My cousin is engaged to a woman with a baby on the way, but I’m 99% sure he’s into guys. Should I step in?

Hi Jake,

I’m pretty sure my cousin is into guys. He recently got engaged to a woman after getting her pregnant (baby is due in August), but I’ve always gotten queer vibes from him.

He was a super sensitive kid who was really into stereotypical “gay” things like musical theater and dance. Then in his 20s he got really into the gym, working out all the time and posting thirst traps taken in the locker room. He’s in his early 30s now, still totally ripped (but posting less thirst traps), and dressing better than almost anyone I know. He especially seems to love wearing tight-fitting designer t-shirts that show off his biceps.

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But the real head-scratcher for me is the number of gay men he’s friends with and/or follows on social media. We have a shocking number of mutuals, including guys I’d never expect him to know or be friends with. I swear, I’ve never known a straight man who’s so tapped into his local gay community.

We’ve never actually talked about how he identifies or why he has so many gay male friends, but I’m very curious, especially as he becomes a husband/dad. I’m worried he could be trying to force himself into a role and situation that won’t make him happy. Should I step in and say something?

The Closet Police

Dear The Closet Police,

As the Magic 8 Ball might say, “Signs Point To Yes,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean your cousin is gay.

After all, a lot of heteros are pretty cool with having queer friends, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, doing musical theater, or even bucking traditional gender roles when it comes style. For some, posting thirst traps is way to generate validation, from both girls… or guys, but it doesn’t always indicate who they want to sleep with.

That said, your gaydar may in fact be spot-on, and your cousin simply hasn’t admitted his true feelings to anyone yet (or maybe even to himself). Of course, sexual orientation falls on a spectrum, so there’s also the possibility he could be bisexual, which might make his choices feel more complicated to someone without a full understanding of what’s going on.

That said, as queer people know, coming out is a very personal process, and if your cousin is dealing with a lot of shame, internalized homophobia, fear, or familial/societal pressure, it might take time for him to be ready to admit his truth. Sadly, sometimes a girlfriend, wife, or even a child can become collateral damage in the process.

I can completely understand wanting to intervene, especially if you’ve gone through an experience like this yourself. Unfortunately, everyone is on their own path, and if he’s he not ready to admit anything to himself or others, he’s probably not going to be ready to hear anything you have to say. He needs to work through his own internal feelings, on his own timeline… even if that means hiding a part of himself for a while longer. In fact, if you try to pull the curtain back too soon, he may become threatened, and shut you out.

You can certainly make it known that you’re a “safe space” should he ever need support and convey to him that you’re available to talk. Assuming you’re out to him yourself, I’m sure he already knows there’s a place to turn to should he need some guidance, or a shoulder to cry on. But, I’d let him come to you, rather than you going to him.

As much as it pains us to see our queer comrades struggle, especially when we know other people in their life could eventually be hurt, it’s not our job to save the world. If you think back on your own coming out, you’ll probably remember that you weren’t ready… until you were.

I encourage you to live your life as openly and authentically as you can as an example for your cousin. If he is secretly closeted, he’s paying attention to you as a queer person in the world.

At the very least, it seems like like you guys have a lot in common. Sounds like he’ll be a fun person to kiki with at the next family reunion?

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.

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