It’s one thing to realize you’re attracted to the same sex. It’s another to come to that realization after drunkenly hooking up with your best friend. And that fraught situation sent one hitherto-straight guy running to Slate’s “Dear Prudence” advice columnist, Daniel Mallory Ortberg.
The advice-seeker, labeled Possibly Bisexual, writes in his message that he has always identified as straight but is “panicked and confused” about his newfound feelings for his best friend since college, a guy he calls “Greg” for the sake of anonymity. He recently went over to Greg’s place to comfort him after a breakup, and he and Greg ended up getting drunk and sleeping together. “He didn’t take advantage of me,” Possibly Bisexual adds. “I remember everything I initiated it, and he asked several times if I was OK with what we were doing.”
Related: Teen falls in love with his “straight” lifelong friend, who then kisses him out of the blue
After the hookup, Possibly Bisexual talked to a friend about what happened and was “stunned” to find out from the friend that Greg had been carrying a torch for him. “It turns out that she and another mutual friend have known that Greg has had serious feelings for me for years, and that our whole friend group has been waiting for me to ‘figure out’ I’m bisexual because I’m ‘obviously into Greg.’ This is all news to me!” he writes. “I can’t stop thinking about it, and I am putting off replying to a message from Greg asking to meet up because I don’t know what to say.”
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Possibly Bisexual says he is “definitely attracted” to Greg, but he’s racked by questions: “Can you come out as bisexual when you’re only really into one guy, and in your late 20s? Have I destroyed my most important friendship by unknowingly messing with Greg’s feelings? Is it worth risking hurting him more by asking if he wants to try a relationship with someone so confused about his sexuality?”
In his response, Ortberg starts with the good news: “You’re doing fine! You do not need to keep apologizing for having sex it sounds like you enjoyed, with a friend you trust and find attractive; your hookup sounded complicated and flustered on a number of fronts but nothing that can’t be ironed out by an in-person conversation.”
And in fact, that last point is Ortberg’s only piece of advice. “Talk to Greg!” he writes. “Talk to Greg, and only Greg, about this. Not the rest of your friends, not to me, not to trustworthy-looking strangers on the bus who look like they have a lot of wisdom to share. Just Greg.”
Related: She’s convinced her boyfriend is gay because he knows intimate information about his best friend
Ortberg points out that someone can come out as bisexual at any age and that someone can be bisexual even if they’ve only been attracted to one member of the same sex, and that asking a best friend out on a date is no riskier than asking anyone out.
“Tell him that you’re attracted to him, that you care about him, and that you would be interested in going on a date or having sex again or whatever else you’re interested in exploring with him, then ask him how he feels,” Ortberg writes. “You don’t have to take yourself out of romantic contention just because he’s the first man you’ve slept with.”
Catholicslutbox
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mujerado
Message delivered: you’re skeptical.
Donston
This totally does read like some slash fic from dudes with “straight guy” fantasies. I mean, a ton of “gays” harbor secret feelings for their “straight” males friends and deep down wish that friend would develop feelings for them and want to be with them. I have never met any guy who has genuinely experienced that, like a fo’ real long-term relationship with a friend who thought he was “straight” and entirely heterosexual. But you never know. Fluidity has some legitimacy for some folks. High emotions can drive people outside of themselves. And the spectrum is some crazy stuff. Ultimately, if you feel that love towards someone and you have romantic desires, affections, emotional investment, relationship interests towards them who cares about identities or your past “lifestyle”. I will say that if I was the “gay friend” I would be a bit leery and definitely approach with caution. This type of situation can fizzle out real quick and turn bad quick. Despite developing whatever feelings for his friend, this dude could still at the end of the day have passions that veer very much towards women and only feel legit long-term contentment/fulfillment towards women. It’s a pretty big risk for both, and it almost seems inevitable that feelings will get hurt. There’s plenty of homosexual/homo-leaning/homo-affections/homoromantic/gay men who develop some type of feelings or attractions towards their females friends. So, they attempt to indulge a hetero relationship for some time. It often doesn’t work out because the dude remains romantically, sexually, emotionally, affection wise, relationship comfort wise very much tied to his sex.
Most “confused” guys do not express themselves like this dude in that letter. And what exactly does coming out in your late 20’s have to do with anything? So, admittedly, this very much does read like BS. In fact, most of these advice columns and Reddit posts read like “stories” people put out there to see if they will pick up steam or get published.
Jerry
This happened to me, my “straight” best friend now lives with his wife and two kids in PA. I was blown away the night he initiated sex because I was in love with him and I finally thought my dreams were coming true, it was my worst nightmare.
Grandolphrz
At least you had that one night. He cared about you enough to try to be intimate with you. Why was it a nightmare?
Donston
Well, not everything is about sex. And I’m guessing their dynamic got awkward and messy after that. The friend didn’t want to be with a dude and probably didn’t even want anymore hook-ups. Sleeping with a friend can be something that you can get past so long as there’s no feelings or misunderstandings and both can get past the embarrassment. But if there’s romantic and relationship longings from one side, the desire for a deeper type of love and commitment from one side then the friendship is bound to come to a conclusion.
Cam
Shouldn’t the word straight be in quotes in the headline? lol
Also, the supposed person this was about stated ““Can you come out as bisexual when you’re only really into one guy, and in your late 20s? ”
_____________________________
So in other words, if some straight guy is head over heels with one women he is dating and doesn’t even think of another woman, he’s not really straight?
These closet cases really twist themselves up in knots to avoid admitting they are bi or gay.
Donston
When people are trying to suss out who they are and what they want identity is frequently secondary. Identity is personal, political and sociological thing. There isn’t any rules to them. And people can and do change. Not everything is about internalized homophobia or not wanting to be seen as “gay”.
Cam
@Donston
Except that is what it’s about here. If he was going with the flow, he wouldn’t be reaching out demanding to know if this made him gay.
Donston
I’m speaking in generalizations. I somewhat agree in this instance. But I’m also doubting this story is authentic.
maleficent
who was straight in this essay?
billygfa
I’m SO glad I haven’t been OUT my whole life. From reading the comments here there seems to be zero decency when it comes to most gay men. Is this possible, sure. Is it a fantasy for many gay men who have fallen for their straight best friend, absolutely. Then why is this impossible or false? I’ve been out for nearly 20 years and at 55 I’m really proud of the fact that I’m not so bitter that I can’t believe that some things happen just because they do. Its not my place to be a bitch and question everything. But thats just me..you be you.
Donston
A lot of people are aware that much of those advice column stuff is nonsense. It’s not some big secret. And yes, friends sleep with each other all the time. And “straight” people have surprised homo hook-ups. It’s the sensationalistic and sentimental nature of this story that I’m just not buying. But whatever. But it could be legit. That’s why I approached it earnestly.
pharaon.em.joe
Hey everyone, if it didn’t happen to you, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to anyone. Sexuality and romance are not as simple as you think.