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Top 10 Most Ridiculous Things Ever Said About Gay Sex By Conservatives

 

“You know, in the instruction manual, it said, now plug this into a 120 [volt] outlet. Suppose I said, ‘Oh, I’m not going to follow those instructions, those are antiquated instructions. I’m going to plug it into a 220 [volt] outlet. It’s my TV and I can do whatever I want to with it, but I’m going to blow that TV to smithereens if I put it in a 220 outlet! The manufacturer made it; he knows how it operates best. The Bible is God’s instruction manual for us.”  — Robert Jeffress

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex will make you explode.

The Reality: In a recent interview with Trinity Broadcasting Network, Texas Pastor and prominent LGBT headache Robert Jeffress attempted to explain what he considers God’s manual for sex.  According to the pastor, a penis is like an electrical plug and a vagina is the only fitting socket; and if you go around sticking your plug in other outlets, well, you know, you might just blow up.  While we can all agree the Jeffress’ botched metaphor is a complete sham, I am starting to wonder if I should hire an electrician next time I get into bed with someone, just to be safe.

 

 

 

“The court says it is in certain limited circumstances, but you know what that [homosexual] behavior does? It cuts your life by about 20 years.”  — Bob Marshall

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex kills you twenty years faster than straight sex.

The Reality: There should really be a mandatory class for politicians, or well, anyone for that matter, to quote statistics from a survey, since most research is subjective and really easy to misinterpret. Take Virginia delegate Bob Marshall, who in a CNN interview, “quoted” statistics from the International Journal of Epidemiology during an anti-gay rights rant.  It would have been a lot more effective if one of the co-editors of the journal, Julio Montaner, didn’t later come out to state that Marshall’s report was, “a gross misrepresentation of the research.”

 

 

Homosexuals are 100 times more likely to be murdered (usually by another homosexual) than the average person, 25 times more likely to commit suicide, and 19 times more likely to die in a traffic accident.” Dr. Edward Fields

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex increases your chances of getting murdered and hit by a car.

The Reality: Remember how we just said that people should be required to take a class on using statistics. Well that also goes for people who poll statistics. Take for instance, Dr. Edward Fields, an anti-Semitic, anti-Communist, white supremacist who coincidentally published a journal titled Is Homosexual Activity Normal. Though there were tons of falsities within the journal, the most insane statistic, hands down, was his connection of same sex intercourse to the probability of murder and death.

 

 

“Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a ‘butt plug‘ just to be able to contain their bowels?” — Patrick Wooden

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex means you’ll have to wear diapers.

The Reality: In a discussion with the Americans for Truth about Homosexuality, Pastor Patrick Wooden tried his best to shoot down homosexual intercourse by spouting the usual conservative hate rhetoric — gay sex is a sin and unnatural, semen was not designed for the rectum, gay sex will destroy the human race, and so on. Wooden’s coup d’état of ridiculousness commenced when he predicted the repercussion of gay sex to be an overly-stretched anus in constant need of a butt plug. It seems to us that Pastor Wooden has spent much less time researching medical journals, and more time in the hardcore section of some pretty graphic websites.

 

 

“They use carrots, they use bananas, they use cucumbers, and other metalised ones, and they put them insides themselves…because they are not normal.” Martin Ssempa

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Lesbian sex requires metallic carrots, bananas and cucumbers.

The Reality: Let’s all be honest, the framework for this one actually sounds pretty great — a clip of some man with a thick accent and a poor grasp of the English vocabulary, attempting to act out sexual scenarios with fruit. The problem with the equation is that the man here is one of Africa’s most notorious bigots, Martin Ssempa. In his crudely inaccurate depiction of lesbian sex, he points out that they lack the right tools to have ‘correct’ sex. Ssempa then lists what objects all lesbians must be using instead.  It’s a shame that no one on the set had a pair of scissors, Ssempa could’ve actually learned something.

 

Rick Santorum prays

 

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.” Rick Santorum

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex incorporates polygamy and incest.

The Reality: Great minds think alike, and by great minds, we mean simple-minded homophobes.  It turns out that Jeremy Irons, who just came under scrutiny for making some poorly-worded comments on gay marriage and incest, wasn’t actually the first to do so. Hate-mongering goofball Rick Santorum made a very similar comment a while back.  If so many people think that legalizing same-sex marriage will lead to same-sex incest, why don’t we ask heterosexual families if they experience a large quantity of heterosexual incest since their marriage is already legal?

 

 

“Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community — it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall.”  Stacey Campfield

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is the reason AIDS exists, only after a gay man had sex with monkey.

The Reality: Chances are that if you have to say “if I recall” twice within two sentences, what you are saying can’t be that factual. And if there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about not knowing the facts, it’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill spear-header Stacey Campfield.

 

Chocolate - stonesoup

 

“I want to say homosexuals eat each other’s poop. Homosexuals stick their hands into their rectum. Homosexuals stick all sorts of deviant sexual things into their rectum… And they call poo poo, chocolate.” Matin Ssempa

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex involves eating poop.

The Reality: It takes some genuine ignorance to end up on a list with only ten spots twice, but then again, we could have probably made an entire list of quotes from Martin Ssempa alone.  During a press conference, Ssempa displayed a slideshow of gay men participating in scat play.  He then went on to discuss in detail, how eating ‘poo poo’ or ‘chocolate’ is the standard for gay sex.  Not only did Ssempa exhibit an enormous amount of intolerance, he also ruined chocolate for us all.

 

Angels at Pride London 2010

 

“We need to remember the term sodomy came from a town that was known as Sodom and Sodom was destroyed by God Almighty. They practiced homosexual activity and then they raped angels. Pat Robertson

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is a gateway to raping angels.

The Reality: During an episode of The 700 Club, Pat Robertson, noted televangelist, decided to give us his interpretation of a biblical passage on Sodom. He reminds us that Sodom was destroyed by God after its inhabitants engaged in bouts of gay sex, which ‘inherently’ led to them raping angels… cause that makes sense.

 

Kiss Matthew Ossenfort + Jeffrey Denke 20100117.7D.02081.P1.L1.SQ.BW SML (4321373756)

 

“If you isolate sexuality as something solely for one’s own personal amusement, and all you want is the most satisfying orgasm you can get—and that is what homosexuality seems to be—then homosexuality seems too powerful to resist. The evidence is that men do a better job on men and women on women if all you are looking for is an orgasm… Marital sex tends toward the boring end. Generally, it doesn’t deliver the kind of sheer sexual pleasure that homosexual sex does.” Paul Cameron

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is so awesome, that it will eventually turn all straight people gay.

The Reality: Well, can we really argue against that? In a 1999 issue of Rolling Stone, “sex researcher” Paul Cameron decided to vilify gay sex in the best way possible, flattery.  According to Cameron, gay sex yields the most satisfying orgasm which is just too damn flawless to resist. But in essence, it sounds more like Cameron is giving us an ultimatum, boring straight sex or the blissful gay sex.  Hmm… decisions, decisions.

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