If you’re feeling bummed about Republicans taking control of the government this week, don’t be. Their reign will be short-lived, we promise. In part, thanks to guys like “demon hunter” Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, who was just elected to the Colorado House of Representatives for what is sure to be a single term.
The former Navy chaplain is poised to become the next national laughingstock (along with Ms. Joni Ernst) with comments that make even Michele Bachmann sound semi-intelligent.
Klingenschmitt believes gay people are “possessed by demons” that want to “steal your soul” and “visually rape your children.” He also once bragged about having attempted to rid a female soldier of the “foul spirit of lesbianism” through an exorcism. And he wrote a book claiming President Obama is possessed. (By demons, of course!)
We could go on and on about all the crazy shit “Dr. Chaps” has said, but that would take forever, so we’ll just do it in bullet points. It’s quicker.
Here is a list of just some of Klingenschmitt’s views:
- Teaching children about gay marriage is “mental rape.”
- “Obamacare causes cancer!”
- Judges who strike down gay marriage bans are “imposing the Devil’s law upon people.”
- Christians should print anti-gay Bible verses on the back of gay wedding photos.
- Gay soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the U.S. military because they cannot serve effectively in combat because they are constantly “taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels.”
- Gay people possess something “inhuman” and “demonic” inside of them.
- Jesus will one day return, banning same-sex marriage, and banishing all gay people to the depths of hell.
- Government should discriminate gay people because “only people who are going to heaven are entitled to equal treatment.”
- If parents do not wish to exorcise the “demonic spirit” of homosexuality or being transgender out of their children, they must be “spanked” until they are “cured.”
How could someone so bat shit crazy possibly get elected? you wonder.
Well, Klingenschmitt heralds from the El Paso County district, where Republicans outnumber Democrats two to one, which enabled him to beat his opponent by nearly 40 points. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be around for long. Coloradans are smart people. (They voted to legalize pot, after all.) We’re confident Dr. Chaps won’t last more than a single term or two in office, and, honestly, we’re kinda looking forward to hearing more of the unintentionally hilarious nonsense that comes spewing from his mouth.
Grab the popcorn, this is gonna be good.