A straight man recently realized he was gay and divorced his wife. Now, he’s falling for his friend and he’s not sure what to do about it. So he’s turning to advice columnist Colleen Nolan for help.
“Dear Colleen,” his letter begins. “After coming out as gay and splitting with my wife, I have been in contact with a male friend via Facebook and Snapchat.”
Related: Husband Fears He’s “Secretly Gay” After Touching Another Guy During Bedroom Swing Session
The friend has a girlfriend, the man explains, “but he keeps sending me provocative messages and photos.”
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“How do I respond?” he wonders.
“I know his girlfriend too,” the man explains, “so it’s all a bit difficult because I do find him attractive.”
He wonders: “They have no children, so would I be doing wrong by meeting him for a drink? Or should I tell his girlfriend that he has been messaging me?”
Related: Young Man “Feels Sick” After “Wasting” His Virginity On “Messy” Grindr Hookup
In her response, Colleen wastes no time getting right to the point.
“Um no,” she says. “I don’t think it’s up to you to tell his girlfriend and plant a bomb in the middle of their relationship.”
“What you should do is tell him you know he’s interested, but there’s no way anything is happening while he’s still with his girlfriend,” she continues. “You could fall madly in love with him but he refuses to leave his girlfriend, so where does that leave you?”
“My advice is to stop swapping provocative messages and, if he does leave her, then you’re free to get back in touch and do what you want,” Colleen says.
In the mean time, “there are plenty of gorgeous single gay guys out there looking for a partner.”
What do you think? Should this guy pursue his attached friend, or is he better off looking for other single gay guys? Sound off in the comments section below.
David Becker
Why exactly are we labeling him “straight?”
Phillip Bernal
Sound like a total Mess: if you are just ending a marriage and now you want to jump into another relationship? Dude learn what it is be a honest out Gay man… you have your whole life to find another “ONE”
RevTimmy Awestruckian
The closet is the enemy. Now that he’s free from his closet, don’t trade it for another closet-case!
“We shall overcome the lethal myth of heterosex-supremacy that dominates life and law on Planet Heterosex-Supremacy!” – Rev. Timmy, Ordained Awestruckian
Welcome VIDEO: https://youtu.be/0GJN5JcjhOQ
Over 6 million views! Thank you YouTube for including Earl & Rev.Timmy hoofing down 5thAvenue NYC for our freedom to marry! (at minutes 1:27).
VIDEO: https://youtu.be/WSiehK2asbI
brooklynboy
Stay far, far away! Pursuing a closeted friend is a terrible decision. Setting yourself up for the kind of grief you’ll never get over. No guy is worth that. NEXT!
NateOcean
What should he do?
That depends; how hung is his friend?
Bob Ashworth
Meet for a drink & lay all the cards on the table. Then tell him what the advice columnist said.
ChuckF
Love is a powerful emotions and must be treated with respect. In situations like this, tricky though they are, I’ve found honesty is the best policy.It’s uncomfortable at first, but it’s better than letting those emotions in both of you simmer and possibly explode and get you feeling inadequate.
Paco
“A closeted gay man recently decided to come out of the closet and divorced his wife after deceiving her. Now, he’s falling for his friend and he’s not sure the best way to help break up his friend’s marriage too…”
FIFY, Queerty.
Will Glitzern
Falling for a “straight” guy is a no-win situation. Been there, done that. Run the other way unless you like having your heart smashed in a million pieces.
TampaZeke
Queerty produces a story almost DAILY where they call closeted gay men “straight”. The writers here seem absolutely obsessed with closeted married gay men and other closeted gay/bisexual men who live as heterosexuals but have sex with men on the side and they seem obsessed with thinking of them as straight. It’s like a fetish with them.
bottom250
If this man is straight then sweethearts so am I.
Sam Oropeza
Straight man comes out? You mean, closeted gay man comes out?
James Purswell
Have sex 24/7 that’s what.
Low Country Boy
@TampaZeke: I agree.
Billy Budd
The columnist gave good advice. It is better to be honest and let the buddy know he has feelings for him. He doesn’t have to say “I love you”. He just has to say that he feels attracted to him. People lose so many opportunities because they are not brave enough to show their feelings.
GusBlogging
Its very obvious what the socially acceptable answer would be: don’t do anything as long as he has a girlfriend. However, I think this is not the reality and nothing anyone who is seriously interested can easily do. Maybe the “straight” guy is sort of exploring himself and needs this soft phase in which he tries to find out how much he really is interested in meeting or even dating a guy.
So not being politically correct, I think they can text until it gets way too serious. Let them them have a little bit of fun online – it doesn’t really harm anyone, although it is not 100% fair to his girlfriend. Nevertheless, this is probably quite tough for him, so it’s not up to us to judge him as being morally wrong for texting with a guy which might be completely new to him. It’s just important to tell his gf before something serious is happening – maybe it’s just phase and harm would be done that noone would have needed.
Gus from http://www.gus-guyblog.com
Desert Boy
Now what, Queerty ask? How is this any of our business?
AtticusBennett
dear gay men, you’re not “in love” with your straight friend. you’re insecure and still dealing with internalized homophobia and will waste years of your life pining for guys who will never want you unless you address it and get over it.
you know what kind of gay men constantly fall for their straight friends? gay men who don’t want to be gay.
Brian
This man should not have to identify as either gay or straight. In fact, men are at their most powerful when they don’t identify as either.
He’s simply a man who found another man more fulfilling than his wife. This happens very often. If he had found another woman more fulfilling than his wife, it would be the same thing for him. It’s sad but sh!t happens.
I also think it’s wrong for any female columnist to advise him to stick to gay guys. He’s entitled to seek out any other man he wants, including the boyfriends and husbands of women.
Women often find it threatening when they are forced to compete for the men they desire with other men – it takes away her sole mortgage on men and forces her to confront extra competition. Well, sis, deal with it.
Keep in mind, too, that women often force their boyfriends or husbands into the “false gay” category because they are unable to cope with even a small fraction of homosexual desire within his overall sexuality. Women can be very intolerant in this regard.
Paco
@Brian: He’s entitled? Well he certainly thinks he is “entitled”, since the only advice he is seeking is whether to instigate drama so the girlfriend breaks up with the friend clearing the way for himself, or pursuing the guy behind the girlfriend’s back. I guess going after a single man is out of the question.
I have zero respect for self-entitled people that have zero respect for the relationships of others. I truly hopes he gets all he deserves.
Brian
@Paco: I don’t agree with cheating but it takes two to tango. Everybody is entitled to seek out another person but the other person is not obliged to go along with it.
galatians328
What next?
a. he needs to pay a huge settlement to his wife, and
b. alimony for many years.
Children?:
c. LOTS OF child support, too.
And if the other guys’ wife finds out:
d. big money to her in the lawsuit
e. lawyer fees, court fees,
AND if/when he loses his job because of the scandal
f. maybe he can get a job in another city or state in retail
Rick
Run. The OTHER way. This is just a clusterf**ck waiting to happen.
martinbakman
Isn’t meeting through social media just a way to find a hookup partner, no matter how one portrays their intentions? Since he knows the girl, this all sounds super messy.
youarekiddingme
@galatians328: g. You didn’t read the article because,
H. The other guy doesn’t have a “wife” he has a girlfriend, and
I. There will be no big money in a lawsuit (no wife, no lawsuit), and
J. No lawyer fees, no court fees, and
K. You’re stretching it to say he’ll lose his job and have to move to another town as a result…
Hugh Haiker
#heteronormativity at its finest… when a gay blog employs it in their headlines.
Damon Strong
If this story is true (and most Reddit stories seem fake to me), then the “friend” seems like a devious, untrustworthy person.
Gary_Gans
@brooklynboy: I agree. You can cut off the flirting and be friends, but not boyfriends. It might feel like he’s into all that, but if you make an error of assuming that this isn’t just a little in jest, or perhaps some part of him that he is wanting to explore, the last thing you want to be is the focus of a hot mess. You would lose his friendship, and possibly a lot more.
When you are going through coming out you must realise that it is not just saying “I’m gay” and everything is fine. Have you had sex with another man yet? If not the LAST one to try it with is someone that is ‘questioning’ and still married to a woman. You do not want to be known as ‘that guy’ and have a trail of common friends that will already be processing your coming out. Many will be supportive immediately, and others will need some time. You need to explore your own boundaries as well as considering the boundaries of others, because you could find that many of those friends that are still wrapping their heads about you will suddenly run from you, fearing that you might try the same by some mixed up message, as your hormones are kicking into high gear about man-on-man sex. Some people think that gay men have this insatiable desire to have as many men as possible. Fooling around with this guy would scare some possibly good friends away. Actions have reactions, and so I say stay away. Get comfortable about who you are and what you are looking for in life.
Brian
@Gary_Gans: Just because a man desires other men at times, it doesn’t mean he should have to come out as gay. Coming out as gay in this circumstance is a form of surrender to women because it accommodates her misandrist desire to separate herself from male homosexual desire.
Men with male homosexual desires need to learn to stand up for themselves. Don’t let women – whether it be your wives or girlfriends – dictate the terms of your sexuality.
Joel Ramon
I see this so much and it’s sad. Always remember to be true to yourself and always follow your heart for true happiness. Some people and RELIGION’S need to mind their own FUCKING BUSINESS.
DutchGay
Well, guess he wasn’t so straight after all.
NoCagada
@Brian: “Don’t let women – whether it be your wives or girlfriends – dictate the terms of your sexuality.”
DO you even know what SEXUALITY is?
Stached1
@brooklynboy: This, if this actually even happened.
AxelDC
First of all, if you are a man interested in guys, you are not straight. He is either a gay man coming out of the closet or a bisexual.
Second, don’t mess with people in relationships. Nothing good can come of it. If he breaks up with the girlfriend, and then, after a sufficient cooling down period, contacts you, then fine. You don’t want to be a homewrecker or a rebound.
Remember, if he left her for you, he’ll leave you for someone else.
alterego1980
It depends. If you care for your friend and his girlfriend as people, then you’ll stay strong and tell him to go figure out his own situation first. Like the columnist said, There are plenty of other gay men out there, whether you’re looking for sex or a relationship.
If you don’t care, just want sex, and the other guy is hot, then you should go for it. He’s going to cheat on his girl with someone anyway. But he’s gonna have a ton of baggage about it. It’s best to make sure you’re emotionally strong enough to understand he’s not “the only guy out there”. If you go for it, and then he makes it all too complicated and dramatic, then you can bail.
CWM85
A straight gay man queerty?
gskorich
another example of a gay man pretending to be straight and ruining other peoples lives with their lies. why do men continue to do this to women just to please other people. this poor woman is probably devastated. the worse thing is he is asking for dating advice? sounds like this guy is pretty screwed up and should just leave other people alone
europeanguy
this shouldnt be titled “straight man comes out” it should be “gay man comes out” in no way is he straight, it even says that
europeanguy
@gskorich: no theres this thing called “denial”, he could have married her just to prove to himself that he isnt gay, hell there are numerous reasons other than pleasing other people, i wouldnt blame him at all, he deserves another chance in the dating game and so does his wife
Rishji
I’ve learned as a rule for any kind of relationship that when someone tells you, “I love him but [whatever reason, like he’s attached, or I’m attached] you should substitute the word “because” for the word “but.”
Someone in a relationship has a small window from which to view available partners. It’s like dating in a High School in a small town: few targets of opportunity, so you pick the best of what’s available. One can never be sure one is going to end up the love object once the closet is thrown open and he’s free to roam the world.
Young
There are a lot of really smart and valid opinions here; however, I won’t not give my two cents. The right thing to do is pay respect to this relationship. Commitment is commitment. That said, lying reflects deep disrespect. Say ‘no’, then ‘go’. Leave a heart shaped candy, but live up to you your commitments. It is oh-so-rare that we can ever convince someone to change their entire life to stick around with us. Honor that, but honor them as well by being honorable and letting them live their lives. Lastly, honor yourself. We all deserve a shot at love. The idea is to remove the obstacles that decades of shame have worked so artfully to install over us. Remember that love comes in many forms and goes way beyond sexual orientation. We are all here for each other.
dm10003
Learning the truth about yourself doesn’t always happen when you expect it to , does it?
I have heard of these things and the advice is spot on, have a lunch, not a drink, and talk talk talk first. It may pass, it may go your way for the best of everyone.
But talk talk talk first.
GayEGO
Good advice from Colleen. My lifetime partner of 54 years, married 12 years, met when I decided to live my life as who I am, a gay man. I went searching for a single man as I wanted a relationship without having to stumble through a mess with a married man.
straightlyslanted
you might want to limit yourself to just sexual activity with the closet and Guy. Just because he has a girlfriend that doesn’t make any difference. I have a girlfriend, she doesn’t know and sex is sex ,relationship is relationship and they are two separate things
robho3
And why is this a news story?
Chris
He’s doing what almost everyone of us has done: fall for our closest male friend. It’s just taken him longer to do so and, as a result, things are messier.
Since he’s an adult, my advice to him would be different than for a kid; and that is: think about the others in this and treat them with respect. Come out to your friend; lay your cards on the table; and let him know what his texts do to you emotionally. If he’s your friend, he’ll either back off or he’ll confirm what you think/hope those texts mean. Then it will be up to him to decide what to do involving his current relationship.
Minyassa
Don’t be an asshole. Poaching is asshole territory. Definitely tell him that you feel like there’s chemistry between you but he is with someone and you won’t be the Other Man. See what he says, go from there, stick to your guns and DON’T be the Other Man. You’re embarking on a whole new life here, don’t start it out on the low road.
Invert
@Brian: guy comes out, leaves wife and its a “form of surrender to women”.
Out of all the things in the world, being gay is the one thing that has the LEAST to do with women.
You don’t even know what gay IS.
youarekiddingme
@straightlyslanted: You have a girlfriend and she doesn’t know? Does she at least know that you’re having sex “outside” of your relationship with her? I mean if you’re in an “exclusive” relationship with ANYONE and you are cheating on them I don’t condone it but hey who am I? Just my opinion…you gotta look yourself in the mirror if you’re cheating on your mate.
greenmusic23f
@Invert: He doesn’t have any realistic view of women; everything in his world is women’s fault. Of course he can’t find “gay” on a map. He threw away the map because women could use it to oppress him.
hyhybt
Why did you word the headline and opening like that? Straight men do not realize they’re gay.
2jagmatt
Most commenters are assuming that he is “going to fall in love” or “wants a partner relationship”, but, he essentially just said that “he was attracted to this guy”. I don’t see any problem having a drink w/ him. For one thing, they are not married, and he isn’t forcing the dude to commit to him or “hook up” w/ him, nothing.
I find the advice given (to have nothing to do w/ him until he leaves his girlfriend) asinine. His “buddy” is an adult, and is completely capable of making up his own mind and choices. It would be worse if he was responsible (by telling him to leave his girlfriend) for their breakup, or for giving him ultimatums.
Being that he himself was in a relationship w/ a woman, they have a lot in common. Maybe, if nothing else, they could have a strong friendship built on shared experiences. Nothing wrong w/ that.
Plus, why should he demand a relationship w/ this guy? He is newly out, and it would be crazy to jump right into a relationship w/ the first man he is kinda friends w/.
spemat
This shit is nuts. Do any articles about bisexuality (mostly straight to mostly gay aka sexual bisexuality) show reality or anything but these filthy tales?? I am a gold star bisexual and lots of us are everywhere and even though 9/10 gay and straight people shoot us down and use and abuse bi women, we get called nazis over it. Most of us are nothing like this nor lead lives like this at all. Who is this gay dude who makes up this shit.
Plus in my area, none of the femme gays can get men outside their own group and these sluts share needles and fuck each other and each other’s men etc and I am of course “homophobic” for that. Plus, if he’s sexually bisexual romantically straight, it isn’t like he really will have to be “out” and the bi community like at bisexual.org on facebook etc is really doing our own work establishing our norms for coming out and we are better equipped to manage these questions. You guys expecting us to put on pumps and wave rainbow flags are forcing the homonormative shit on us as well. Granted, 12% of bis in LGBT are homonormative and are okay with this but heteroromantic bi men aren’t obligated by us to do anything except be out and honest and bisexuals are norming ourselves and most are not queer identified or LGBT identified and we can be the anti hetero/homo norm type like me or hetero leaning.
Most of us are in the heterosexual society and people know and we are actually changing things there but you call anyone not giving the nazi salute to the rainbow flag, self haters. We aren’t either or and go to the bisexual community to ask this and get support. The “come out and be out and proud and act femme and do this that etc” when that is good for our minority but most of us don’t feel like we have anything in common. We will fight with you when there is overlap against homophobia that includes us by default but when we get accused of being oppressors, hetero by proxy or really a closet case because we aren’t the exception, it is erasure. A bi femme guy does happen but they are like black dudes with small dicks or fat girls with no tits.
The Tower of Power
@AtticusBennett: It’s not wasting your time being single because only heterosexual men interest you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, and I personally would rather die single and never having been in a relationship than settle for a partner who does not interest me.
I don’t believe in settling when it comes to relationships. I stay single until I find a partner who fulfills me. If I never do, oh well, at least I kept to my standards.
Madonna wrote a song about this: “Second best is never enough, you’ll do much better on your own”