twisted fantasies

10 Hysterical Things Conservatives Have Said About Anal Sex

Conservatives love to talk about anal sex. And talk, and talk. To the point that it might be considered sexual harassment, at least in some environments. And let’s face it — they are about as well informed about intercourse as they are about global warming. Not to mention rape. Remember Todd “legitimate rape” Akin?

One brilliant right-wing researcher, Dr. Judith Reisman, once complained that men are unable to have intercourse facing each other — so they do it doggie style, you know, like dogs. And isn’t that pathetic? Geez, all it would take is a quick visit to PornMD to see gay men are quite cable of pulling off the good ‘ol missionary position with aplomb.

But now that straights have begun embracing ass play — presumably there’s a whole lot more straight sodomy going down than the gay variety — what’s going to happen to all the folks who believe anal sex will lead to the downfall of western civilization? After all, there’s nothing gay people do between the sheets that non-gay people don’t also do.

Check out some of the most notable comments about man-on-man intercourse…


In the most recent example, Bob Frey, currently running for Minnesota House of Representatives, knows how AIDS is really caused:

“When you have egg and sperm that meet in conception, there’s an enzyme in the front that burns through the egg. The enzyme burns through so the DNA can enter the egg. If the sperm is deposited anally, it’s the enzyme that causes the immune system to fail. That’s why the term is AIDS – acquired immunodeficiency syndrome.”


South Dakota Republican Rep. Steve Hickey shared his feelings about “men with men” in a letter to the editor published in the Argus Leader, South Dakota’s biggest newspaper, earlier this year:

“Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down.”


New Hampshire Republican Rep. Nancy Elliott knows what gay sex is all about and she wasn’t afraid to share it with colleagues during a legislative session in 2010:

“We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement!”

(FILES) American religious leader Pat Ro

Televangelist Pat Robertson challenged gays to anally deliver babies in 2012:

“I defy these homosexuals to bring forth a baby from that part of the anatomy which they concentrate on, when that happens I will change everything I’m saying. Until that happens, I wish those demonstrators would shut their mouth.”

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Former gay porn star turned born again Christian Joseph Sciambra on the devastating effects taking it up the butt has had on his body:

“The anus was never designed — even if you don’t believe in a God — was never designed by nature to accommodate the penis. When you do get involved with that activity, it causes a lot of physical damage. I can attest to that first hand because when I got out of porn I started having trouble right away. About two years after I had to have some surgeries that were horrible. I had to have my sphincter almost stitched shut. It was horrible!”


Linda Harvey educating people on the physical dangers of anal penetration:

“[A]ctual anatomical damage can occur through anal sex. This ought to serve as a big clue from God, in case we weren’t paying attention.”


Dr. Paul Cameron once circulated a pamphlet about gay “rectal intercourse”:

“Tearing or ripping of the anal wall is especially likely with ‘fisting,’ where the hand and arm is inserted into the rectum. It is also common when ‘toys’ are employed (homosexual lingo for objects which are inserted into the rectum — bottles, carrots, even gerbils).”


Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa has us all figured out:

“I want to say homosexuals eat each other’s poop. Homosexuals stick their hands into their rectum. Homosexuals stick all sorts of deviant sexual things into their rectum… And they call poo poo ‘chocolate.’ ”


Maggie Gallagher, crusader for women, rants about why anal sex isn’t a gay issue, it’s a feminist one:

“Anal sex is painful, unsanitary, unsatisfying for women, and creates unique risks for serious physical diseases (if you doubt me, go read the Wikipedia entry on the subject) because the anus is not designed for sexual intercourse, increasing the risk of torn flesh and the intermingling of bodily fluids — blood, semen, fecal matter — that can spread an astonishing variety of diseases. The female partner is far more at risk than the man in these encounters. This should be a feminist issue.”


Pastor Patrick Wooden eloquently speaks on the long-term side effects of anal intercourse:

“Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to, about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a ‘butt plug’ just to be able to contain their bowels?”

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Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson says gay sex is “just not logical”:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Just not logical, indeed.

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  • Geoff B

    I can shoot all of these down just by mentioning plenty of straight couples do anal without problem, and plenty of gays do do it at all. The religious right are more obsessed with anal sex than pretty much anyone on the planet. Makes me wonder how they are so knowlegeable (pretty sure I already know).

  • Geoff B

    *plenty of gays don’t do it at all”

  • vive

    @Geoff B, why do you feel so obliged to mention that? Do you buy into the shaming? Are you one of those who worry their family will think they f*ck?

  • unclemike

    @vive: Pretty sure he said that, not out of shame, but simply because it’s the truth, and it counters the right-wing claim that gays are all totally into the anal. I’m not into anal, either. I’m not ashamed, I just don’t dig it.

    But I’ll happily talk to you about all the other things I do…

  • Lvng1tor

    I wonder if that sperm enzyme could act like a facial peel! I can see it now….Bukakke Boutiques will be all the rage in Hollywood by end of the year! AWESOME! Finally TC and JT can justify all those guys blowing a load on them….

  • Paco

    I would love to see the search history on their computers. They seem to be experts on anal sex between two men.

    @Lvng1tor: I had a few guys use that line on me in my youth.

  • NoCagada

    I’m in the medical field. Guess what? I have seen plenty more women who have given birth with prolapsed vaginas, uteri, bladders…Plenty more than I have seen ANY men with a prolapsed anything. Seems that heterosexual sex is far more damaging to the body and at much higher rates than homosexual sex.

  • Stache99

    @NoCagada: ..or the death rates for women back 100 years ago for child birth. Seems hetero sex without medical intervention can be quite deadly.

  • tdh1980

    God forbid that anyone have sex purely for the purpose of pleasure, however they choose to have it. Right? [side eye]

  • James Hart

    Why did Queerty close the comments section on the article about President Obama and his Executive Order. I think people deserve to comment.

    I guess Queerty also didn’t want to publish an article about the Federal Government’s recent study which found ONLY 1.9% of Americans are gay or bisexual. Those numbers fly in the face of what the gay community has said for years! That study came from the Federal government, which is headed by who? That’s right: President Obama!

    President Obama’s Executive Order may not hurt him politically, but it will hurt Democratic Senators running in red states where religious conservatives hold sway. So he may cost the Democrats the control of the US Senate. Not a very smart move. Which only goes to show that Obama is a selfish politician. He cares about himself, but not other members of his own Party.

    As far as this article goes, who cares what these jerks think?!

  • vive

    @unclemike, while I have never heard that claim, why does the “right wing claim that gays are all into anal” bother you? Why should we “counter” it according to you? I think you are just ashamed that people will think you are into anal. You realize that is also a kind of homophobia, don’t you?


    I can’t believe Sciambra ever did porn. Probably not a big money maker. Maggie seems to know a lot about it. Republicans are overly interested in it, aren’t they. Santorum can’t bring up anything relating to gays without talking about anal sex. Maybe his name does have something to do with it.

  • DarSco

    “Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to, about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a ‘butt plug’ just to be able to contain their bowels?”

    What can you be taking in your azz that you need a diaper or butt plug? I LOVE anal sex, I like to tung a sexy tight one and my favorate position is having the legs on my shoulder so i can look in the eyes of the person im entering.

    You have to be some kinda hoe to need a diaper from scewing when you are fortyish or fiftyish

    • Stache99

      @DarSco:Well, to be fair to the good Pastor Wooden I’ve seen some porn where the guys are sticking both fists in up to their elbows and clapping their hands inside. Kind of always wonder if the rectum was ever able to come back after that.

  • DarSco

    @Stache99: WHAT?!? OMFG! I have not seen that movie

  • OzJosh

    @NoCagada: Actually, the sphincter is just a muscle, and like any muscle, the more you use it the stronger it becomes. So gay men who do have (receptive) anal sex are far less likely to have any kind of prolapse or similar issues. I’m not sure any studies have been done to prove this, but I do know that some studies have already suggested that gay men who have anal sex are less susceptible to colon cancer.

  • Throbert McGee


    I do know that some studies have already suggested that gay men who have anal sex are less susceptible to colon cancer.

    I’d be VERY interested (and frankly astonished) if you could provide some links to such studies.

    ‘Cause what I’ve heard is that:

    (a) human papilloma virus (HPV), which can be spread during anal intercourse, definitely INCREASES the risk of anal cancer (which, however, is distinct from colon cancer); and

    (b) frequent and chronic irritation of tissues tends also tends to increase cancer risk, rather than decrease it.

    If you take these two together, it seems unlikely to me that gay men who bottom would tend have a LOWER risk of colon cancer compared to the general population. Of course, it’s possible that their colon-cancer risk isn’t raised, either, but is about the same as for everyone else, even though gay bottoms might have a higher risk of anal cancer. (Again, anal cancer and colon cancer are different diseases, and one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other!)

  • gaym50ish

    @vive: I think the relevance here is not that anyone thinks they should be ashamed of practicing anal, but that the homophobes are so fixated on anal sex as being something abhorrent that gay people do — while at the same time ignoring the fact that there’s a lot more of it going on among heterosexuals than among gays.

    According to a study released in 2011 by the Centers for Disease Control and the National Center for Health Statistics, 44 percent of men and 36 percent of women engage in anal sex. When you consider that gays are a small minority and a third of them are NOT into anal sex, there’s obviously more anal going on among straight people.

    Those whose principal objection to gay marriage is that we like this “disgusting” sex act should perhaps be lobbying to prevent heterosexuals from marrying.

    The anti-gay groups try to portray these sex practices as being inherently unhealthy. They will tell the public that gays suffer from “homosexual bowel syndrome,” an archaic medical term that you will no longer hear from any doctor — only from groups with “family” in their names, in their attempts to prove that gays are self-destructive. Bryan Fischer is one of the homophobes who keeps insisting that “most” gay men have to wear diapers. I’ve never known anyone who did — have you?

  • mbfmark

    35 years of anal sex and 25 years of inserting objects much larger than a penis and no diapers yet! Unfortunately, even in our own community there are those who are those who use the same crackpot diaper warning on we who like the stimulation of toys and hands. They fail to understand, presumably from lack of personal experience, that its more about temporary relaxation, not stretching – all goes back to a state needed for practical daily living afterwards. I don’t know anyone within this smaller community that likes toys and fists who has to wear diapers, even guys who have been doing it for 40 or 50 years. But I guess our society teaches us to dislike our butt holes from an early age and a lot of prudish adults never get over it.

  • vive

    @gaym50ish, sure, but that is not the intent of the commenters who, every time anal is discussed, just have to chip in that they are not like THOSE DIRTY PEOPLE who have ewwwwy anal sex, because heaven forbid straight people should think all gays are like THOSE PEOPLE.

  • NoCagada

    @Stache99: And…GUESS WHAT?!? You can find straight porn where women are doing the same thing!

    OMG! Maybe all those women with prolapsed sex organs aren’t getting them from childbirth! Maybe, they’re secretly into FISTING! DOUBLE FISTING!!!

  • Queer4Life

    Thanks I needed the laugh.

  • Hata H. Zappah

    What about those married same-sex couples who only have oral sex with each other? About the only pain that comes from that is if one of them bites down too hard.

  • erasure25

    @James Hart: But that number is likely based on underreported data. Not everyone chooses to mark “gay” on poll boxes. What’s the margin of error? The error might be greater than the result.

  • Jethro420

    I had to register after stumbling onto this article. I ran across this lecture not too long ago and it answered a long-standing question in my mind. How can homosexuality be so pervasive in nature? One would assume it’s a genetic disadvantage. Well, it seems the truth is very interesting, indeed.

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