Meet Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben, the Prussian military officer who hosted all-male Christmas kikis in his tent at Valley Forge

You’ve no doubt seen the movie. A burly, mustachioed military officer faces a line of wayward men in tight-fitting shirts. They need discipline, he says; they need a good drilling, he says. They’re in the middle of the Revolutionary War and they need to survive the winter, so they might as well trust him and take off their pants and experiment with him a little, he says. Wait… What?!?

If you thought that this bit of historical fiction was the beginning of an Active Duty video, you’re not far off. There was, in fact, a Revolutionary War general who hosted all-male pantsless kikis in his tent that led to, well, we can’t publish it here, but suffice it to say that they were basically Active Duty videos.

But who is this fabulously horny colonial-era military man, you ask? Why, none other than the *takes breath* Friedrich Wilhelm August Heinrich Ferdinand von Steuben, or Bad Baron for short. I’ll be talking about him today because it’s the holiday season and I’ve always been a giver. Plus, he acted as a much-needed Christmas present for America’s 18th century troops after their long, hard winter in Valley Forge. 

Quick refresher: Valley Forge was the Continental Army encampment in Pennsylvania where Colonial troops rode out the winter of 1777 and 1778 in an attempt to regroup. It was a difficult time for all. Troops were ravaged by disease, malnutrition, and a supply crisis, and needed a win against the redcoats.

Enter: the Bad Baron, who strode into camp atop a horse, leaving quite an impression with his magnificent outfit. “He seemed to me a perfect personification of Mars,” wrote one soldier. “The trappings of his horse, the enormous holsters of his pistols, his large size, and his strikingly martial aspect, all seemed to favor the idea.”

Of course, you could read further into that bit about his “enormous” holsters and his “large size” – maybe they’re coded! – but there’s no need. Everything about Bad Baron von Steuben was out in the open. The moment he arrived in Valley Forge, he already had an “aide-de-camp,” i.e. personal twink, in the form of William North, and practically dared anybody to say anything about it. After all, he knew the troops needed drilling – and what better person to drill them than him, the daddy of war?

Baron von Steuben, who previously served in the Prussian Army but later transferred to the Continental Army, took to his job like Gay Twitter to The Gilded Age. Despite knowing little English, this seasoned officer quickly whipped the Colonial troops into shape, instituting hygiene and sanitation guidelines and commissioning direly-needed kitchen and toilet facilities. In fact, he’s credited for introducing Colonialist forces to the concept of a “latrine.” (This begs the question: Were they all just digging holes every time they had to go? How did they remember where all the holes were?) Still, perhaps the Bad Baron’s most significant contribution to the Colonial troops was his knowledge of military strategy. Before his tenure, the troops didn’t even know basic drills. After his tenure, they were winning battles against the Brits again.

It was a bit of a redemption for von Steuben, who had previously been let go from a position in Prussia for immoral behavior, i.e., sleeping with his personal twinks. (That was part of how he ended up in Valley Forge.)

Additionally, it was quite liberating and empowering for Steuben to be in a respected position again, since he could live his life in Valley Forge the way he wanted. Which brings us back to those pantsless parties. According to Paul D. Lockhart, who wrote the Baron’s biography, The Drillmaster of Valley Forge: “The Baron hosted a party exclusively for … lower-ranking friends. He insisted, though, that ‘none should be admitted that had on a whole pair of breeches,’ making light of the shortages that affected the junior officers as they did the enlisted men.” 

The parties were apparently a hit, because the Bad Baron collected one more “aide-de-camp,” Benjamin Walker, during his time at Valley Forge. Then, following the war and his subsequent honorable discharge, von Steuben even collected a third, John W. Mulligan, who later inherited his personal library. In order to avoid any nasty rumors, though, von Steuben formally adopted all three men of these as his “sons,” thus precluding any charges of immoral cohabitation once they started living together. This also made him the first official daddy in history.

While we may no longer recognize Baron von Steuben as history’s first daddy, he has certainly made an impact on the American military. Outside of, well, helping us beat the Brits, this magnetic force of a man also created “The President’s 100,” an elite Army unit that still exists today. I wonder if those guys know their jobs are courtesy of a big ol’ homo. Should we tell them? In the spirit of the holiday season, I think we should. Someone call the Army!

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