Cities like New York City, Los Angeles, and San Francisco are strongholds for LGBTQ populations, but some gay guys say they’re happier as suburbanites than urbanites.
So we’ve gleaned, at least, from a thread on the topic in Reddit’s r/AskGayMen forum. The conversation kicked last month off after one user asked, “Why live in the suburbs or country as opposed to a city?”
“There’s no judgment in my question,” the original poster added. “I’m curious why so many LGBTQIA+ individuals live in the suburbs or the country as opposed to cities, which, in general, tend to be more inclusive.”
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For one commenter, suburbs provide breathing room on a budget. “I can afford to own a home in the suburbs. Owning in the city is too expensive,” that person wrote. “I also like having my own dedicated parking spot in my own garage. I like the not-busy streets. I like driving to the grocery store and back. I like the quiet. I spend much of my free time at home playing video games. Once in a while, I get out and socialize. I drive to the city sometimes. I like to visit, but don’t want to live there 24/7.”
A neighbor to the north spoke along similar lines: “Our big cities in Canada have priced out even the average person renting their own apartment in the city or anywhere close to it. All the gays that moved to the city instead of saving and living in the suburbs are being squeezed out one by one unless [they] make significantly more than the average person.”
One commenter has seen both sides of the debate, saying he grew up in a rural area and later lived in a major metropolis. “There is a peace and quiet that can’t be recreated in the city,” that commenter wrote. “And while the convenience and plethora of things to do are great, having space and quiet is more important to me. I now live in a small suburb of Philadelphia known for Republicans and general unpleasantness to diverse folk. I can honestly say things can change. My town of [more than] 5,000 people raised a rainbow flag two years ago for Pride month. It’s a small gesture, but progress is not overnight.”
Related: Gay guys reveal whether or not they got to “live out their youth properly”
For another gay, the hubbub of the city is precisely the problem. “I can’t stand cities with all the loud cars, people, general noise, normally higher prices, and go-all-night nightlife,” he wrote. “I go into the city as little as humanly possible.”
And a different commenter said he and his husband found “plenty of options” for affordable homes 30 to 45 minutes outside of New York City. “Don’t really miss living in the city,” he wrote. “My town is fairly walkable (including a half-mile walk from the house to a train that goes direct into Manhattan), and it’s not like we were going out to gay bars, fancy restaurants, museums, and Broadway shows that often.”
Also happy to commute for downtown date nights was the Reddit user who said he and his partner bought a starter home 20 minutes away from the city core for less than what they previously spent on rent. “It’s quiet, we don’t have people breaking into our apartment or car constantly, [there’s] minimal risk of bed bugs or fire, we’ve never had to park three blocks away and hike through a blizzard because some a**hole parked in our spot, and we’re homebodies, so driving 20 minutes for the few times per month we hang out downtown is no big deal,” he wrote.
OK, but no one mentioned the access to chain restaurants? Do Cheddar Bay biscuits mean nothing anymore?!
barkomatic
I can understand moving to the country or a suburb for peace and quiet and/or for financial reasons especially if you’re in a couple. A few guys I know came to regret it when their relationships ended and they felt isolated though.
maxdadmark
What wasn’t mentioned are smaller cities. Let’s not equate all “city living” with the huge metropolitan areas of New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago, Denver, Kansas City MO, Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. The less said about metro areas in red states, the better. I bought a house in the Providence metro area 29 years ago. 2.5 miles to downtown, water view of Narragansett Bay, and near the ocean, with drivable trips to Canada, Cape Cod, NYC, etc. Blue states abound (most of New England, New York, and New Jersey). So flee as you need to to boredom and/or scorching, arid swaths with depleted natural resources. And no legal discrimination, easy access to women’s health clinics, and no books being pulled of the shelves. You can even raise chickens and goats in some communities and still catch a play, gallery, philharmonic orchestra, museum and fine dining within 30 to 60 minutes.
FreddieW
I live in a suburb with conservative Christians, for the most part, as neighbors. It’s far safer than living in the city, and that’s the reason I live where I do.
maxdadmark
I hear ya.
maxdadmark
Missouri’s Republican-controlled House of Representatives has voted against banning children from carrying guns in public without adult supervision.
Scratch Kansas City. This is APPALLING!
maxdadmark
BTW, if your seafood is from Red Lobster and your Italian is from Olive Garden and Dominoes, you might be too far gone.
greekboy
I live in a small midwest city where I have a yard and sidewalks. I can walk to organic restaurants and grocery stores. I have gay and straight neighbors, black and white neighbors, kids ranging from babies thru high school. There are some bigots, but I fly my flag with no fear. Lots of university people live here. I laughed last week when I looked at the cars parked on the street and all I saw were priuses. If I, god forbid, wanted to go to a dead lobster or an olive garden I would have to drive
jackmister
I grew up in the suburbs and couldn’t wait to get out. I live in a blue state, but if you dare to leave City Limits it’s Evil Republican Town. No, thank you.
Thad
For years, gay people in the suburbs were considered the left-behind, the not-good-enough. But we’ve always been everywhere. There are even some suburbs with a significant LGBT presence. Collingswood, NJ comes to mind.
bachy
The suburbs always represented “marriage, homeownership and children” to me. I am a “single, rent-controlled and child-free” urbanite, but if I were to embrace “marriage, homeownership and children” I would definitely move to the suburbs.
abfab
I love a good walk score, 90 and above. Happy am I.
myloginname
My husband now works out of the USA and I won’t be joining him until Fall. We sold our place in NYC and I am living in his childhood home he inherited in ~gasp~ rural Kentucky population 1500. I was raised in Los Angeles I have had ZERO problems here and might I say my neighbors are downright friendly and helpful. Not what I expected.
Jack Meoff
The horny DL dads are a great incentive.
Max
LOL
bachy
yeahbaby
storm45701
I gave up the city when the homeless took over. Trying to avoid stepping in piss and sh** everyday is no way to live.
Kangol2
Having lived in cities and the suburbs, I’ll take a city anyday, though mid-sized is probably more amenable than huge. On the other hand, people forget that cities like New York have housing stock that includes houses with front and back yards, walkable neighborhoods, tons of amenities, etc. It’s not all glass and concrete towers!
LumpyPillows
I will likely retire to a smaller city or an interesting suburb. Key word “retire”. Happens to us all. Not a bad thing.
Rikki Roze
I moved from San Francisco to Tucson, AZ when I retired three years ago. This is one of the few regrets I have in my life. Even with the homeless problem and high cost of living there, SF is very special. The supportive politically strong gay community cannot be found anywhere else in the US. People there don’t assume you are straight and that makes a world of difference. And then there is the multicultural side of living there – different languages, different foods, different cultural influences. There is no evidence of a supportive, active, relevant gay community in Tucson. Too many pick up trucks!
Caelestius
Have to agree, mostly. I still live in San Francisco, right in the Tenderloin, where most homeless folks live and the drugs and trash are plentiful. But the minute I’m in a smaller city or the ‘burbs, I soon miss the sidewalk culture of SF.
Street artists, food carts, ten different languages in two blocks, the music of neighborhood festivals and the knowledge that people will speak up to bullies, shout down racists and homophobes–all this makes for a panoply of civilization that shrinks to pale grey in the land of sprawl. If instead of suburbs, with carbon spewing lawns, we had compact, densely inhabited small towns nested around transit hubs, book stores and farmers markets, I think the country would be happier, less divided. To live sustainably is exhilarating, like an arboretum next to a museum, not soul-deadening like a parking lot protecting a mall.
Colorado Couple
My husband & I moved to a Denver Metro suburb from the city almost 24 years ago. Most of our neighbors have been very accepting & we have a far larger home that we have filled with antiques than what we could afford in the city. It is only about 30 to 45 minutes to downtown when we have theater tickets, happy hour plans, etc. Our lawn is xeroscaped, so it is not “carbon spewing”. Plus, we travel by car frequently on both fun & biz & it is far quicker to get out of town onto the interstate. We would only go back to the city if we could afford a large, historic mansion.
crt284
I’ve lived in the Castro and Noe Valley in SF, then in Chestnut Hill in Philadelphia, and for the past 22 years have lived in a small township about 15 miles NE of Philly. I enjoyed the culture, inclusiveness, and walkability of the cities, but tired of the expense, the crowds, and the noise. I am not a fan of how car-centric it is out here, but I have never had any issues about being an out gay man. I manage to get around without being stuck in a car all the time, and love the fact that the neighborhhood is quiet, and I was able to buy a small rancher home for a reasonble price (it’s since been paid off). And, a short walk to the train station, then a 40 minute train ride, and I am in Center City Philly.
GayEGO
We have lived in the suburbs for years! In the early years we lived in 5 apartments in Boston from 1962 to 1966. In 1967 we lived in 4 apartments in Seattle, then we moved back to the suburbs in Boston for 2 years, 2 apartments. Then in 1969 we bought our first 2 family home in Melrose and lived there for 9 years. In 1978 we moved to a single home in Millis for 27 years and in 2006 we moved to Holden and retired.
ShaunNJ
We have always been found in suburbs and we’ll increasingly see our population grow outside cities. With regard to NYC and New Jersey, there are active, diverse LGBTQ communities and populations throughout our state including Jersey City, Hoboken, Newark, Maplewood / South Orange, Passaic, Clifton, Montclair, Plainfield, Asbury Park, Ocean Grove and Red Bank to give some examples. Having more space, value for money, and ability to purchase homes, co-ops and condos for a fraction of NYC costs is quite attractive. Many of these places are quite progressive, safe and (most are) as close as 10 – 45 mins from Manhattan by train or subway. With social media, gay-owned or -friendly businesses, apps and social groups, it’s fine to wade in the waters of the suburbs while enjoying access to jobs, entertainment, culture and all New York has to offer.