the exact same interest.
[Ed: No, Jim and Dina (Matos) McGreevy aren’t the ideal couple to use as a photo in this story, but you get the point.]
Martin Murray
She wasn’t a jerk for telling his family. She was perfectly entitled to do so.
Her marriage was breaking up because of her husband’s homosexuality
So long as she doesn’t tell lies about her ex then she should feel absolutely free to disclose what she feels like about the breakup.
This is her experience of a marriage breakup, just as much as it his.
justme
If my marriage colapsed because my wife decided she was strait I would go absolutly balistic. I wouldn’t be reasonable. I would go off the juvinille deepend. You can be sure every dyke I know would know she is buffing pickles on the side.
Roger
The far right citing this as an example of how gay marriage breaks up families in 3…2…1…
axos
Of course she has the right to tell about the real reasons for the divorce. She can’t fight his fight for him, and why should she let her friends wonder and maybe blame her? If he didn’t tell his family himself, that’s his own fault, his own choice.
Being loyal is one thing, being a doormat another. He is a grownup.
Mike in Asheville, nee "in Brooklyn"
I had read the “Dear Carolyn” column before seeing reposted here. While reading the advice, I thought it was fitting and proper. One thing this abbreviated version misses, and it is important, is that the former husband has been regularly dating a man publicly. Hurray for him, naturally, it is nice that he is moving on. Well, the former wife is entitled to move on too and it would be natural to include, when appropriate, information about her marriage that is pertinent to her (in writing the letter and her reasoning, the ex-wife clearly was not using the gay husband information in any kind of mean-spirited manner.
Per the comment that NOM wingnuts would point to this case as an example of “gay marriage breaking up a heterosexual marriage” the premise is false. Half of marriages fail because the parties become incompatible; for reasons of adultery, money, job, children, in-laws. To point to the what, 1 in 100 cases of hidden same-sex attraction, means that it was one parties failure of self-comfort of their sexuality, not that two men or women desire to be married. Sure the NON/wingnuts will twist this but that is the nature of snakes, they twist and twist, hiss and hiss. We can’t live our lives for fear of snakes.
reason
I think she has a right to let people know that it is his fault and that she is not the demon. It looks like she did all she could to keep her marriage together while he selfishly served his own needs using the gay card with great hypocrisy and little regard to all the suffering he was putting his wife through. Just because someone is miserable with themselves doesn’t give them the right to go and destroy someone else’s life. The question is did he ever love her and want to stay with her in sickness and health, or did he just do it because that is what men are supposed to do? If the latter you don’t marry someone under false pretenses, it is one of the cruelest things you can do to an individual who actually believes in the institution of marriage. Through her actions, she shows that she was truly devoted and made his family hers and is truly destroyed that their relationship may be destroyed at the hands of a wickedly selfish individual.
BenR
Though it’s hard to fault gay men for lying in order to preserve their social status, it’s much harder to criticize a woman for telling the truth in order to maintain hers. It isn’t her fault for breaking up their marriage if he was gay to begin with, and she doesn’t deserve the spite of her former in-laws or befuddlement of her friends. If the ex-husband is out enough of the closet to be in a semi-public relationship with another man, and out enough to decide to end his marriage with her, then he’s out enough for her to legitimately explain why her marriage ended.
Marcus
@BenR:
I completely agree.
And her husband should be ashamed of himself for even putting her in that position.
Rikard
what kind of douche does this to tho women who bore him children? do we have to validate his gay card?
TampaZeke
@Rikard: Curious, what do you say to lesbians who marry unsuspecting straight men?
I find it very strange that we NEVER hear those stories and they happen at least as often as gay men marry women.
Michael
The primary purpose of divorce is to end marriage. One or both parties ask the court to grant the divorce, and the court does exactly what it’s asked to do. The court really does not care about the circumstances, and often will not afford the time listen, as no purpose is served. This, of course, is exactly how a “no-fault” divorce works. In short, you do not need to justify your reason for a divorce to the court, and by the same token, do not need to justify the end result to your “friends.” Sure, you have a First Amendment right to blab and whine all you want to whomever you please, but this does not make it right. Rather, it’s always poor form to go out of your way to hurt someone else, regardless of how badly you feel for yourself. Confiding in a small, select group of friends and/or family for support is healthy, provided they are willing to participate. Rationalizing your continued viability to everyone you know, is unfair to all, including yourself. When things don’t work out, get over it the best you can, and move on, as fast as you can.
Tommy
Totally agree Michael. I don’t see why anyone should have to explain why their marriage or relationship ended to anyone.
This guy’s family seems like a bunch of jerks. Why would they immediately blame her and turn their back on her? If I hear about two people I know splitting up, I don’t immediately go and blame one side. I try to be neutral and nice to both parties because most relationships are complicated and break ups are usually never one person’s fault.
DR
She absolutely has the right to speak to those she holds in confidence or those who would blame her. His lies shouldn’t put her in the position if having no one to talk to about her divorce. It’s one thing to say to those who don’t know you well that “it was an amicable split and I’d prefer not discussing it”, but she shouldn’t be expected to do the same with her close friends, her family, or his if they try to play the blame game with her cast as the leading villain.
Rich
@Roger: And yet, if her ex had been allowed to marry another man to begin with, none of this would have happened…
ewe
@DR: McGreevey is a liar but you have no problem allowing your B rate celebrity to express fluidity regarding his sexuality. I call that hypocrisy. You have a lot of unadressed shame.
ewe
I got divorced and… my spouse was straight the whole time… BOO HOO!!!
DR
@ewe:
This is an article about a woman who felt as if she was being victimized because her hubby was more than happy to let her be seen as the bad guy in a divorce. She wonders if it’s ok to speak to her friends and loved ones, her support network, so she doesn’t have to go at this alone. I never mentioned the former Governor of New Jersey, Ewe, and even the good folks at Queerty note in the post above that the photo is used for demonstrative purposes only.
Epic FAIL, Ewe. Oh, and can the armchair psych, it’s an even bigger failure. Get off you high horse. just because I see the world in a way in which you don’t agree doesn’t mean I’m repressed, shameful, or any other pejorative term you’d like to throw around.
Accusations of “self-loathing”, the last resort of the ignorant and bitter queen who has nothing intelligent to say….
Larkins
I was married to a gay man for 23 years and had a child together. Sexual relationship were non existent after the first three years, and even just close intimacy was off limits. His reason, it might lead to sex. Why no sex you ask? He was not admitting he was gay even though he admitted to having gay relationships for two years in his late 20s. Even though his porn was all about gay men ‘doing it’. Even though he would tell me in a restaurant that some guy was flirting with him.Even though he openly flirted with gay men. Even though he spent a lot of time on an island that was filled with gay men. He said no sex because I was either too fat, too aggressive, too needy, too submissive, too this or that. He was very good at making sure to keep the focus off his issue and manipulating everything to be about me. I was too weak and accepted his opinions far to easily. So even with 5 different counselors telling me to leave him, I stayed and learned to get along without intimacy. I was once confident but over the years I lost a lot of that. I am getting it back slowly but surely.
I did tell my brothers that he was gay and they told me, they had already figured it out years before. I was shocked. I finally confronted him two years ago and pointed out all the things he had done… he quickly started making sure to leave ‘girl porn’ on his pc history. This year we divorced.
I will not tell my child or my other children from a previous marriage about his homosexuality when explaining why we separated. There were many reasons over time that developed but had he not been gay, I know for sure the other issues would not have been insurmountable. Why I stayed was for the kids as I wanted to have as stable a family life as could be provided. He pretended well in public, and as long as I remained quiet it worked.
Some things are not anyone’s business but the person that it involves. To expose someone may give a momentary feeling of redemption but in the long run, it hurts many and the effects are far more reaching and lasting. So they blamed her, in time that could have been healed. My feeling is that his family was not really that close to her from the start otherwise they would not be so quick to ‘blame’ her. Closeness isn’t just family gatherings and I really believe she just needed to feel vindicated for the years she suffered. This I do understand as the pain of loneliness, self blame and slow loss of self esteem is truly overwhelming. Still I feel she should have only shared it with her own family who then could help support and love her. Her telling was in my humble opinion self serving and selfish.
Would I do it all again? yes including keeping the secret because of the circumstances with the kids. However, I lost years of self esteem feeling I was the blame for why he didn’t want to touch or hold me. Doing it all over again with him:I would change my attitude and never believe I am the soul reason for why a relationship is going bad