regrets

Why Porn Star Jack Ryan Filmed 1 Bareback Scene And Refused To Ever Do It Again

Someone just messaged me to say I am a role model to them, and that excites me and scares me at the same time. I did porn to rebel and not be normal, but even in rebelling, you gotta keep boundaries.

Safe sex is a must. For those of you who don’t know, I did a bareback movie in 2008. I’m not gonna even mention the studio or the title, because I DO NOT want anyone to purchase it, and I don’t want to promote it. At the time I choose to do it, I had just lost my mother and my dog to cancer, within a year of each other. I used hard drugs to dull the pain. I became an addict, and did self destructive things because I no longer cared. Not that this is an excuse, but drugs really screw up your sense of right and wrong. I was offered more than double what I used to make doing scenes in porn to do bareback. Many thousands of dollars for a two hour scene. It was a top scene, but one can still contract HIV through topping. It’s less of a risk, but still a big risk.

I was and by some miracle, I am still HIV-Negative. I have had the blood test for it many times since doing the scene, as recently as last month, and I am still HIV-Negative and free of all STDs. But when I choose to do the scene back in 2008, I knew I could only convince my close friends that it was ok if they thought I was HIV+. So I lied and told people I was so I could do it. Shameful and sad.

I haven’t done a movie since that one in 2008 by choice. It freaked me out that I did it, and I fell deeper into my drug haze, hating myself for doing something I never, ever thought I would. I had a contract with the bareback company for 12 scenes but I pulled out after the first movie. It would have been enough money that I wouldn’t have had to work for a year, or two if I was frugal. But my damn morals came up and I couldn’t do another one. I scared myself. The message I just got via Facebook about being a role model solidifies why I couldn’t do it again. Had I contracted HIV that would have hurt myself, my family and my friends. But promoting bareback, which throughout my porn career I was outspoken against, could have possibly caused one gay man to replicate my behavior on screen, and they themselves contract HIV.

I do fear that my one bareback movie may have done this. Shown to some impressionable gay man, that it’s ok. It’s not, but actions speak louder than words, so did someone watch the scene and try it? I get a deep sense of shame and sadness when I think what my careless actions could have, and maybe have done. I cannot change the past, none of us can. But I can also choose to not repeat it, and to learn from my mistakes. I have survivors guilt too, that I should have, but didn’t contract HIV like so many of my friends did.

HIV shouldn’t exist, but it does and we must do all we can to prevent the spread of the disease. You are not a bad person if you have it, no, no, no you are not. But you are also not becoming part of a club if you do get it. Seroconversion isn’t something you want to willingly do.

I still hear of the “gift giving” parties where guys willingly try to seroconvert, so they don’t have to use condoms anymore. This makes my heart ache. Because while HIV meds have come a long way, they still have side effects and are very, very expensive. On average they cost $4,000/month. And while their are programs like ADAP to help with the costs, the current budget crisis is causing those programs to be cut.

You wouldn’t choose to give yourself cancer, or even a cold, so why choose to get HIV?

A prominent HIV/AIDS Activist who has been a mentor of mine for years has the same fear I do. That we will again need to see a wave of deaths when the virus mutates into a drug-resistant form that spreads and kills fast. Then will will play safe, and not purchase or watch bareback? I’m not gonna lie, it feels better without a condom. But sex also is better when you are in love. You gotta save something for that right man that you will eventually meet. If you can say that you have never had bareback sex with anyone, and then once tested and in a committed monogamous relationship you can share that experience with your man. What a great thing to save for the man you marry.

I don’t want to be all Bristol Palin, “do as I say, not as I do”, but I needed to say something and disavow my terrible choice I made. Please everyone, support safe sex movies. You could be saving a life. Those are real people performing, and they deserve respect and the demand and financial incentive for them to stay safe.

Mason Wyler whom I worked with in a safe movie for Suite 703, has now gone bareback, saying that he wanted to keep doing porn but the offers weren’t coming in for safe stuff. I find his excuse very disturbing personally. As porn stars were are teachers. Younger kids look to your movies as educational, and emulate what we do. We have a responsibility to teach behavior that is very fun, very hot, very sexy, and VERY SAFE. It can’t be all about the money. Making porn is such a small part of our lives, but the scenes will be around for years and years, even when I’m old and gray, people will get off to them. I love this. I love porn myself, it’s a great thing.

On a Falcon Studios shoot for Big Timber years ago in Russian River, a very old man who was at the location said to us, “You guys don’t know the kind of joy you bring to an 80 year old man, thank you”. He wasn’t being creepy, he was being honest that the way he got off in his 80’s was living vicariously through us. What porn stars do isn’t dirty or bad, it’s a beautiful thing to perform so others can safely get off while watching us. But when the porn stars put themselves in danger to do this, is destroys the whole cycle.

I stopped the cycle for myself. I first and foremost got sober, and realized I need to love myself and deal with life’s up’s and down’s the same way I had before, with exercise, and being social. Good friends are better than any drug. The drugs will separate you from everyone you love and everything you care about. Drug addiction is a disease of the mind. The drugs will tell you that you need them. It’s like having a plastic bag over your head and wanting air, that’s what the drugs feel like. I credit Dr. H in Beverly Hills for getting me on the Prometa treatment plan, my family, and my friends for getting me off the drugs and back to a healthy and fun life. I’ve been sober for over a year now, and everyday keeps getting better.

Play safe guys, love yourselves, and each other.

[photo: Suite703.com, Raging Stallion]

Don't forget to share:

Help make sure LGBTQ+ stories are being told...

We can't rely on mainstream media to tell our stories. That's why we don't lock Queerty articles behind a paywall. Will you support our mission with a contribution today?

Cancel anytime · Proudly LGBTQ+ owned and operated