A recently-widowed woman just discovered her deceased husband had a thing for sharing nudes with other men on Instagram and she isn’t sure what to make of it, so she’s writing to advice guru Dan Savage for help.
“My husband was a very good-looking man who took meticulous care of his body,” the widow writes. “He enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others.”
The couple was married for about 12 years before the husband passed away. Afterwards, his widow uncovered a list of passwords to his social media accounts.
“I made the mistake of looking at his messages on Instagram,” she writes. “He exchanged private images with hundreds of women and gay men all over the world.”
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“Not just photos of him shirtless. Photos of him fully nude from the front and back, images of his genitals, even video clips of him masturbating with his face clearly visible.”
The widow says she always knew her husband was a bit of an exhibitionist with a high libido and once “got in legal trouble for exposing himself in a public place,” but she had no idea he had been communicating with so many people behind her back.
“He expressed an interest in opening up our relationship years ago but I am monogamous by nature and he agreed to keep our relationship closed,” she writes. “And I believe he did.”
“I’ve read through all his messages with these strangers and there are no mentions of any meetings. I’ve seen dozens of messages from people wanted to meet in person and he always turned them down. But he never turned down a request for more photos.”
The whole thing has left her very confused.
“I hate sitting here feeling like my marriage was a lie,” she writes. “Also, men? My husband was straight. Why was he sending photos to gay men?”
In his response, Savage first offers the widow his condolences then tells her she shouldn’t ever doubt her husband’s love for her.
“Your husband was who you thought he was. Your marriage wasn’t a lie and your husband wasn’t a liar,” he writes, adding that she is just experiencing grief.
“As far as you know … your husband never cheated on you, and after reading thousands of his DMs, and since your husband didn’t think you would ever see those DMs, it’s safe to say you know everything.”
Savage continues by telling the widow to consider her husband’s DMs as a tool he used to relieve sexual pressure and nothing more.
“On Instagram your husband could expose himself to strangers who wanted to see him naked – avoiding both consent violations and legal trouble – without exposing himself to the temptations of face-to-face encounters, temptations that might’ve led him to violate the monogamous commitment he made to you.”
As for communicating with other men, Savage says he really doesn’t think that’s anything to be worried about.
“Your husband’s willingness to accept attention from gay men is another sign he was one of the good guys,” he writes. “Straight guys who are secure in their sexuality are much more willing to accept compliments from gay men these days–some straight guys, like your husband, even seek them out.”
Catholicslutbox
Lol? Who cares.
Share his noods, or his hotness is not true.
WashDrySpin
Well if she allowed him to perform some anal maybe he would not seek it elsewhere
Consider This
Is THAT what was going on???
Liquid Silver
He jerked off with other guys, dear. Also, pix or GTFO.
Godabed
why would you get advice from Dan Savage of all people… no mam
Larry
Why not?
barryaksarben
I know Dan and have read his writing from the very beginning and he is fair and honest if a little blunt. HE never just takes a gay side to anything so would give her very good advice. YOu obviously are not familiar with his work
EdWoody
This is the difference between men and women right here. A woman will think that looking at porn means he’s looking for more than her, that he’s likely to cheat. Whereas the fact is it actually means the exact opposite. A man watching porn or flashing his dick is doing so precisely to avoid going outside the relationship for sex.
Porn has no emotional context whatsoever to a man. To him, it is purely about flushing out the pipes so they don’t overload. But a woman can’t conceive of how that could be so. Hence they fight. This is why a man hides his porn from the woman – because he understands how the woman will react to it. The woman, however, does not seem so willing to make any such concession.
Man About Town
Was one of the men Dan’s husband Terry Miller?
radiooutmike
Always read and listened to Dan. Never looked up what Terry looked like…Woof!
trsxyz
Chalk it up to, “He enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others” and “he was a bit of an exhibitionist with a high libido” and then just let it go… Why fret over it now?
winemaker
Sad to hear of this and after the fact, the guy was gay. And the tragic part here, all the years she wasted on this guy, years she can’t get back that she could have had married to a straight guy without knowing this or having suspicions.
winemaker
Sad to hear of this and after the fact, the guy was gay. And the tragic part here, all the years she wasted on this guy, years she can’t get back that she could have had married to a straight guy without knowing this or having suspicions. Bottom line, ‘let it go’, move on and hopefully fin=d a straight guy who’s there for you.