While some of you tossed and turned this weekend worrying whether Washington would resolve the debt-ceiling crisis in time, I lost sleep wondering which Hollywood actress Denise Richards was alluding to when she revealed her previous dalliance in lesbianism last week.
All she told Howard Stern when she broke the news on his show was “I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious.”
Okay, so from that we can infer that the mystery lady was a bi-curious actress. So that’s pretty much every woman in Hollywood. To narrow it down, Richards added, “She was a girlie-girl. She’s beautiful.”
WTF, D? Throw a dog a bone! Or at least nudge a lesbian detective in the right direction! Narrow it down to a year, an eye color, an astrological sign, something!
Determined to figure out whose lady basement Ms. Richards had once played in, I used the process of elimination. (For argument’s sake, I assumed Richards explored her girl cravings before she married Charlie Sheen in 2002.)
Click through the following pages to evaluate each of the candidates and determine for yourself who Richards might have bumped boxes with. It’s a veritable Hollywood whodunit!
Think it’s a different actress? Name your suspect (and why) in the comments!
Note: After conjuring up all these various Sapphic scenarios Richards could have been in, I’ll be spending next couple of days watching every hardcore gay porn I’ve ever downloaded or bookmarked to re-gay my mind and scrub it of the girl-on-girl graphics currently haunting it.
Image via Denise Richards Official.
What movie did Alyssa Milano and Denise Richards star in together? To my knowledge, not a one. However, in 1994, Richards played “Tammy” in Tammy and the T-Rex—hey, everyone has to start somewhere—opposite a very handsome Paul Walker. Three years before that, Walker appeared on Who’s The Boss, which starred… Alyssa Milano.
What if Walker introduced Milano and Richards? That would have occurred some time between Milano’s engagement to Scott Wolf and before she eventually married Cinjun Tate of Remy Zero. Though Milano might be a vegetarian, I still have a hard time seeing her dabbling in vagitarianism—so the potential for a Milano/Richards sandwich seems highly unlikely.
Image via Alyssa.com
Melrose Place had a cast full of beautiful, girlie-girl types, but with a quick scan through all the major players, there’s really only one who had that bi-curious glow around her: Heather Locklear.
At first I might have guessed Marcia Cross, who played crazy-ass Kimberly, but she seems a bit too thoughtful for Ms. Richards. No offense to Denise, I just mean that Cross doesn’t seem like the type who would put her paws in the lady puddin’ without a lot of premeditating.
Which brings us to Locklear who, playing resident bitch Amanda, very likely could have turned on a submissive lipstick lez like Richards when she came on the show for three episodes in 1996. Locklear was married to Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora at the time, but let’s just view that as a technicality.
Instead let’s imagine the blur of blonde and brunette hair whipping around as the two ladies tackle each other in Mrs. Locklear-Sambora’s trailer for the first time. Teeth mashing into teeth, hands frantically racing over each other’s bodies, tearing at button snaps and easily un-hooking familiar bra fasteners—what a hot connection this team would make! Could we call them “Henise” or “Deather”? Maybe “Lockards” or “Richlear”?
Imagine the two ladies crossing into foreign female frontiers they had never imagined venturing into before, splitting up only when Locklear told Richards, “Baby, I can’t do this anymore. I’m gonna have Richie’s baby,” whom she gave birth to in 1997.
Fast-forward to 2001: “Henise” is reunited when Richards joins future hubby Sheen on Spin City for four episodes and brazenly smooches Locklear on screen. Unbeknownst to the viewing audience, this was only the tip of the lesbian iceberg. But this time, Richards is the one who ditches Locklear when she marries Sheen in 2002. Locklear might have been able to capitalize on Richards’ last minute munchies for a missus before she moseyed on down the aisle but the reunion would have been quite brief.
P.S: Do you think Charlie Sheen would be good sex? Just curious.
P.P.S.: You know Sambora, Locklear, Sheen and Richards got their foursome on. Come on now, it just makes sense!
Now imagine, the wild fury of the Locklear when she divorced Sambora in 2006 and believed she might have a chance to go on another carpet ride with Richards again, now that the Wild Things star had finally split from Sheen the very same year.
But what happens instead? Locklear gets to watch her best friend and sometime bedmate move in on Sambora. Bitch! You know how [slight stereotype alert] some lesbians like to keep their circles tight and swap exes? “Hell no honey,” says Heather, “not if you want to keep your face attached to your head!” That would be some seriously shady game if Richards threw out the taco and just dove into the meat. But also a fabulous finale to an ill-fated fling.
Image from ABC via Melrose Place Page.
There were some reaaaal hot peeps in the sci-fi action adventure flick Starship Troopers—Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Patrick Muldoon, Ms. Richards. And that co-ed shower scene was the stuff our 14-year-old fantasies were made of. But frankly, if you had the chance to get with Golden Girl Rue McClanahan, who played an instructor in the film, wouldn’t you? R.I.P. Rue, but those be some legendary ladyparts!
Image via TriStar Pictures.
“And cut! Okay ladies, that’s a wrap. Ladies? LADIES!”
The summer I was 16, I was forced to spend a week with my grandparents in Bumblefuck, North Carolina. Determined to make something out of it, I rented every movie my mom would never let me see. I got a glimpse of Ewan McGregor getting his gay on in Velvet Goldmine and saw Kevin Bacon flash his bacon strip (it’s a millisecond but trust, you can freeze-frame that action) while Neve and Denise slobber all over each other in Wild Things.
A sexually frustrated teen, I didn’t care what it was I was looking at, so long as it was naked. Thus I could appreciate watching Ms. Richards practically scissor the house down with Ms. Campbell. What if the two just couldn’t stop themselves when the director of this 1998 thriller yelled, “Cut”? Or maybe rehearsals for the siren-on-siren scene got particularly extensive and the duo steamed up a trailer from deep cleaning each others’ velvet curtains…
It’s almost so obvious that it just doesn’t seem likely. Although, Wild Things could be where Ms. Richards got her taste for lady fingers.
Image via Mandalay Entertainment.
The Cast of Drop Dead Gorgeous
Drop Dead Gorgeous might have provided a goldmine of Sapphic opportunities for a full-time lesbian, but if we were Denise Richards, do any of these gals seem ripe for the proverbial plucking? Kirsten Dunst? Pass. Ellen Barkin? Nope. Allison Janney? Not the right fit. Kirstie Alley? Um, no. Mindy Sterling? Not really. Brittany Murphy? Can’t see it. Amy Adams? Like she would ever! I’m fairly certain this isn’t where Richards caught her short-lived beaver fever.
Image via New Line Cinema.
There’s something sacred about Dame Judi Dench, isn’t there? And something a bit too conservative and curmudgeon-y about her when she plays Q in the James Bond movies that almost entirely rules her out. I never thought she’d be capable of lady-lovin’ until she got all hot-to-trot for Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal.
Assuming Richards and the Dench spent some time together on the set of 1999’s The World Is Not Enough—you know, the movie that asks us to believe she’s a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones—then maybe, just maybe, it coulda gone down.
I mean, if you had a chance to tap some British nobility, wouldn’t you?
Image via Eon Productions and MGM.
The Ladies of Friends
Richards starred in one episode of Friends, as Monica and Ross’ cousin. But like any of these ladies would be more than just friends?
Image via Warner Brothers Television and NBC.
The Bimbos of Scary Movie 3
It would be any straight man’s fantasy to imagine Ms. Richards with any of the hot-bodied, playful blondes of Scary Movie 3: Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Anna Faris, the Klimaszewki Twins. But the mental image is almost so porny and obvious as to be impossible. Although, if she thought these ladies’ honeypots were all a little too white and Barbie-ish, Denise could’ve always gone for another one of her Scary Movie 3 co-stars, one with a whole lot more rhythm and rump than any of these women: Regina Hall (Seriously, have you seen Hall’s stripper dance in The Best Man? I might even go a lil’ lesbian for summa that. I mean, not like hardcore lez, just superficial petting and closed-mouth kissing.)
Image via Dimension Films.