Ever since Judy Garland first told us to “make the Yuletide gay” in 1944, Christmastime has been for the gays, by the gays — and holiday music is no small part of why. Any genre where one of the most popular songs tells its listeners to don their “gay apparel” has to be among the queerest of them all.
But beyond the songs themselves (and their wonderfully queer lyrics), another element of Christmas music makes it fruitier than fruitcake: the album covers. The holiday season compels artists to cover themselves in glitter and gold and become their most outrageous selves. In other words, it makes them as gay as possible.
What makes an album cover gay? It could be the suggestive nature of the art. It could be the utter campiness of Christmas the cover embraces. Or it could be the promise of something fabulous inside, like music by one of our favorite queer artists or by a gay icon and ally. (When the stars align, we get both at once.) Sometimes, straight people even make queer classics without meaning to. Michael Bublé, I’m looking directly at you — no one is buying that you and your “Santa buddy” are purely platonic.
Now, hurry down the chimney and take a look at the gayest Christmas album covers of all time…
Glittery by Kacey Musgraves and Troye Sivan
Why it’s gay: Sivan and Musgraves are both gay icons, and donning shimmering country couture only ups the fabulosity.
Christmas by Michael Bublé
Why it’s gay: Bublé’s version of “Santa Baby” is trying so hard to be straight it swings back around to fruity. Singing “I’ve been an awful good guy” to your sugar daddy is one of the gayest things a man can do.
Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey
Why it’s gay: Any album with this amount of vocal runs is clearly marketed for the gays.
Tis The Season by Big Freedia
Why it’s gay: The chorus goes, ‘Tis the season to be naughty / Back it up and shake your body.”
A Very Gaga Holiday by Lady Gaga
Why it’s gay: It’s not only Gaga, but early, rough-around-the-edges Gaga — aka the best Gaga.
Last Christmas by Wham!
Why it’s gay: Beyond featuring George Michael and his conspicuous hoop earring, two grown men playing Christmas dress-up is as gay as it gets.
Christmas Queens by the queens of Drag Race
Why it’s gay: It’s covers of Christmas songs, performed by a bunch of drag queens (some of whom have no business being in a recording studio). If you’re a fan, there are four albums’ worth of this.
Christmas Disco Party by Montreal Sound
Why it’s gay: Scantily clad disco divas are gay no matter the time of year.
8 Days of Christmas by Destiny’s Child
Why it’s gay: It features Queen Bey (and Kelly and Michelle are there too).
two queens in a king size bed by girl in red
Why it’s gay: It depicts a sapphic love affair in Christmas ornament form, which everyone knows is the next step after u-hauling.
Elton John‘s Christmas Party by various artists
Why it’s gay: Camp icon Elton John curated these holiday tracks and commissioned a silly little portrait of himself to boot.
All I Want for Christmas Is a Real Good Tan by Kenny Chesney
Why it’s gay: Kenny found a way to show off his arms, even in the coldest time of year.
Christmas With Kićo by Kićo Slabinac
Why it’s gay: Croatian singer Kićo made Santa a platinum blonde.
Disco Noël by Mirror Image
Why it’s gay: Beyond being a disco album, it uses the umlaut form of “noël,” which is extra as can be.
This Christmas by 98°
Why it’s gay: It looks like a gay club when the lights come on at the end of the night.
Chabelo en Navidad by Chabelo
Why it’s gay: Those shorts leave nothing to the imagination, just as gay Santa intended.
The Six Million Dollar Man: Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures from Peter Pan Records
Why it’s gay: That glimpse of a shirtless action hero in the top left was surely some little gay boy’s awakening in the ’80s.
Merry Merry Micklemas by Mickey Rooney
Why it’s gay: Adult onesies are queer. Period.
Merry Cajun Christmas by various artists
Why it’s gay: Santa’s wearing overalls and hanging with alligators. Camp.
Switched On Santa by Sy Mann
Why it’s gay: Synth-based Christmas music? You can’t convince us this wasn’t meant for the gays.
RIGay
I was waiting to see Weird Al Yankovic with “Christmas at Ground Zero”, but these all work.
Season’s best!
Rad
Thad
Merry Christmas!
Now back to getting overly sentimental over classic Christmas music.
Levixr
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