[Editor’s note: Queerty asked contributor Mark S. King, who has written about his history of drug addiction, to share some signs that a recreational party boy might be headed for serious trouble. He compared notes with other recovering gay addicts and alcoholics, and added his own experience to create this list.]
Who hasn’t had a wild night out, putting an exclamation point on it by hurling in the gutter when it ended? Lots of us have awakened bleary eyed, lying next to Mr. What Was I Thinking. Being the last to leave the club, and not under your own power, is practically a gay rite of passage. No wonder alcoholism is more prevalent among gay men.
And then there’s that other kind of excess, the classic crystal meth mess. You’re the guy who read “partying” in the headline of this post and your pupils dilated in pure reflex. Maybe you’re still tweaking from last night and have porn playing in three different windows on your laptop right now. Many of us have been there, sure, but for some of us, before we know it, it becomes a matter of How the fuck do I get myself out of this mess.
How do you know when you’ve gone from the life of the party to the point where your friends are telling you partying 24\7 is really not a job?
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Just in time for September’s National Recovery Month, here are some clues that your playtime might actually be crossing the line — and a few ideas and resources for what to do about it.
1. You say, repeatedly, “Well, I’m never doing that again,” and then you do
Ever spend the morning trying to piece together what happened after getting your wrist stamped on the way into the club? Or maybe you actually do remember making out with your roommate’s boyfriend after Jello shots (how many were there again?). So, you promise yourself you’re cleaning up your act, and then a funny thing happens: you do something equally as embarrassing the next weekend.
Some of us get the picture and don’t like what we see, so we stop it and move our lives along. If you’re stuck in the never/again/never/again cycle, you might be a hot mess.
2. Partying becomes more important than other things that used to matter
You’re met with a perplexing dilemma: dinner with mom or happy hour. And you really love your mom. So naturally you check out happy hour just so see who’s there. If you’re choosing time with Jim Beam or Miss Tina over family and friends, rethink your priorities.
It isn’t just about people, either. Maybe work isn’t as interesting anymore, or at least it’s not worth showing up on Mondays. You might still belong to your bowling league but only because of the pitchers of beer. The hobby projects you used to enjoy are gathering dust — or repurposed as a surveillance system in your bedroom. Whatever your interests, if you’re missing out on them because there are drink specials at the bar (or a glass pipe in your mouth), it’s time to take a break and rediscover your lifelong passions.
3. Your online profile says more about partying than it does about you
Does your cruise profile devote prime space to phrases like “party and play” and “anything goes?” Did you even notice there are other fields to fill out? And no, “PNP” isn’t a full time job. Do you change your profile location based on whose couch you’ve been crashing? Are your best outfits now being hawked on eBay? If any of these apply, it might be time to stop reading and do an online search for rehab centers.
At least one recovering addict, Broadway musical actor Steven Strafford, has turned his own, true story of alcohol and drug addiction into a one-man show as hilarious as it is harrowing. His brutally honest production Methtacular! is playing in Chicago and headed to other cities (watch a video review on the show below). Steven’s entertaining take on the wreckage of his past demonstrates that there is joy again after facing down your demons — at least when those troubles are seen through the rear view mirror. The first step is starting the work to put it behind you.
The fact your cell phone was cut off or your rent was late again could be a rare financial squeeze beyond your control. Or it might be because constant partying is expensive, and is squeezing out your paid work time, and you don’t have the disposable income of Lindsay Lohan.
Or maybe you’ve been changing your standards — about how wasted you will get, how many times a week you’ll wake up hung over, who you’ll sleep with, the risks you’ll take in bed — and the rungs have been lowered more slowly than a Mad Men episode so you haven’t really noticed the change. Or haven’t cared to notice the change. It might be time to take stock of things, and we’re not talking the liquor cabinet.
5. Something happened while partying that you really regret
You used to play it safe sexually every time, or at least know the guy well enough to make an informed choice. Then one night you decide condoms ruin the mood — a decision you make when you’re completely wasted. With a total stranger.
You got your first DUI, or had a close call with a cop. You wrecked a car. You woke up bruised. You look like they have begun applying the make-up for your Walking Dead cameo. But you write it off to bad luck or say you’re just not feeling very well.
Did your former best friend stop talking to you about something you can’t remember doing? Are you piling up a lot of former best friends? And speaking of friends…
6. You’re getting socially schizophrenic
You have your peeps neatly separated into two groups: the ones who party like fiends, and the ones who don’t. And you do not want them to meet each other. Like, ever. So you spend more effort keeping people apart than Charlie Sheen at a family reunion.
7. You’re lying so much you can’t keep track
You’re keeping secrets from nearly everyone. Your social world is getting smaller while you keep trimming away the party pals that can’t keep up with you (or know you too well). You start to feel like you are hiding who you really are, and you’re more anxious about people finding out your true identity than Clark Kent at a wet T-shirt contest.
8. You’re not the dependable guy you used to be
You call in sick. You cancel appointments, even with your mom. You go from Dean’s list to the D List in one semester. And it isn’t just you that isn’t dependable anymore. The party favors — whatever they are — aren’t packing the punch they used to. It takes more to get you off.
Basically, you’re not showing up for life anymore. Nothing is so important you can’t cancel at the last minute, and your reasons are flakier than a Martha Stewart pie crust.
9. You can’t stop
If you’re convinced you can slow it down any time, then try this simple test: stop. Whether it’s drinking or downing a tablet or snorting a line, just take a break from partying. For just two months at first, stop everything. If you can’t manage that, or the very idea sounds impossible to you, then you’ve got yourself a problem. (An exception: extreme alcoholism as well as addiction to certain prescription drugs like Xanax can be very dangerous to stop cold turkey. You may need professional detox.)
Don’t be afraid to ask for help stopping. Talk to someone you trust (your dealer and best party bud don’t count) and check for local resources. You don’t have to live like this.
10. If you’re asking yourself if you party too much, you probably are
It sounds like a trick question but it’s usually true. Underneath your exhuberant party animal exterior, you’re starting to question why you can never seem to walk away from the dance floor, the bar stool or the sticky sofa in your dealer’s bedroom. You take comfort that a lot of the things written above don’t apply to you, but you’re bothered about the ones that do.
There are questionaires to determine if you have a serious drug problem. A sobering wake-up call might be all the help you need, but sometimes you need professional resources.
There are LGBT friendly treatment programs. And there are gay meetings in most major cities of Alcoholics Anonymous and Crystal Meth Anonymous, with some pretty cool people waiting to help.
Sometimes, life is a game of musical chairs. At some point, the music halts and it’s time to take a seat. If the dance beat in your overly self-medicated brain won’t stop playing and you won’t sit down, get some help.
Life gets better, men.
QJ201
The problems you are running into are bigger than the problems you are running away from
TrueWords
@QJ201: EXCELLENT COMMENT
TrueWords
I will add the following:
DOWNSIZING YOUR LIFE…meaning you used to lived in a one bedroom apartment by yourself now you have a roommate in the same one bedroom place or you move in somewhere to have cheaper rent…but you constantly have money to drink, party and other things that are counterproductive…with NO SAVINGS in sight…
Desert Boy
I’m 29 years old and I’ve never been drunk. In fact, I don’t drink because I hate the taste of alcohol. Drugs? Never. Wouldn’t chance it.
Silas Wegg
01 Your teeth start breaking
02 You lose your job
03 You wake up and look 45 (You’re 30)
04 You test positive for HIV (And a couple other things)
05 You conflate your paranoid delusions and dreams with reality
06 You lose your hot bod
07 Your partying ritual begins soon after waking
08 You realize the only other person attending AA/NA fucked up is the homeless guy who’s bummed half a pack of your smokes
09 You try to but can’t remember the last time you were sober for any duration longer than mere hours
10 People pity you
Creamsicle
This is actually a pretty good list because it’s universal. It could just as easily be applied to gambling, shopping, or anything taken to excess to the point that you feel the need to hide it from people.
boring
Dear God, stop saying “party.”
AtticusBennett
“too much”?
how about “top ten signs you are partying” – only you don’t need ten, you need one. you’re doing meth. you’re not partying. you’re a meth user.
you show me a meth story with a glamourous ending and i’ll show you a unicorn.
onthemark
@boring: Yes, that’s the creepiest thing about all this – that the innocent & fun word “party” has been co-opted into a euphemism for DOING METH!
Given the way language evolves, will it be totally indecent 20 years from now to refer to a New Year’s “party,” or a child’s birthday “party”? Ugh.
@AtticusBennett: Gotta agree – other drugs CAN be bad, depending on the individual’s physical/ psychological makeup etc, though very often people just grow out of it (cocaine especially, in my experience) and move on to more or less responsible adulthood. But meth seems different, always ending in disaster.
wpewen
Frankly, gay men are really bad with funding for services like substance use. Don’t know why. AIDS si, alcoholism no. The city itself paid for San Francisco’s pioneering program in getting guys off meth, not the rich guys working on Montgomery. Go figure.
onthemark
@wpewen: There is a reluctance to define this as a “gay” problem at all because (1) they think it would make us look bad to the outside world (debatable) and (2) there is definitely an element of personal responsibility that’s missing with, for instance, gay teen homelessness which is out of the victim’s control.
I’m not rich and I don’t work on Montgomery St., but if I have an extra $25 for charity at the end of the year, I’ll give it to a shelter rather than to try to cure some meth addicts who should have known better in the first place. It’s not like the dangers of meth are generally unknown. Everybody has heard about the dangers of meth going in.
Besides, the “science” of rehab and 12-step programs seems dubious at best and consists of telling them to stop doing it… no really, stop doing it… hey we mean it this time, stop doing it… no really!
Stache99
@onthemark: I tried meth in SF/1997 and loved it. I was young and moved in with this tweaker and he of coarse got me hooked immediately.
At first it was great. Just thought it was like strong caffeine. I could finally be up after midnight and never be tired again. I felt like I’d discovered a whole new world. I went from a wall flower to someone people liked being around. boosted my ego through the roof.
This was before all this anti meth advertising you see. There wasn’t even a CMA group formed yet. Plus, it really seemed like everyone was doing it. The city had just come the darkness and people just wanted to party and just forget. The big circuit parties evolved around this time too to cater to this new party crowd. It was all exciting. It went from cute to VERY messy eventually though.
Took me years to escape and I finally did thankfully. It’s VERY addictive and once you’ve jumped in you’ll be in a battle to get yourself out. Just took a huge toll on my life as it does most. Gave me allot of empathy for people suffering with addiction and mental illness though.
Stache99
@onthemark: Btw. I was out in Palm Springs a week ago. First time sober and it was great. The only time I saw it before was at the white parties. I Remember one time wandering through the desert all night scared out of my mind thinking that the CIA was chasing me. Ah good times:)
wpewen
@onthemark: I should have said it differently. Right now I’m in a men’s sober living house, my case alcoholism. When I looked at the ones specifically for gay men online they were expensive, priced strictly for the upper class. The staff here does not care about your sexual orientation. There are a couple other gay guys. (You do have to fit in, one young guy left basically because it’s not for effeminate men, they don’t fit in). That is the real world outside of say SF,LA. Quite a few blue collar gay guys around outside of the City. I’ve lived in both WeHo and SF when I was younger and found SF particularly dismissive of gay men (except in the sack) who didn’t have cash. I was 24 in the 1980’s watching my peers there destroy themselves, before meth hit.
Geeker
Anyone who uses meth (at all) has a problem.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Once upon a time you could read those 10 above and hum One Directions’s “Story of My Life” (which I still love despite Liam being a vile bigoted hate filled closet case pedophile defending little pig)…………………..
Then one day I got sick and tired of being sick and tired…………………………..
wpewen
I’ll add: I’ve always been on the fence w/ 12 step programs, one I’m in now is working for me. I do think you have to pick and choose.
I did meth 20 years ago and man was the sex great-that’s why I did it for a while.
If you say to a lot of gay guys like myself “just stop” you may fail. I was able to simply stop with no problem later because marathon sex gets old. Everybody has different reasons for using recreational drugs.
I think in general the men’s community needs to tuck it in. Straight guys often resent it because they get called on acting like dogs. Lets face it guys, we’re blessed-we can have a lot more action than straight men get.lol. Maybe my happiest revelation when coming out in 76.
Meth makes good times bad.
Lvng1tor
Bottom line is if you need intoxicants of any kind to have a “good time” or in the case of meth you’ve done it more than once (not gonna beat anyone up for experimenting) seek help and don’t let anyone like some of the “YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER YOU’RE NOT WORTH HELPING” people above make you feel bad about yourself. It happens to even the people that “should know better” and the people you “never expect” and the people who “never drink to excess and would never try a drug EVER” in their 20’s and your life can be good again w/o drugs and/or alcohol.
In the case of Meth it seems to attach it’s self to people who have never shown addictive personality attributes in their past. It is scary as F@ck. I was the guy who had it all. I was in my 30’s, relatively attractive but dated really attractive, was seen as confident (and I was) Had lived all over the world, made close to 100g/y, very healthy, respected at work, funny etc….the had it all guy and met someone who was a fun fuck bud who seemed to have it all more than me. He kept offering me meth, I kept saying no…but he seemed to be having so much fun on it with no bad affects. I was very naive when it came to “party” life. It had never been me. I’d lived in NYC for all of my 20’s and tried coke 3x’s it was just ok and E 2x and it was fun but never really thought about either outside of those times. I didn’t drink much and never to excess and smoked pot less than 5x since high school. So finally on a vacation from work I thought WTF I’ll try it with this guy I “trust” I freaken loved it (I’ve got hyperactive disorder so it’s affects were like coke & E with the idea/feeling of hyper control) I didn’t use it again for months but it was always on my mind and eventually I began using weekly. Over the next 5 years I gave meth everything I had worked my butt off for and have spent the last 5 years working to get it back. I was the guy “Who should have known better” but I am the person who some of you would judge and seem to think you are better than….but here’s the thing…if your lives are so amazing that you can judge or look down on others then you aren’t dealing with your own feelings of insecurity.
No one ever was able to build themselves up by tearing others down.
Please get help and help others (not at your own safety or personal health expense. There are limits)…we are all worth it http://lmgtfy.com/?q=meth+rehab
misterhollywood
Interesting post. My own experience has been that the meth thing has become a bit less of a problem when compared to 5-10 years ago. Just seems like less people I know use this drug. It could also be because I am getting OLDER. LOL.
wpewen
@Lvng1tor: That’s the kind of social insight that’s good in the mens’ community. Instead of “my little world.’ That’s the kind of insight guys like Harvey Milk had. Good to hear it.
onthemark
@wpewen: “Marathon sex gets old” – lol. I don’t disagree with you, except that I wonder (as an outsider) if 12-step disagrees with you since they’re always saying that addiction is a progression that *always* gets worse over time. Whereas in real life, we see that’s not necessarily true. We often see people giving up addictions as they get older, just because the physical effects get to be too annoying to deal with.
Also, on the interesting crime show “I Almost Got Away With It,” there are straight, white trash, redneck hillbilly guys doing meth together all the time. Presumably they don’t have “marathon sex” with each other (well, probably not!), they’re just doing meth together *ad infinitum* (and planning crimes to pay for it). So it’s interesting that the cultural expectations for meth vary so much between the gay and hillbilly communities.
@Stache99: What you say was valid enough for 1997, when meth was little known about. Back then, in the wrong circumstances, I might have got caught up in it too. But that was 17 years ago and everyone knows better now.
@Lvng1tor: Apparently meth makes a person very paranoid and defensive! Who knew? 🙂
I don’t quite get why it’s so important to define meth as a “gay” problem when the vast majority of gay men have never done it. But if it helps, we can send out some compassionate mind waves in your direction… OM… om mani padme hum… OM… there, how’s that?
Lvng1tor
@wpewen: Thank you that’s very kind.
@onthemark: Wow it worked! I suddenly want to go extend an olive branch to an uneducated overly opinionated a&&hole….so how are you?
Stache99
@misterhollywood:I’ve said the same thing. Seems like it’s not being used as much anymore. No ones doing it anymore! Ya. Were not doing it and the people we choose to have in our lives aren’t doing it either so our universe and perspective is now a drug free one.
However, go to some site like Craiglist and type in party or Pnp. Do it on the wknd or some holiday. You’ll still get 2 pages worth of ads.
Stache99
@Lvng1tor: I could’ve written that for myself. You end up just not caring anymore. It’s all about making your life safe that lifestyle. The parties, sex, and the so called new friends that could care less about you as a person. Seems insane looking back.
It’s funny that we all think were so damn unique but end up with the same ass story. Things like building a life get trampled and reduced to last place in priorities when you do that shit. It literally rewires your brain where you only think you’re in control. I’m sometimes just awed by the power of it. There’s no other drug that can do what it can. I truly think it’s the worst drug out there.
Then there’s those damn cute names we gave it as others have pointed out. That was a problem in itself. You’re not partying. Your effing doing METH!
Stache99
@wpewen: The sex was beyond good. It was other worldly. You know no matter how much sex I’ve had in between my brain still likes to go back to those party marathon sex times when I’m J/O. I used to feel guilty about it but it is what it is. You can’t help it. I don’t think I’m unique either.
Geeker
How do you know you’re doing too much meth?…YOU’RE DOING METH!!!
Lvng1tor
@Stache99: 100% my brother! I
wpewen
@onthemark: Twelve step programs vary in their effectiveness. You have to accept that there is a spiritual component to your addiction, there’s no way around that one. The rest is widely varying, believe it or not. Some are real holy rollers, other groups are more accepting of medical information. Actually one of the founders endorsed other means of sobriety, which a lot of AA people are oblivious to. You have to find a “fit” cause it’s a support group primarily. I’ve been to gay AA and sat through lesbians talk. I have nothing in common with them, so I go to men’s meetings, period. More in common with straight men my age except for sexual preference, and there are other men like me doing the same.
TomMc
Might I attempt a response in jest Mr. King?
1. You say, repeatedly, “Well, I’m never doing that again,” and then you do.
Like folks who’re closeted and have an encounter with someone of the same sex which they then regret?
2. Partying becomes more important than other things that used to matter
Like gay activism becomes more important than…?
3. Your online profile says more about partying than it does about you
Not unlike how some gay people, just out of the closet, become more about “being gay” than about just being…??
4. Consequences are ignored
Like when gay folks come out to their friends/family members, and etc. “with ‘pride'” and are shunned, yet still are unwilling to budge an inch to concede to their family’s/friend’s demands that they be less obsessed about it?
5. Something happened while partying that you really regret
Like some gay folks regret sex they’ve had, just because they’ve needed to reach out to anyone, and that someone turns out to be a mistake?
6. You’re getting socially schizophrenic
Like when gay people lie to their families/friends/EMPLOYERS just to maintain their image as straight?
7. You’re lying so much you can’t keep track
… like you may forget who knows you’re gay from who doesn’t?
8. You’re not the dependable guy you used to be
Not all guys are dependable to begin with.
9. You can’t stop
Like one can’t stop feeling “impure” (sic) thoughts about members of the same sex they wanna have sex with??
10. If you’re asking yourself if you party too much, you probably are
Most humans doubt themselves occasionally.
Now, Mr. King, you are a good writer and a great activist (plus you’re not hard on the eyes.. haha).
But man, moral condemnation of any sort directed against other gay/bi/trans folks ain’t cool; and ‘intemperance’ discourse was/is just that: Moralizing.
Finally, I’m a lucky 48-year-old; I’m not HIV positive. Yet you, Mr. King, are – yet, you’re little older than I am.
(Now finally, remember what you just felt like when I penned that last quip above before you post another screed attempting to demonize a part of *our* community?)
Stache99
@TomMc: Wow. I have no idea what your issue with the author is but you come off sounding extremely bitter and petty. It’s not always about you sweety. So eff off.
Geeker
I wonder if most porn stars are on meth.
TomMc
@Stache99: You’re right Stache99, I can be selfish at times, and I apologize if I hurt you with my possibly-too-inappropriate analogy. Next time I’ll try to think more before I press “Submit comment”. Thanks for calling me out about that stache99. Much appreciated.
lockup studios
WHAT CRAP I’VE HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN 20,000 MEN and 5 females and have gained 10 years of awake time longer than someone my age I sleep 2 to 3 times a week for about 4 to 6 hours .Ive had below 100 t cells sense 1990 and never ever taken an HIV drug . And quit drinking due to loss of desire when I used to consume 15 to 20 Rum and Cokes daily till I started Using METH on a daily basis 25 years ago I’m 52 and still doing 7 to 10 new tricks a week and METH every day .
jdboston617
@AtticusBennett: Yes. Good point. I try not to judge what drugs people do but I do wonder why anyone would try certain drugs that seem to ruin everyone who tries them like Meth, Crack, and Heroin.
I understand that the high could be amazing but how can it be worth the risk? No one walks away. No one. You sell your soul and life for it and you will be chasing that first high for potentially the rest of your life.