advice

Is An Ex-Wife Required to Keep Her Former Husband’s Gayness a Secret?

Absolutely not, says syndicated advice columnist Carolyn Hax.

“Though he has a steady, public ‘friend,’ he has chosen to be elusive and not publicly come out, and this has left our friends asking me well-intended questions in their efforts to support me,” writes a conflicted ex-wife. “I feel like my past marriage was a lie for so long, and I never want to have to lie to others again. I need the support of my friends. His own family was very hurt and confused and ready to blame me, and I had to tell them in order to save my relationship with this family I loved and was losing. I know I’m not supposed to care about what other people think, but it’s also important to me that I not lie to friends and family members. How obligated am I to keep his secret?”

Nah, says Hax. ” You looked out for your children, you worked hard to keep the divorce amicable, you were sensitive in letting your husband set the pace for going public with his homosexuality. But enough is enough. You have feelings, too, and your now-ex-husband owes you as much sensitivity to your needs as you showed for his. Especially now that your ex is appearing publicly with a steady male companion, you are more than entitled to tell the truth about why your marriage dissolved.”

Even if it means outing a person who wants to stay in the closet.

Responsibly, Hax does have a couple of caveats: You can’t out the ex-husband out of spite; you have to tell him you’re going to begin sharing the reasons; and you were a jerk to tell his family before he had a chance to.

Or you could just begin telling folks that you and your ex-husband realized you had “separate interests.” Or, rather, the exact same interest.

[Ed: No, Jim and Dina (Matos) McGreevy aren’t the ideal couple to use as a photo in this story, but you get the point.]