the funnies

Pentagon Approves ‘First Fabulous Battalion’ in Effort to Let Gays Serve Openly

What are you trying to do, Weekly World News? Move in on The Onion‘s territory? Because your latest article about the president’s plan to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell mixes fantasy with reality in a obviously-false-but-possibly-true story arc about flaming troops. And we love it.

What makes The Onion‘s treatment of gay issues (or any issues, really) so amusing is that they start with some sort of reasonable premise — say, a state supreme court banning same-sex marriage — and take it to so far to extreme that the original notion becomes ridiculous under any view. Like when the Colorado Supreme Court banned same-sex friendships. So you’re caught up on how satire works?

With Obama promising to “work with” Congress and the Pentagon to repeal DADT, and the gullible set believing this constitutes real action, it’s a perfect time to explore a ripped-from-the-headlines parody. Especially one that plays on the report that the Pentagon is seriously looking into whether separate shower and changing facilities are needed for The Gays. WWN:

Since the Clinton era the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has banned gays from serving openly in the military. With the need for more soldiers and more political capital, President Obama has pressured heads of the state department to come up with an alternative that would let gay soldiers serve openly. Officials within the Defense Department have developed plans for how to integrate what is being dubbed the “First Fabulous Battalion.”

“The first step towards total integration is a seperate openly gay battalion,” said Defense Secretary Robert Plant. “Within that group we can work out any kinks with, oh wait. I didn’t mean, was that offensive? I don’t know. What I mean is we’ll work out any problems there first. Not that I have a problem personally… I need to go.”

Plans are being drafted for an all-gay subdivision within each of the major branches of the military. Newly formed battalions will allow gay members of the Army and Marines to perform standard military duties openly. The only difference would be a more lenient policy towards mustaches and short shorts. The Army is meeting with gay military members of the BDSM community for possible use in interrogations. “These people know how to inflict pain without bruising or drawing blood. Uncle Sam can use that,” said Gen. John Swiftman. “And their sheer appearance could be enough to intimidate Islamic Fundamentalists.”

And WWN even changed the names to protect the guilty. Aww.

But hell, after tomorrow’s hearings and a multi-year “investigation,” maybe the First Fabulous Battalion will be their best solution.

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  • Austin

    The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committe sent me a letter
    requesting donations to help the 2010 election cycle.
    I wrote a $500 check and tore it in half and sent it in
    with a note “This will be replaced with a whole check when
    Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is repealed”.
    I urge you to do the same with all requests for donations.

  • Ted B. (Charging Rhino)

    Segregated units is a worse solution than DADT… And what honorable service-member would volunteer to serve in such a unit? Most US military units are already integrated with G/L personnel…the Military just doesn’t openly-recognise that fact.

    The serior brass just needs to just get-over-it. The mid-ranked officers and senior NCO’s have been quietly dealing with this for years. They know how to implement the new policy once Congress signes off on amending the UCMJ; “…make war, not love.”

  • JT

    Was that supposed to be satire from WWN? Seriously, inventing quotes like that sure makes it seem fictional, but they are so deep into their own antireality I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually believed it. Of course, they’ll also probably insist that cameras be set up in the bunks and showers of their imaginary “Fabulous Battalion” so they can, um, make sure the homos aren’t doing something, well, against the UCMJ, yeah, that’s it.

  • alan brickman

    Austin gets it right…send torn checks..great idea…a gay battallion is a great idea. But Israel got this right the first time…

  • Victor

    @alan brickman: Tearing up checks? Are you kidding me? We should be sending emails and making calls – hundreds a day. The more we send the better our chances.

    I’m going to be sending 100 emails a day and making 100 callas a day. Lobbying is how you win politics. We should all be doing this. If you want to win, email and call as often as you can. I am following HRC’s lead – we should all become lobbyists and we will prevail.

  • Roussalier_20

    @Austin: Lol did you really? Omg that’s really good! XD It’s both funny as hell and it send a message, I think I’ll do that. Thank you sir.

Comments are closed.