the funnies

Pentagon Approves ‘First Fabulous Battalion’ in Effort to Let Gays Serve Openly

What are you trying to do, Weekly World News? Move in on The Onion‘s territory? Because your latest article about the president’s plan to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell mixes fantasy with reality in a obviously-false-but-possibly-true story arc about flaming troops. And we love it.

What makes The Onion‘s treatment of gay issues (or any issues, really) so amusing is that they start with some sort of reasonable premise — say, a state supreme court banning same-sex marriage — and take it to so far to extreme that the original notion becomes ridiculous under any view. Like when the Colorado Supreme Court banned same-sex friendships. So you’re caught up on how satire works?

With Obama promising to “work with” Congress and the Pentagon to repeal DADT, and the gullible set believing this constitutes real action, it’s a perfect time to explore a ripped-from-the-headlines parody. Especially one that plays on the report that the Pentagon is seriously looking into whether separate shower and changing facilities are needed for The Gays. WWN:

Since the Clinton era the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has banned gays from serving openly in the military. With the need for more soldiers and more political capital, President Obama has pressured heads of the state department to come up with an alternative that would let gay soldiers serve openly. Officials within the Defense Department have developed plans for how to integrate what is being dubbed the “First Fabulous Battalion.”

“The first step towards total integration is a seperate openly gay battalion,” said Defense Secretary Robert Plant. “Within that group we can work out any kinks with, oh wait. I didn’t mean, was that offensive? I don’t know. What I mean is we’ll work out any problems there first. Not that I have a problem personally… I need to go.”

Plans are being drafted for an all-gay subdivision within each of the major branches of the military. Newly formed battalions will allow gay members of the Army and Marines to perform standard military duties openly. The only difference would be a more lenient policy towards mustaches and short shorts. The Army is meeting with gay military members of the BDSM community for possible use in interrogations. “These people know how to inflict pain without bruising or drawing blood. Uncle Sam can use that,” said Gen. John Swiftman. “And their sheer appearance could be enough to intimidate Islamic Fundamentalists.”

And WWN even changed the names to protect the guilty. Aww.

But hell, after tomorrow’s hearings and a multi-year “investigation,” maybe the First Fabulous Battalion will be their best solution.