Hi Jake,
I met a guy through Facebook, and we’ve been texting each other for almost half a year… but haven’t met in person.
I swear, this is the real deal! We send romantic texts and emails throughout the day, chat for hours into the night, and regularly Facetime. There is an undeniable chemistry between us and I don’t think I’ve ever been treated with such adoration.
How about we take this to the next level?
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He’s in the army, and says he’s coming home soon, so we’re we’re finally planning on meeting in about a month. I was super excited, until recently when he said–spoiler alert–he’s going to propose!
I wasn’t sure how serious he was, but then he asked for my ring size, and keeps sending a text emoji of two rings together.
Don’t get me wrong, at first I felt flattered. I mean, I haven’t been proposed to before! Part of me wants to say “Let’s see how this goes!” and let him sweep me off my feet.
At the same time, I’m probably not ready to be married, much less to someone I’ve only seen online.
He actually said that if we don’t tie the knot, he’ll probably need to end our relationship, saying marriage is what he wants more than anything, and he has no more time to waste.
I can’t decide if I should just throw caution to the wind, or risk losing the person I’m in love with.
Swiping Right… or Wrong?
Dear Swiping Right… or Wrong?,
An online relationship can be very exciting and fulfilling. Many people have met their soulmates on the internet! That said, while I have no doubt that what’s happening between you two is real, certain things are often missed in these sorts of situations, simply due to logistics.
When relationships have a lot of distance, what happens is that we fill in the unknowns with fantasy, making assumptions about the other person that align with our expectations and ideals.
Many times, when two people finally meet in person, it feels completely different, even after hours and hours (and hours) of calls, texts, and other messages. After all, you don’t even know what your physical chemistry will be like!
So, as with any relationship, I think it makes sense to get to know the person fully, before making any major commitments, especially marriage.
Sure, a proposal can be an alluring proposition. But are you caught up in the validation and love-bombing, or is this really someone you can see living the rest of your life with, which includes the monotonous or difficult parts that come with a relationship down the line?
Besides this, giving someone an ultimatum for marriage the way your boyfriend has feels like a red flag. If it’s a lifelong commitment, then why does it have to be so imminent? Wouldn’t it make sense to spend some time together first in person, before deciding what feels right?
It makes me wonder if there’s some ulterior motive here. Is he trying to lock you in for some other reason (financial, or otherwise?), or have I seen too many episodes of Catfish?
Regardless, he’s threatening to pull away his love from you if you don’t bow to his demands, which feels controlling, and unhealthy. If he really values you, and sees that you’re a catch, it’s him that should be bending over backwards for you, not the other way around.
Unlike Baby Reindeer, I encourage you to have strong boundaries with this person, and stick to what feels right, without caving to any demands. Relationships should be something we negotiate, and not make us feel controlled or pressured.
As with all relationships, proceed with caution. Don’t let the love-bombing fool you… or you may blow up your whole life.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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Diplomat
Wait to meet first…
SUPREME
yes!!!!
Man About Town
“There is an undeniable chemistry between us” — sorry pal, but that’s not possible if you’ve never even met.
dbmcvey
6 months isn’t enough time to get to know someone you’ve actually met.
winemaker
Is this guy for real or what? Let me get this straight, he’s been correspponding with this so called potential husband for almost a half year over the internet yet hasn’t met in person but thinks this guy is the one. What kind of BS has this elusive internet very likely CATFISHER been feeding this other guy who seems desperate for attention to make him think this is for real? My first question, among several: Has he sent this online guy money? Has he done his due diligence on this guy to find out if h’s legit? He says he’s in the Army, easy to verify this and if anything seems off, best thing to do, cut ties block the guy and move on and don’t waste any more time on clowns and losers like this. He should be thankfiul he only wasted 6 months, imagine if he wasted more time and possibly sent this possible catfisher or scammer money. Really there are too many scammers out these that have screwed up online dating making many of us super cautious and cynical of this process. Bottom line, what has happened to actually meeting someone in person, getting to know them and taking things slow? Wow such a concept, who da thunk?
ruckrack79
You are absolutely right winemaker, it’s possible this guy is genuine, after all I met my partner online and we had a long distance relationship for 2 years due to covid travel restrictions, but I never dreamed of being serious with him until we actually met and I had spent time with him. Until then we knew we wanted to see how we went as a couple but we weren’t committed at all as you can’t judge someone properly online. The fact this guy is in the “army” is a total red flag I think, as every scammer uses the same scenario.