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Like Any Smart Gay Man, The New iPhone 5 Values Staying Power Over Size

If you’re still living in 2011, you might not have heard that Apple unveiled details about the new iPhone 5 today at a special event in San Francisco. And, as expected, this baby is thinner, lighter, faster and stronger than any previous iteration.

Ugh, like we didn’t have body-image issues already—now even our phone is going to be a twink.

Comprised entirely of glass and aluminum, the new iPhone is about 18% sleeker and 20% lighter than the 4S. But  it’s still got a larger four-inch screen that can accommodate another row of apps or icons and comes with 44% more color saturation. (Supposedly the phone won’t even won’t even cost more than the 4S.)

Apple has also addressed the speed gap users routinely complain about:  “It’s also compatible with several new wireless networks, including HSPA+, DC-HSDPA, and LTE, meaning the iPhone can finally match the wireless speeds of competing products such as the Samsung Galaxy line,” Apple marketing VP Phil Schiller said. “And the iPhone 5 is twice as fast as the 4S, Schiller said, thanks to a smaller, faster processor called the A6.”

Your Grindr profile pics never looked crisper.

Regular folks like us can pre-order an iPhone 5 starting September 14, with the phone officially available at Apple Stores on September 21.