If you’re feeling bummed about Republicans taking control of the government this week, don’t be. Their reign will be short-lived, we promise. In part, thanks to guys like “demon hunter” Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, who was just elected to the Colorado House of Representatives for what is sure to be a single term.
The former Navy chaplain is poised to become the next national laughingstock (along with Ms. Joni Ernst) with comments that make even Michele Bachmann sound semi-intelligent.
Klingenschmitt believes gay people are “possessed by demons” that want to “steal your soul” and “visually rape your children.” He also once bragged about having attempted to rid a female soldier of the “foul spirit of lesbianism” through an exorcism. And he wrote a book claiming President Obama is possessed. (By demons, of course!)
We could go on and on about all the crazy shit “Dr. Chaps” has said, but that would take forever, so we’ll just do it in bullet points. It’s quicker.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Here is a list of just some of Klingenschmitt’s views:
- Teaching children about gay marriage is “mental rape.”
- “Obamacare causes cancer!”
- Judges who strike down gay marriage bans are “imposing the Devil’s law upon people.”
- Christians should print anti-gay Bible verses on the back of gay wedding photos.
- Gay soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the U.S. military because they cannot serve effectively in combat because they are constantly “taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels.”
- Gay people possess something “inhuman” and “demonic” inside of them.
- Jesus will one day return, banning same-sex marriage, and banishing all gay people to the depths of hell.
- Government should discriminate gay people because “only people who are going to heaven are entitled to equal treatment.”
- If parents do not wish to exorcise the “demonic spirit” of homosexuality or being transgender out of their children, they must be “spanked” until they are “cured.”
How could someone so bat shit crazy possibly get elected? you wonder.
Well, Klingenschmitt heralds from the El Paso County district, where Republicans outnumber Democrats two to one, which enabled him to beat his opponent by nearly 40 points. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be around for long. Coloradans are smart people. (They voted to legalize pot, after all.) We’re confident Dr. Chaps won’t last more than a single term or two in office, and, honestly, we’re kinda looking forward to hearing more of the unintentionally hilarious nonsense that comes spewing from his mouth.
Grab the popcorn, this is gonna be good.
Related stories:
The Craziest Damn Shiz Conservatives Have Said About Gay People
Pro-Michele Bachmann Group Uses Sexy Image Of Jesus To Promote Itself
10 Hysterical Things Conservatives Have Said About Anal Sex
Graham Gremore is a columnist and contributor for Queerty and Life of the Law. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Stefano
Are we in 2014 or in the 13th century (the begining of the Inquisition)? LOL
The sad part is that some nuts are believing what he says.
AtticusBennett
congrats gay republicans! this is who you align yourself with. no wonder nobody respects you.
Raquel Santiago
And another one a few tomatoes short of a fruit salad.
SpunkyBunks
When I was kid (1970s-80s) life was good. People kept their f’d up opinions to themselves. Now everybody feels entitled to share their stupidity with the rest of the world.
Since we’re talking about batsh*t crazy Christians, my born again neighbors are always bitching about the trees in my backyard. One time I heard the wifey complaining to her “friend” that I planted too many trees in MY BACKYARD. Yesterday, her father kept bugging me while I was trying to play with my dog, about cutting down one of my trees. I told him to shut up and go find something else to do. He got mad and ran away like a little bitch. What is their problem? Are Christians into pro-deforestation? By the way, their yard looks like shit.
kthcst
this idiot looks like a FLAMER, he will be the next to come out
aliengod
Judging from his picture, he looks like an old flaming queen. He’ll probably be the next politician photographed in an airport with his rent boy.
1EqualityUSA
You must have the problem inside of you in order to recognize it in others. His parents did a number on this one.
Wooly
Someone please tell me what’s wrong with USA politics? Ceriously, the lunatics have taken over the asylum
Shannon1981
Countdown to someone videotaping this dude in a cheap motel with a whole bunch of crystal meth and a couple male escorts.
NoCagada
@AtticusBennett: AMEN!
blackberry finn
His idea is, “The first to protest is the last suspect.” Give him enough rope, he’ll hang himself.
Kangol
This person is certifiably insane. I get the partisan voting approach, but come on Republicans, you know this one is too far gone. And yet you STILL put him in office? Really?
Then again, they voted Joni Ernst, who’s sailed pretty far out on the bonkers boat, to the US Senate, so what are you going to do?
imperator
Don’t be overly optimistic, look at the incumbents’ re-election rate in general. ‘Murica!!
Goforit
I understand that most RepubliCONs are going to vote lock-step for their candidate over any Democratic candidate. BUT, what on earth could have possibly been wrong with the other republicons that lost to this moron in the primaries? Were they all puppy killers? Mother rapists? PUPPY RAPISTS? He was the best of the lot?
Gothrykke
This guy is a kiddie diddler. There’s not a doubt in my mind.
Chris
This guy reads like he’s seen one-too-many viewings of Monty Python’s Holy Grail scene with Zoot and Dingo:
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot … she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment … you must tie her down on a bed … and spank her. Come!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then … spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me!
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY: And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.
DINGO: And after the spanking … the oral sex.
littletwin52000
@Goforit: yes god that just gave me life haha.
NJjoe
Loser Conservative. Check please! Next…
NJjoe
Maybe spanking another man is a fantasy of his-meant to add that to my previous post.
SaysWho
Human sewage